the life & loves of ms. jive-ass dork

sofargone.

2010-04-20T00:08:00.001-05:00

i’ve been slacking here.

promise i’ll be back with some good stuff. long story short:

school is attempting to kick my ass
i have pre-senioritis
i NEED to go home to new york
this summer is gonna be the bomb diggity no doubt no lie
i’ve got so much cool music to talk about, i could burst

that’s all for now, yo. let me get back to this paper.

peace.

upandcoming:LIFEINTHEFRASSLANE

2010-02-25T16:15:00.003-06:00

i’ve been trying to give new music a chance since i’ve been sorta stuck listening to the same artists over and over. it’s kinda what i’ll do: i’ll revert to the comfort of some Stevie Wonder or Nirvana or Jimi Hendrix or Kanye or Lupe or Jay-Z or anything else tried and true that i consider to be my stand-bys. the problem with that is that i miss out on a lot of good new music. well, besides having DJs (Daniel) and producers/artists (Gerald) for friends, Twitter has become a good place to learn about music. i find myself stumbling across artists or discovering them through other people (i.e., finally learning about Sean Price through a YouTube link that producer Emile posted). this time, though, an artist sort of fell in my lap. ROCKSTAR R€MIX requested me back when my profile was private, and i originally thought it was just for the clothing line (pretty dope, btw). but then i found his music.

i'll admit, over the years, i've become a music snob. after "The College Dropout" and "Food and Liquor", i began to consider myself of the more "lyrical rap" type and i, admittedly, became a snob. but i'm starting to learn what listening to his group's mixtape "Fly or Die" finally drove home: i'm still a Harlem kid... allow me to qualify this. yeah, i love lyrical rap, conscious lyrics, stories... but sometimes you just gotta talk about what you wanna attain as a person, not just as humanity.

so, thank you RSNY and ROCKSTAR R€MIX for reminding me that restricting my range musically will only keep me from artists that are worth listening to.

here's the single off of ROCKSTAR R€MIX's upcoming album, LIFE IN THE FRA$$LANE. you can follow him on Twitter, he's true cool peoples, or just visit the RSNY website. enjoy.

peace.

artistspotlight:christianrich

2010-02-25T15:33:00.002-06:00

a while back, my best friend Daniel put me on to Christian Rich… and by put me on, he basically told me about them and, like most artists he tells me about, inodded and smiled and kinda just went about my business. then he showed me their first video, “Famous Girl”. you wanna talk about geeked? this video was just about everything i love about good music videos: conceptually amazing, good storyline, intriguing, it got me engaged… and add on top of that, the music? not all of Christian Rich’s music is like this, though… check out the second video, “Stacks” which features an awesome Lil Wayne sample. if you get a chance, check out their mixtape, “I Found My Favorite Beats and Rhymed To Them While Watching Coming to America: The Decay Mixtape”. EPIC TITLE, first of all, but amazing music as well. my favorite tracks thus far are “A Dollar Dream”, “White Girls”, “Stacks” (even though the album only provides a snippet rather than the full song”, “Dooom!” and “Monday Tuesday Girl”, but no track on the album has disappointed me. while they seem to part of the growing trend of 2+ artists going under what seems like a singular act (see: Gnarls Barkley, Pretty Ricky, Travis Porter, etc), theirs at least seems to make sense, as seen in this passage i swiped from Wikipedia:

Christian Rich is a Chicago-based artist and producer duo consisting of Kehinde "Rich" Hassan and Taiwo "Christian" Hassan. They are twin brothers born February 5, 1982 in Chicago, Illinois to Nigerian Immigrants. With the release of two mixtapes and countless features, Christian Rich gained major exposure with the release of their video for single "Famous Girl" in 2009. Christian Rich are also the newest members of The Neptunes camp and have worked with Diddy, Clinton Sparks, Big Sean, Armand Van Helden, The Clipse, The Neptunes, Peter Bjorn and John, to name a few.

On top of all of this amazingness, they’re actually really cool people. you can check them out at http://twtter.com/christianrich, where they actually interact with fans, a quality i always appreciate in an artist. Trust me, they’re the types to keep an eye on.

peace.

hiphopis(not)dead.

2010-02-17T20:12:00.001-06:00

i’m taking a music in literature class now called “Rattle and Hum”. we started talking about big band music, we’re currently in jazz, and then we’re moving on to rock, maybe some country or blues, and we end on 8 Mile talking about rap… a little. since the class is my first one on Mondays and Wednesdays (11:30 AM… so now 9 AM is ridiculously early to me), i spent some time last night after reading about 60 pages of the Anita O’Day’s autobiography, “High Times, Hard Times”, just thinking about the state of music as it stands and its audience. no, i’m not going to rant about how i feel music is on the decline and, despite the title of this post, i’m not going to wax poetic lamenting the way people elevate low-tier, low-class, low-talent rappers to the place of high fame and acclaim where under-recognized, highly skilled lyricists should be. no, this is more about thinking of the audience as a whole, in terms of the history.

arguably, hip hop is only a few years older than i am. i think i’ve heard people dispute if it was started in the 70s or in the 80s, whether it was started in the Bronx or not, who was the real first group, etc, but the point is that hip hop is still, relatively, a baby. yet and still, there’s a immense history out there. between undiscovered artists, amazing songs that never made it to single-status by well-known artists, and the behind-the-scenes pioneers, there’s so much to be said about where hip hop has come from in these three decades. but because so much is being made everyday, new trends, new styles, new artists (for better or for worse), i don’t think that there’s any emphasis on learning hip hop from “before your time”.

there are people who have this depth of hip hop knowledge, and they’re basically in two groups to me: Gurus and Self-Righteous Assholes. There are some who lie in between, but mostly I find that there are people who know a lot to whom I constantly go to learn new things and there are people whom i avoid like the plague, lest they bash me over the head for not knowing that some sample on some obscure Jay-Z song was from X song by Y artist who only sold 5000 copies worldwide. those people I can’t stand. likewise, there are the newbies, so to speak. there are three basic categories, and each share the same two subsections. there are people who have wide knowledge with no depth – they can name a lot of artists, but basically, they know the songs that are singles… songs with music videos. conversely, there are people with very narrow knowledge that is very deep… they might know a whole lot about like… two or three artists. and thirdly, there are the ones who only know the shit that’s on the radio NOW… so, shallow and narrow. within all of these, there are people willing to learn and people unwilling to learn. some have no problem learning about the other music that’s out there that they aren’t cognizant of. other would rather just stick with what they know.

i say all this to say that there ARE people who can teach this stuff as well as people who are willing to learn. but unlike other genres, like blues and rock and country, there isn’t really a major push to have venues where people can LEARN. honestly, my only hip hop schooling comes from friends and the internet. not too bad, but there could be a better way. this could be because, like i said before, hip hop is still relatively young. there’s a lot of dispute, too, over who did what and things like that… how to rank rappers. do we go by records sold or content? if we go by content, then how do we establish a system of codifying the lyrics in order to come to some sort of raw content score? i guess this is true of ANY genre of music, but there seems to be a schism in hip hop especially.

just some thoughts.

peace.

MIXTAPEMADNESS.

2010-02-13T15:47:00.001-06:00

so i made a mixtape. first ever that i’ve created for someone other than myself to consume. yeah, i made the album art and crap. spent like an hour on art, relabeling tracks, and all that BUT, i totally think it was worth it. so, without further dudes, here’s “YOU SHOULD BE SCARED”.

Download it HERE:
http://www.mediafire.com/?m12nzyzgzbv

peace.

LETSGO!

2010-01-20T01:15:00.002-06:00

so i've been an on-and-off Usher fan for years... i was obsessed with him during My Way, cooled off some during 8701, came back for Confessions, and remembered why i liked him in the first place with Here I Stand (i'll tell the truth, i didn't much like Here I Stand when i first heard it at a barbecue, but, much like Kanye's 808s & Heartbreak, it managed to grow on me). now he's coming out with a fifth studio album, Raymond vs. Raymond and the track i've heard so far is promising. so, without further ado, i give you a preview...

Usher - OMG (produced by Will.I.Am)
CLICK HERE

enjoyyyyyyyy.

peace.

musicmix.

2010-01-19T15:49:00.006-06:00

a mix of Chicago-based DJ, Million Dollar Mano, a truly ill producer and DJ. my goal for this year is to attend a party that he DJs and just dance my ass off. this was a nice little pick-me-up for the middle of the first day of classes, especially one that's this damn long (one class + one meeting down, two more classes to go that ultimately end at like 8 pm), so i figured i can't let someone i admire so much musically without spotlighting them.

Bel Biv DeVoe - Poison (Million Dollar Mano Mix)

Kanye West - Flashing Lights (Million Dollar Mano Mix)

peace.

nerdyday + headsup.

2010-01-19T11:00:00.001-06:00

so today’s the first day of class for all of us here at WashU, and honestly, i’m a little excited. lol, despite the fact that i’ve had like… eighteen first days of class between pre-K and last semester, i still find it kinda fun. get to know the teachers, get to know your classmates, and hopefully (unlike high school for me where my schedule was chosen for me) all the classes i chose will be interesting. i was a complete lazy-ass and scheduled many of my classes late, so i really don’t have to be out of bed until 10, maybe 10:30 (which means a bedtime of 1 am is now early… though it’s kinda always been), but at the same time, i’ll have REALLY long days… for instance, my last class tonight is 6 – 8:30… super fun shit, eh? but it’s Positive Psychology, so it should be fun. and if everything goes wrong today, i’ll have my laptop with me, so i’ll be able to work on something else for every boring class except maybe MMUF, since idk what the hell we’re even doing in class today, besides maybe talking about the fact that Dustin dropped out of MKHF. but i’m going to be taking notes with Microsoft OneNote for the first time since i was in Abnormal Child Psychology, but this time i think i’m gonna record sound, too, that way i can go over my notes in case i miss anything. i wish my webcam could turn around like Gerald’s does on his Acer, but i’m thankful for my Dell, so i have no complaints. just bratty wishful thinking, i guess.

oh, last night’s MLK Commemoration program was EXCELLENT, the last two before (to me) were very forgettable, but the keynote speaker was AMAZING. i felt bad for the student speaker who came after him, Fernando seemed so mild, ineffective, and politician-like after the impassioned speech of the professor… that speech was meant not to make us comfortable, but to force us to examine ourselves and the TRUE legacy of dr. king. i’m thinking of making a post about that later on, but we’ll see. time for me to take my ass to class.

peace.

almostdone.

2010-01-15T12:47:00.001-06:00

welp, today’s my last full day in NYC. i’ve gotta say, this vacation’s been cool… got to go see Felicia (she’s in my BLOG REHAB links, make sure you check her out) when she came up from ATL, I got some much needed time with my parents… found out that my okra gumbo is, indeed, fit for humans (i’ve always known that, but this is the first time my parents ate any… in fact, they didn’t even leave any for me), got to spend time with not only my grandmother (who gave me this great cashmere scarf and some ballin’-ass mittens) but my best friend Donavan and my godbrother TyKym. OH, and i got this AMAZINGLY BALLING NEW LAPTOP that runs THE EQUALLY AMAZINGLY BALLING WINDOWS 7. that taskbar at the top of the screen throws me off sometimes, but ehh. got the external hard drive i’ve been wanting and some new headphones, too, so that’s all good. the only two things left that i need are a new MP3 player and new clothes. think I’m good besides that.

speaking of clothes, i’ve already been plotting all that i’m supposed to be getting myself already… and if Etisha comes to MO for her spring break after we go to ATL for Felicia’s birthday, then we’re probably gonna head to the mall and spend all over the damn place, rofl. d’ahh well. lemme finish sorting this damn laundry.

peace.

butwhocares?

2010-01-13T22:05:00.002-06:00

as much as i hate admitting it, i might end up going to these stupid fucking counseling sessions.

they put me back in academic probation which makes NO stupid fucking sense because i got over a 3.0 gpa this semester, but they keep me in the damn program. i just wanna go back to being a normal student.

i have this really horrible feeling a lot of the time now. it's like... i'll sit down to do something... like write or talk to someone or make a graphic and this thought will pop up like "why does any of this matter?" and it WON'T go away. but i can't find a reason. there's no point in a lot of it. i do stuff just to do it. but i've slowly been losing interest in everything except music and social interactions. haven't written any new poetry in about a year. haven't written a story in about two years. haven't written a rhyme in weeks, but those come and go. lost pretty much the rest of my writing touch today. down the drain, down the drain, down the drain. mehhhh.

peace.

postnewyears

2010-01-05T10:30:00.002-06:00

whadduuuuuuuuuup.

glad to see you made it to 2010 [throws confetti at you].

oh, btw, before i start, how did i miss this video for Sharam + Kid Cudi - She Came Along? apparently, it was out a while ago and my head was just too far in the sand/homework that i wasn't paying attention. i HAVE been kinda out of the loop, i should rectify that. i wish i had seen it when it was first posted on October 16th, it would've been a baller-ass birthday present. anyway, here's the vid if you're late like me or if you just wanna see it again.

finally made my way to NYCERS last week. got... not exactly lost, more like turned around in Brooklyn. here's the thing -- i will argue to the end that you have to REALLY REALLY TRY to get lost in NYC (which invariably gets the argument "but you're from there!"), but Brooklyn is a whole 'nother story. i WILL admit that in NYC, especially uptown, you need to know the order of the avenues so that you don't get lost going crosstown, but if it comes to going uptown/downtown? you really have to NOT PAY ATTENTION to get lost. if you're on 145th and you're going to 127th and you walk in one direction and see 146th... then, CLEARLY, you go in the other direction. see? simple. but Brooklyn, for some strange and mysterious reason, is made up of NOTHING BUT NAMES, so unless you know it all by heart you're screwed. i couldn't feel my legs by the time i got to the building, but i found my way back to the train station pretty well, so it was all good. now they just have to send me my paperwork. so i can send it back to THEM so it can get processed. it'll probably take a few months, but it'll be just in time for spring/pre-summer and that'll be good for to reasons -- one, i won't be broke (which would've been a serious issue since i'm not supposed to be working due to MMUF, despite the summer stipend) and two, it'll mean that i can overhaul my wardrobe.

ah, yes, shopping season. trust, i'm already on the lookout for whatever i want to get, but it also gives me some time to be able to shed a few of these extra pounds that stress and just laziness put on me over the last few months. for once, my renovation project is going well, i'm proud. i even added a few sites to my Google Reader to keep me updated on partied and such around town, so big ups to everyoneisfamous.com for starting me off on that... i don't live in Chicago, but he linked a few for the NYC area.

food time, then i'll be waiting for UPS to deliver my new laptop, YEEEEEE!

peace.

holidaycheer.

2009-12-24T00:47:00.002-06:00

christmas time, so i'm home again. once again -- no tree, no lights, no gift wrap, no eggnog, no tinsel, no plastic reindeer, no caroling. none of that. christmas has been real simple these last few years. the last time we had a big christmas was probably... 2001. the year before my mom died. she was in the hospital, but my dad helped me put up all the decorations and everything. this year? i sit around the house in my pajamas all day and watch cartoons, fashion shows, and cooking shows... IM and text... cook (today was a monumental failure -- don't decide to make breakfast sausage from scratch and then undersalt it... gross).... that's mostly it. i've been meaning to go to Brooklyn to NYCERS so cant get everything in order, but lacking bus/train fare keeps me home.

i thought to maybe visit my godbrother, Donavan... he lives close enough that I can walk to his house... well, it's not really "walking distance", but i will walk that far, so i don't mind. this damn cold is a problem, though. no place to go but inside and if "inside" isn't somebody's house, then it's someplace where you need to spend money... which i don't have. but, i haven't been to visit ANYONE as of yet. i don't feel as close to any of my friends as i used to... which is a big DUH since i'm in STL nine monets out of every year now, but... i don't know. i don't feel close to anyone anymore. i'll admit, i've kept a lot of people at arms-length. to me, there was no point in getting really close to people in college because i'd be leaving many of them behind in a few years... and people from home just never had schedules that aligned with mine, or we just didn't talk. plus, what was there to talk about? Jonnathan reconnected with me and the first thing he asked about was my love life... and there was nothing to talk about. and then the conversation quickly turned to him and HIS love life.

not that i have really big problems with being alone. i'd be fine with just going out each day to some part of the city, going to 86th street to hang out in the B&N or to wander around Best Buy, but it seems so pointless without cash for books or music or DVDs. i'm trying not to call this anhedonia - loss of interest in things that were once fun - but that's what it feels like. if some cash is left out tomorrow, i might go someplace, but staying in this house all day long is killing me, i can't take it, it's really only making things worse. the most fun i have is when i'm cooking. which reminds me, i should probably make that okra gumbo for Christmas.

got a few more designs done for ORIGIN8TY9INE, plus looked at some pricing for shirts. Jonn said we should start small with iron-on transfers, but i don't know if it would be worth it. first things first is legal stuff, and then i'll have to talk to daniel about that other stuff. btw, the original blog for O89, http://origin8ty9ine.blogspot.com is officially dead because i can't remember the password. blah.

i want the new HTC Touch Pro2... either that or the Motorola CLIQ, but the Touch Pro2 has a bigger keyboard. the CLIQ is an Android phone, though, and i've been looking to check that out. i might just walk to a T-Mobile store and ask to check them both out, maybe talk with a rep or something. $350 is a lot for that Touch Pro2, though. meh.

peace.

almostalmost.

2009-11-05T02:29:00.002-06:00

what am i doing?

i've had these dreams of fame for as long as i can remember, starting when i was six and i had this stupid-ass vision of me being the lead in a music video doing the running man in a purple hoodie in a courtyard. i've wanted to be seen. i like to be seen. i like to think that my ideas have worth, that i have worth, that my existence here will be more than just to make a few people laugh and then die.

i have constantly tried to fool myself into thinking that my existence is meant to just love... and that's partially true. i do love. but still, i'm not doing what i love and i'm not working towards it.

i had that fashion design thing going on, and school made me and Daniel leave it behind. I still want it. i really do. i still want to hold on to the possibility that something out there is for me, something that might not make me some kind of international superstar, but something that puts me in the circles of people that i see and know i should be there... maybe i shouldn't, but it sure FEELS like i should be there. why am i so tired of my routine? why am i so unmotivated to do what it feels like i've been working my ass off for? psychology is what i'm interested in because of it's practicality and how interesting it is, how it makes me think about the world. but so much of me is invested in music, in art, in (somehow, i'm sure how... or even why) fashion, in all these things that are just not where i'm headed.

i have no idea.

khorey?

2009-03-17T03:59:00.002-05:00

he said "69 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 74 61 6b 65 20 6f 75 74 20 77 68 61 74 73 20 6c 65 66 74 20 6f 66 20 6d 79 20 65 61 72 64 72 75 6d 73 20 61 6e 64 20 70 6c 61 63 65 20 74 68 65 6d 20 69 6e 20 79 6f 75 72 20 63 61 72 65 20 73 6f 20 79 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 68 61 76 65 20 74 6f 20 71 75 65 73 74 69 6f 6e 20 77 68 65 74 68 65 72 20 69 27 6d 20 6c 69 73 74 65 6e 69 6e 67 20 6f 72 20 6e 6f 74 2e"

which is hex code for "i will take out whats left of my eardrums and place them in your care so you will never have to question whether i'm listening or not."

i've never dated a poet before. or a Texan.
i might try?
it's only been a few days.
we'll see.

btw, he's hilariously random.
"so i was watching star trek.. and there was this sexy ass alien on... and my dick got hard.. and i thought of you." LMAOOOOOOO. hot booboo mess.

peace & much love to ya.

honestly?

2009-01-28T03:43:00.002-06:00

sometimes i'm stupid and selfish enough to want you just so i can have someone to say "i love you" to.

welcometoheartbreak.

2009-01-27T18:02:00.002-06:00

the last few days? oh boy.

http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/5773/bryanbq7.jpg

that's brian. he's my baby, i love that boy to death. he's three years old and i took that picture the day i left NYC to come back to STL. my father called me up talkin' about how he fell off the couch and hit his head on the table and the doctors didn't think he was gonna make it. i cried for hurs, you have no idea how much he means to me. nah, he's not my son, he's not even related to me, but... man, all the time i spent with him. i was planning on babysitting him over the summer, i watch him during church... he's like the perfect little kid. and then this happened. they removed something like 30% of his brain last night because of swelling and they're saying it looks better for his chances of survival, but STILL... it's like... damn. i don't know how i'd deal with it if he actually passed on. pray for him, y'all.

besides that... i don't know. Cheeks and Adam have become two of my closer friends. so them, me, and Gerald are unofficially a hangout group. Adam calls us "ignorance is bliss", lmao. but yeah, Adam's pretty cool and Cheeks has been col, we just never hung out like we been now.

i need to clean my room.

blah blah blah, so much is not important.

oh! the Grand Slam was on Friday that just passed. i had qualified for it back before spring break, then didn't write anything all break, then scrambled to both write and memorize for the slam. the first round, i fell WAYY behind everyone. Gerald was out front (as always, his poetry is always on point), and I was something like 7th. Mind you, only six poets were gonna make it to the third round. right then and there, i had started accepting that i wouldn't make it.. i was like, forget it, i'll just be happy to compete. second round changed everything. i went like... 6th or seventh, i think. and i rapped, which is always fun. I had written a rap about Harlem and I swear, I loved this rap up and down, I didn't care what anyone thought, because it was about my home. plus, no one else is from Harlem, so i wanted to rep, lol. turns out everyone loved it. my scores went up for the secnd round and i was tied for third all of a sudden. the third round was really the breaking point, though. Gerald did this really deep poem about his brother, who I think might be autistic and does sign language. his whole poem was done in words and signs and he had it memorized. i cried, lol, i'm so freakin' emotional. i went up after him and i did this poem i had written for my mother, about the way i remembered her and then my dealing with her death. i got really emotional during it because i really started listening to myself and i started remembering and there's this part where i yell out "eli! eli! lama sabachthani! my God! my God! why has thou forsaken me?" and all i know is that when i got to that part, i was crying. my voice broke once or twice and, apparently, i had most of the audience crying, too. that round i got four perfect 10s and one 9.7, which shovd me way up ahead. long story short, i won second place, which is pretty beast. aaron was first and gerald got third and i think chris and celso tied for fourth. crazy stuff. i guess i'm going to nationals in Philly in March, though.

peace & much love to ya.

andthewholeworld.

2009-01-21T01:50:00.002-06:00

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you.

i don't know who that's for, but i really wanted to say it =/

anyway.

i deleted kevin's new gf off my facebook friends. she hits me up asking if i deleted her. i didn't answer. i don't wanna. i don't know. the guy i liked here switched schools and now he's in Cali. he says he'll visit the school once a month, but like... it won't matter. he's gonna be busy with other friends, so i shall effectively fall back. school is school. i don't have books yet, not all of them at least. i go through each class with that horrible sinking, failing feeling, like every semester. i'm in love with my abnormal child psychology class. i don't know, life is just... life. it's not horrible, but i;m back to that coasty feeling. every now and then i get into that mood where i kinda just wanna cry for no reason. i wanna go home. i need income. i drink a lot of tea instead of coffee. i made canned spaghetti out of boredom and lack of want to spend points and it was horrible, so i ate cereal. i wana change my music. chike is a fool and might be my new better friend. freakin' poetry slam and visions rehearsal are the same day :(

peace & much love to ya.

piecebypiece.

2009-01-01T23:16:00.002-06:00

it's a new year. yup. and everyone takes that to mean big, monumental changes. a fresh start.

is it really, though?

everyone gasses up the new year like it's gonna be the time where everything's gonna finally go right. people plan to diet, to exercise, to spend more time with their families, to save money, to move out of their parents' house, to do anything and everything that they've been putting off until the 1st of January. but why? "i'll start next year", but what for? all you're doing is putting off what you want and justifying it by saying that you'll do it when the new year comes around, hoping for renewed stamina to do what you've needed to do for a while. most resolutions for the new year are hopelessly broken.

i used to make resolutions. nothing public, nothing that i'd tell other people (for fear of breaking them and other people calling me out on that), just little promises to myself about what i'd do in the new year. but as time went on, i realized that it just wasn't cutting it. thinking of the new year as a chance to start over wasn't a good idea. why?

because even in the new year, you have to deal with all the things that happened before.

it's not like pressing restart. it's like you turned the game off after an auto-save and you're coming back to it. everything is exactly the same as it was before. every heartbreak, every pain, every disappointment and setback is something you still have to face. just because you were in debt last year, it doesn't mean that you'll suddenly have all the money to pay off your bills in this year. so what do you do?

you stop acting like you need an excuse to change up your life.

it's probably one of the best decisions i've made. i stopped thinking "i'll do this just as soon as ________" and started just doing what i wanted to do. if i wanted to put something off, then i just put it off. goals are good. short-term goals that you are only a proverbial carrot dangling in front of your face are not. they don't do much. i realized that and started just doing what i felt i needed to do when i felt i needed to do it. i wanted to change my wardrobe? as soon as i got the money or the opportunity, i did it... slowly, lol. i'm still in the process. i wanted to change my attitude towards people, life, and myself? i started it immediately. i wanted to get some people out of my life? i did it as soon as i could. it wasn't about waiting until the new year to act brand new. it was about doing what i had to do in order to be the person i wanted to be.

peace & much love to ya.

switch.

2008-12-31T08:12:00.003-06:00

so, between the fact that my lifestyle has been slowly but surely changing since October and the fact that i feel like i need to "grow up", i've been considering my "life changes". i'm already in the process of slowly transitioning my wardrobe to be a little bit more dressy -- leather boots, flats, heels, blouses, trousers, dark jeans, etc. my dad and my godbrother complimented me on my nails. i've been SOMEWHAT better on my hair, even though it's a little bit of a hot mess right now. i've even been making moves. ORIGIN8TY9INE is supposed to be in serious works by February, around the same time i'm applying for a big research fellowship. it's working out really well. i'm happy.

sorta.

lol, you know when everything seems to be going right except for maybe... oh, two or three things? that's where i'm at right now. life is going great -- i really can't complain too much. it's just that as i feel my personal life finally thriving the way i've wanted it to, it seems like my social life or my relationship with other people is starting to rapidly change. one of the people who i thought i was really close to? all of a sudden, i just don't feel like being bothered with her. i've tried pinning down what it is that makes me not want to really talk to her or hang out with her anymore, but... idk. she's such a writer. not that it's a bad thing, but it comes off so strong to me that sometimes it just irks me. that's not to say that she isn't a good friend, 'cause she is... just... i think i needed some time away from her. who knows? and then... oh boy. so since Mikey's been back in my life, he's been texting me off and on, every once in a while taking the time out to try and guilt trip me. i can't deal with that. LaRon came back outta NOWHERE again. i told him that i didn't know why he was chasing behind me when he had fifty thousand chicks on his myspace, all clamoring for his attention. they all love them some LaRon, i can tell you that much. and he's on some, "but the difference is that i love you, not them". okay, whatever. This dude named Damion was tryna be cute, on some "Merry Christmas, honey". and Curtis has been... well, Curtis has been Curtis. he's tryna get me to come out to Elizabeth to see him. uhmm... homeboy, if you wanna see me so bad, i suggest that you come down to Harlem, because i refuse to spend my money on some dude for no reason. he's cool and all, but he's my age, which means mentally, he's probably seventeen, which i honestly can't deal with. i've never dated anyone my age or younger and i kinda don't plan on it. if God leads me different, then so be it, but i wouldn't wanna do it.

i've still been in a weird place as far as having a best friend goes. i always have Donavan, which makes me happy because i remembered what an amazing friend he is. i have Daniel, too, because despite being wildly different people, we're still very similar. and, of course, there's my dad, who will ALWAYS be my best friend. maybe i'm just being spoiled. there's Khalid, but he's gonna be a married man soon, and i don't know how i'd feel about going out to dinner alone with a married man. we wouldn't be doing anything except talking and catching up, but it's a little bit out of order. and there's Jaynina, my only female best friend. we still hang out a lot... she even treated me to dinner last week. good times.

well, when you change one part of your life, everything else starts moving, too, eh? i just hope i don't become one of those women so obsessed with her career and "making it" that she just blows off the idea of getting married until she's like.... 40. naaaah, i still want my family by about 25. but i'll tell you what -- i bet you i'm not settling for less than what i deserve anymore.

alright, i'mma go clean now.

peace & much love to ya.

bigdaddykane.

2008-12-19T20:38:00.004-06:00

part one of my plan worked? LOL. uhmmm... idk. maybe, at 19, i'm finally making up for a whole lotta years. who knows? and, even as a person who really likes commitment... i also like having fun.

it's only 9:40. geez louise, i've only been awake like 6 hours. problem.

i need a new wardrobe. i got two new wool coats from my stepmom as an early Christmas present, which is awesome. now i need new shoes and dress shirts. i don't think i need new jeans, just need to shed the little excess i put on at school. but yes, new dress shirts ftw. examples?

nice vest

nice vest #2... gray tweed, love it.

idk why i love this shirt, but i do.maybe it's a mixture of my love for gray and my love for stripes.

this would be cuter without the flower thingies. damn.

any-old-ways, shopping needs to happen soon. i'm hoping my wonderfully benevolent family will just gimme cash for Christmas so i can buy stuff.

peace & much love to ya.

reunitedwithatwist.

2008-12-19T03:29:00.003-06:00

mornin', y'all! :D

anyway, since i'm back home in Harlem, i called up my godbrother, Donavan, and told him that i was gonna go chill with him. honestly, after i talked to him again, i remembered why he's my godbrother and my best friend; he's just amazing people, man. i love that dude. anyways, i went to Hip Hop Church with him, which is crazy because i ain't been back there in like... years. not since before i went to college, i think. so i went and then my other godbrother, TyKym, him and his mother were gonna have cake and ice cream because his fiancee turned 19 today, i think. i didn't even know she was younger than me, but i'm not mad at him. i mean, i guess i thought she was older ecause she got a three-year-old, but she could've had him at 16. so i go to Ty's house with Lamar, Don, Ty, Ty's girl (Juliette), Lamar's girl (i forgot her name), and Juliette's two guy friends. one of them, jamiel, was her good friend from high school and the other one, curtis, was HIS friend. anyways, i'm cracking jokes and everything, having fun because i'm back with my brothers. now, i flirt by nature. it might be unfortunate, but i just kinda flirt naturally or at least people see it that way because i'm nosey and i crack jokes. but whatever. anyway, i guess i was "flirting" with both jamiel and curtis and then curtis starts flirting back. i'm like.... okay, whatever, not a big deal. partways through the night, he's on some ol' "oh, i wanna get to know you better" stuff, lol. aiight, whatever, that's cool. i was like, fine, ill give you my cell number. dude ain't got a cell. okay, fine. he goes ahead and programs his house number into my phone. lol, he was like "you gonna be like a dude and wait two weeks to call me" LOL... maybe =/ now, all this time, dude is REAL interested in my stuff. like... he asked to see my glasses once or twice... starts playing with my bangles... asked t see my watch.. played with my hairtie... then finally started playing in my hair. now, if you know me, you know there is nothing that relaxes me or will put me to sleep like my scalp getting rubbed... and he was offering so pffffft, i let him. negro rubed my scalp half the night. he... wasn't weird, but like... idk. when i was leaving Ty's house (at 4am, geez, my dad's most likely pissed) to go catch a cab, he walked with me and Ty to get me a cab, then handed me a pencil and piece of paper to write down my number or something. since i already had his name, i figured i'd find him on FB/MySpace or whatever. it was cool, though. lmao, i MUST be good though. first day back and i'm already doing this? my plan with Freddy is working well... anyway, i don't know how i feel about him yet. i always like having someone to talk to, but it's not imperative. oh boy, if Mikey knew about this... speaking of whom, he hasn't texted me in at least a day... i haven't heard from him since the day before i left. this negro here... whatever.

peace & much love to ya.

saywhat?

2008-12-14T20:17:00.002-06:00

it's breaks down into 30% of what you say and 70% of how you say it. lol, i'm straight up like Nicky Barnes in American Gangster, i don't like the words you're saying as much as please and i'm sorry. you want me to help you out? don't talk to me like you're my better. you're my peer.

anyoldways.

lemme work on this paper so i can watch Dont Be a Menace.

peace & much love to ya.

nobueno.

2008-12-13T03:10:00.003-06:00

so here's something fun.

as aforementioned, i have a crush, yes? i mention this to my poet-friend, Lucy. first thing she says? "ask him out!" i vehemently tell her NO, i will not ask him out whatsoever. i shoot it down so fast, i don't even have time to think about it. i immediately freaked out and said NOOOO. why? because... well, no. i was having enough fun just LIKING him until i had friends who thought it was "cute" and started, in their own little way, nudging me towards taking this as more than a light crush. nothing against them, i'm not mad.... it's just a path that i don't really wanna go down. yes, i would love to be in another relationship.. kinda. more for the "security" and the "feeling of being with someone", but... i don't know. kevin notwithstanding, i am at odds with myself once again. i... like myself? i like where i'm headed with myself. i came back from thanksgiving break a little bit different. i'm supposed to take bellydance lessons with Leah and Erica (oh boy). my parents wanna fast again when i get back. it's gonna be cool. but... idk about how i feel with myself in terms of a new relationship? who knows.

uhmm... idk... Mikey being back is... complicated? he took me back to us talking before... i really felt type fucked up for what i did... can't say i was any type of right. i don't know... i feel like we're not on the same type of terms anymore. we were emailing for a while and now we've moved up to texting, buuuuuttt... it's not the same? we're not having conversations. i don't know.

i've just come to the conclusion that males are more trouble than they're worth a lot. i'm about to be like my twin, Freddy. remold myself into a player and just have fun until i find someone worth more of my time? haha, why not? let's do the damn thing, huh? Freddy cracks me up, btw. he told me that all you gotta do is be brutally, scathingly honest while still being charming and retaining your womanhood. delicate balance, but it's completely possible. let's say... by about junior year, i wanna have it all done? goal setting and shit. bwahahaha.

peace & much love to ya.

surprise.

2008-12-12T15:08:00.002-06:00

happy holidays? it ain't the holidays until i get out of STL and get home. word.

anyway, life's been alright. i bombed my Psych of Adolescence test, which i hope will be offset by the 92 on my project and the 80 on my paper. it probably won't be. i wasn't good at that class. uhh... i'm looking at a 75 average in my Psych Stats class, but i think it'll be offset when i turn in my final take-home exam. yay. uhhh... yeah. idk about any of my other classes.

i downloaded Nirvana's In Utero yesterday. great stuff. i'm in love with it.

i got a new crush? lol. idk. i won't say his name, but he goes to my school and he's a junior. i enjoy the feeling of liking someone else, though i think i'm going to take my affection a LOT slower... i have a habit of going out with someone maybe two or three months after i start liking them. whatever.

lmao, i love the Guitar Hero commercials, especially the ones with Corbin Bleu and the other one with Kobe and A-Rod.

Mikey came back... yeah.

peace & much love to ya.

wonderland.

2008-11-20T01:16:00.003-06:00

my ex-english-teacher-turned-confidante broke up with her boyfriend the other night. then they got back together today.

this girl i know, LaCara? she broke off with her boyfriend today.

[sighs and looks at the sky] is it the weather? who knows...

my daddy won't arrange a relationship for me. punk. that means i gotta do it myself. WHATEVERRRRRRRR. i should get me a dude back home in Harlem... even though i'd be doing the distance thing again. yuck. idk if i want anyone here.

anyway, i'm not doing work. AGAIN. i'm such a good student. registered for classes and next semester is gonna be heelllllll. i'm so ready to go home (after my new MP3 player gets here).

peace.

oh, btw, Khalid? my friend i'm in the pictures with on the left hand side?
he's getting married.
i'm happy and sad at the same time. we's so grown.

gettingthere.

2008-11-16T03:22:00.002-06:00

the Visions concert was today. amazing. the theme was "When All Praise Breaks Loose" and i think it truly did. it was really good. i lost my voice, but that happens every year. got to spend time with new people and everything. good stuff.

i'm planning this huge breakfast for myself and a bunch of my friends and it's looking like it's going to be quite the task. we're talking corncakes, salmon cakes, grits, scrambled eggs, bacon/sausage, and fruit and juice for everyone... and everyone is looking like about 15 people all together. yikes.

i wanted to write about something else, but i forgot what it was. i also forgot some bomb-ass story plot i had in mind that i never wrote down like an idiot. nice going, naia.

this dude's facebook note reminded me of what i wante to talk about. are you ready for this? you might wanna sit down. or not. take your pick. i'll wait. ready?

i think i want an arranged marriage.

yeah. why not? there have been cultural studies that span the globe that prove that people are no happier or sadder in an arranged marriage than in a "romantic" marriage. sounds strange, right? but it's true. and i figure that my parents know me best, so why not have THEM choose someone for me? it certainly couldn't hurt. my father told me that he was worried he'd pick someone completely wrong and that i'd go complaining to him. eh. it's all trial and error, n'est-ce pas? so why not? i trust my parents. besides, it takes a load off of my mind. that means i don't have to look at guys or evaluate them myself. that isn't to say that if i see someone that i would potentially want to go out with, that i'd cast them aside. never that. call this a modified arranged relationship -- i'll go about my merry way and let my parents do the grunge work of picking a guy and deciding if they think he's good enough. then i'll come along, meet him and all that stuff, get to know him and probably get into a relationship (i've found that my parents have excellent judgement when it comes to males). so... hmm, lol... i guess this would be arranged marriage meets reality TV -- my parents choose and i decide. i guess i'd want my say-so to supercede theirs, even though i'd give the dude a fighting chance.

so yeah. semi-arranged marriage :D

peace & much love to ya.

waitaminute.

2008-11-15T03:04:00.004-06:00

i don't blog much anymore, eh? don't get on Yahoo either. lol, no one misses me 'cept punk-behind Ronald and that's 'cause he likes having someone to flirt with randomly. whatever. go back to the little issue you got with your ex girl and the chick you're messing with now. i'm really not the one, if you didn't know already.

spent the day busy. woke up because of the FREAKING fire drill, then took my behind BACK to sleep and got up again. ate lunch with Gerald, Cheeks, and Leatherwood. Allison came along later... stayed until my psych experiment at 3, got out like 3:40... found out my psych stats tutoring session was a FAIL, so i went to plan my next few semesters on a computer until rehearsal. rehearsed, had amazing fun, went to eat, then went to Areon's birthday party where i basically watched dudes play video games the whole time. the world keeps turning and all that good stuff...

the Visions concert is tomorrow. it's gonna be crazy. i'm trying to clear my mind before it and calm down and focus on worship, but i lost part of my voice tonight and my throat hurts. yuck.

i got on my older/alternative AIM account and realized that both of my exes were signed on. apparently, the most recent one's uncle just passed away. i'd say my condolences, just to be civil and whatnot, but we're not friends, so why bother? i think i try to operate constantly under the idea that they don't exist or they don't matter. i push them out of my mind and focus on anything else - homework, rehearsal, sleeping, Mob Wars, ANYTHING. and when i see things that remind me that they still exist, it's... weird. i'm not mad. not really sad... just kinda... idk. i wanna forget about it. i've been doing well without either of them, right? right.

i still wanna go home though. i miss my family something fierce. they can't come to the concert tomorrow -- they've NEVER been to a Visions concert. in fact, the only time they were ever here was when i moved in freshman year. i really wish they'd visit. other kids have parents that visit. i always wish they could watch me direct or see me singing in the choir, or meet my friends, or take me out for lunch or anything else... but instead, i get to meet my friends' parents and bite back wishes that mine didn't always have to work so hard.

if you can't tell, i'm in a bit of a mood. whatever. i'm gonna take a shower, pop two pills, and turn on some soft classical music to sleep to.

peace & much love to ya.

hailtothechief.

2008-11-09T11:43:00.002-06:00

i'm supposed to be writing a paper. whomp whomp. instead, i'm making myself a slow gospel playlist so that i can bring in my Sunday morning right. i find that times when i'm alone, i like to listen to soft music and slow music. it's probably because i've been contemplative the last week and a half. since... y'know. that series of unfortunate events. i've been taking apart everything and putting it back together, trying to see where old things and new things fit.

and i will go from faith to faith, from glory to glory... and i'll forever be chasing after You.
Tye Tribbett - Chasing After You (The Morning Song)

it's a really pretty song. it keeps reminding me of how lax i feel i am with my faith. sometimes i feel like i say things without having a deep enough faith behind them. or maybe faith in someone i can't see, but have evidence of (see hebrews 11:1) is something i'm still working on fathoming. who knows?

i was gonna go on a mild Obama rant, but i've been thinking about that. i had a few people get mad at me for saying "Black President". one of my friends was like "no, he's MIXED" and anothe was like "he's AFRICAN, and that's way different from Black". i don't know about other people, but when i say Black, i am usually referring to anyone who is a descendent of Africans, born in America, and (usually) living in America. if you were a descendent of Africans, born in Africa, and MOVED to America, then you'd be African unless you asked me to refer to you as something else. that's just how i see it. how about i just call him my non-White president? would people stop being so nitpicky then? because, if you wanna be honest, to all the racist Whites who are hoping for his demise, whether he's Black, African, mixed, half-White, or whatever, he's still a nigger (to them). it feels good to have a Black/African/mixed/half-White president, though.

http://i35.tinypic.com/2isy02.jpg

i watched three of the four-part PBS special "Africans in America" while writing my paper over the last few days. good stuff. i remembered watching it before, but i was younger then. bah. oh, i also found a place to watch all the episodes of Wolf's Rain online, so i think i'm going to try to watch an episode a night (except for Monday night, i'm gonna be up all night studying for my Psych Stats test).

bah. uhm... idk. my dreams don't make sense, but they never did.

i think i'm gonna doctor up some of this damn Chef Boyardee (yuck!) and eat, so i don't feel bad for being a hermit and staying indoors all day today.

peace & much love to ya.

beautifulday.

2008-11-04T02:04:00.002-06:00

today was long as hell, but it was an amazing monday :)

went to class in my new vest, felt great all day long. went to improv class for a little bit, then skipped out to be a poet, lol. had a mini-slam to perform at, this cat named Heru who performed told me i was excellent... lol, it was great. then i broke outta there with Gerald and Adam and went to this bomb-ass on-campus restaurant called Ibby's... food was good as all creation. well, maybe not that good, but you feel me, right? like we were already hella geeked by the time we were eating the bread, lol. good stuff. i missed being in company of my favorite assholes. Adam and i should hang out more, he's good people.

yeah, i'm about to shower and hit the bed. class in the AM. Wanda's waking up extra early to vote since she's registered in Missouri. i already in my absentee ballot, so bla-DOW.

obama, ftw? OBAMA, FTW!

peace & much love to ya.

choosy.

2008-11-02T21:59:00.001-06:00

i reserve the right to be picky.

yeah. i do. in food, in clothing, in friends, in interests, in men. i fully reserve the right to like one type of one category more than another type of the same category and to not be satisfied until i get the one i want/need/like. now, that's not to say that if times are hard economically, that i won't settle for something i can afford... but if i have the resources at my disposal, i'm going to get what i want. which is why i'm really sitting back this time around. this dude Ronald is talking to me, but i'm really not feeling his lifestyle. he smokes weed, drinks to get drunk, doesn't have any firm beliefs, just a little too cocky for my tastes... so idk. he's weird, though, so i'm pretty sure he's doing the same thing i'm doing -- talking to someone of the opposite sex completely for fun. flirting IS a pastime, y'know...

ronald: Hey love
ronald: Missed ya
ronald: Im b waintin to c u on here lol

yeah, aiight. i believe no words, homeboy. i really don't.

i really want more than anything to go home. you have NO idea. i've had the hardest wave of homesickness ever this year because i realized that there is no one who loves me more, who i can trust more, who i can turn to more than my family. listen to my corny ass. i want my daddy :(

i did nothing today. talked to renzy for a while, washed and flat-ironed my hair, read a little...

yeah. i'mma go read.

[edit]
"and you BETTER be smiling when you wake up in the morning, BITCH!"
drey, ftw!

peace & much love to ya.

galleriadaze.

2008-11-02T01:13:00.002-05:00

i went to the mall today like i planned... i didn't spend TOO much... i stuck with my promise and spent under $100, which is good, i guess... i have yet to check my account to see what i have left so i can figure out the best way to beg my parents for some cash.... i got about $80 left. geez... looks like i'm not taking a cab to the airport this year [sighs]. gonna have to hit up that metro or see if i can get a ride. AHHHHH, i forgot to call or text Ashley to tell her that i wasn't coming to her house. i'm such a failure. this is a problem. but yeah, money's SUPER tight. i'm trying to think how i'm gonna make it. i know i'll do it... i still haven't deposited that $25 check from my auntie yet and i think i got more money coming my way from my grandmother, so i'll check up on that soon... maybe go yell at Demarco, my favorite postal worker here, so i can figure out where my money is gahtdammit, lol. i'll make it.

so, i didn't get TOO much at the mall... some stuff i had my eye on from the website... i didn't get the dresses [pout] they had the mafia-type dress, but it wasn't in my size, so we'll leave it alone for now... maybe later... but i DID get this cute-ass vest (please ignore this chick's jewelry and her t-shirt...)

nice, right? then i went to the gap and got myself two white tees to go under it... i think i'mma wear this outfit on monday. Wanda told me to save it for Visions, but i got a black Nike golf shirt to wear that day that's still cute... or even my other black shirt. i got this under control, naamean?

i'm washing my hair tomorrow. it NEEDS to be done. and it itches :( oh, i also decided that i might go to England instead of Australia. it's 50/50 right now. i have this really big desire to go to the University of Queensland and really get a fel for Australia, but i won't know anyone there. but if i go to Sussex University in England, Lorenzo said he'll take me to the zoo and the science museum and that we can hang out and cook and whatnot, lol. and i know i'd be hella lonely at U of Q all by myself. ehhh... i'll think it over. i have until May to put in my app anyway. i should be fine.

the Harambee Christian Ministries fast starts ~~tomorrow~~ today -- no sweets. i can do it... i mean, it'll be kinda hard because i love those cakes and pies they serve in the DUC and i love a good latte in the morning or a nice cup of oatmeal or farina with sugar and butter. i guess i'll have to find a new breakfast... smoothies in the DUC? hella expensive, though. i'll figure something out.

readdicted to Usher. damn shame. switched up my playlist and everything.

happy end of daylight savings.

peace & much love to ya.

scarytimes.

2008-11-01T03:16:00.004-05:00

my best friend Nina and my daddy both hit me up talking about how the Bloods back home in NYC are having their initiation rituals and are running up on females, stabbing them and cutting them up. last i heard, they cut up 21 females, they need to get to 31 to be initiated. my dad's telling me about 12-year-old girls getting their faces sliced open and stuff. i'm praying for everyone's safety. that's why i don't like going out on Halloween, man... crazy times.

i got my hair braided in two big ol' early Lil' Bow Wow braids, lol... i don't care, i think they look cute. Lesley did 'em for me right before rehearsal. they're coming out, but it's cool, i gotta wash my hair and whatnot soon anyway.

oh, R.I.P. to my MP3 player (12/25/07 - 10/31/08). it up and died on me today, but i was expecting it... it was having issues with the hold button, so i cracked it open to check out what was going wrong (not like broke it... it had been cracked open before slightly so i could fix it). stuff got fixed, but only for a moment... and then the spinny thing in the middle refused to work, so it just all crashed downhill from there. now the front panel won't respond AT ALL. oh, well... it was a good MP3 player while it lasted, especially considering how awful i've treated it. i was gonna cop a refurbished 16GB one (the same one i had) off of Amazon for like $100 because Best Buy was tryna charge me $150 for an 8GB. ewwww, no. so i called my daddy to see which was better, a "Like New - Used" or a refurbished one and he was like "email me the link and i'll buy it for you". i was like WORD?! thanks, Dad! i swear hes amazing... he's probably not gonna give me that cash next week, though... idk. i REALLY wanna go shopping and cop that dress, especially since i have that $10 off coupon that i have to use before November 30th. i'll try to resist from buying everything, though... we'll do my wardrobe overhaul over the summer, while i'm making money. i really need to step my business casual game up... i need business-ish clothes that can convert to classy everyday wear if i need it, i need a few new pairs of sneakers/Converses/dress shoes... uhhmmm... jewelry, some other stuff... i'll play it by ear. i wanted a pair of these AppleBottoms jeans that Torrid had because FOR ONCE, nothing is written across the ass, but it had this horrid big ass belt-buckle thing in gold that read APPLE BOTTOMS and it was like.... ewww. nah. idk, i might still go tomorrow...

i want some breakfast! lol. i think i'll wake up early tomorrow and check out breakfast at bears den. i haven't had good breakfast food in a while.

oh, and i'm loving Lorenzo's accent. don't tell him. he's making me wanna write about my ex. i wrote one poem... eh... i'll share it and make this a long ass post... please work with me on this, it's a little scattered because i wrote it in class and because i was trying to sort out how i felt and all that...

i woke up this morning
without remembering you.
i am not hard-hearted or closed to the world
shut oyster-tight and oozing surly.
there are actually soft, pretty places
where snippets of you live,
shavings thought to be swept under carpets
and machinery of normalcy
neslted into pockets.
there are good things.
all five senses except for smell
have scrapbooked you in segments and pieces
(you are not to be digested whole)
collaging you into polished bronze.
to be sure, there are good things.
i keep these among the other things,
equal but not separate from satchels of tears and second-degree burns
mothballed and oakwood barred into boxes.
i take the best of you with me
and season it with bitter from your mind,
from our end.
i wrap my palms around the thorns
to inhale roses and my blood.
epiphanies smell like saltwater and sweet and metal.
malleable, i change you into this,
into what i can forget in the morning
ignored like footrugs in my bleary-eyed beginning.

yeah. i think i'll end on that.

peace & much love to ya.

backpacking.

2008-10-31T04:21:00.000-05:00

ayyyyeee, how ya doin', how ya do? you good? that's good. i'm good, too. we good.

uhmm... yeah, i've been thinking about doing study abroad for a half a year to a year. i mean, i always wanted to do study abroad, i just didn't want to learn a new language. thankfully, the psych program has study abroad. i can go to England, Israel, or Australia. i'm leaning towards Australia because i've always wanted to go there anyway. i'd be at University of Queensland in Brisbane for either one or two semesters, depending on how i feel. it'll be good because i definitely wanna travel and there's nothing like traveling for free (or reduced price) during college. that way, all i have to do is worry about getting my studies done... no worry about making money or whatever. besides, i was doing some research and whatnot and it turns out Brisbane is like the 3rd largest city in Australia, which means there should be plenty to do. my daddy said to take whatever opportunities come my way, which i think is a good idea, so i'm going to the information session on November 4th.

speaking of Nov. 4th, i sent in my absentee ballot. [crosses my fingers] let's do the dang thAng, Obama.

you seen the new Chris Rock stand-up special, Kill the Messenger? good stuff. he said some real stuff... like that women can't go backwards in lifestyle, which is hella true. i tried to deny it and everything but uhhh.... nah, i can't do it. i'm too used to having money at my disposal. like... i'm supposed to go shopping this weekend, but idk if i can do it now because my account went under $200, which is a BIG thing for me... my father said he's gonna hit me up with some cash next week because he's got money coming his way, but i gotta budget, because some harsh shit stays happening... like i lost my ID card and my metropass today. UGGGHHH. now, this freshman picked up my ID, so i'm cool... i just need that metropass. maybe i can bum someone's for a while... Wanda never uses hers, so i'll see if i can borrow it for the weekend so i can take myself shopping. have i shown you the fire-ass dresses i want?

hotness, right? yup yup... i wish they weren't so amazingly expensive, but it's cool. i'll figure something out. i'm plotting on copping at least one of those dresses this weekend along with some new shoes (hopefully, some benevolent store somewhere will have the Reebok RBK OGs in my size for once), maybe a blouse or two, new hair doodads or whatever... yeah. i'm planning to overhaul on my wardrobe this upcoming summer, too. i still love my jeans and t-shirts vibe, but i gotta start doing something else. start moving on to some more dressy-ish stuff. nothing crazy like all suits or something, but definitely something off what i'm doing now... few more dress shoes, black jeans, blouses.... THOSE DRESSES. gawsh, i need that cash to come my way.

which brings me to my next point. i was talking with my best friend Khalid (seen to the left cheesin' with me) and he was talking about how he's making moves now, y'know? like, he's planning big stuff for '09. and i wanna start planning, too, shoot! lol... like... i'm looking at this fellowship thing i could apply for that'll make me look good for grad school and let me do some undergrad independent research. i'm a little wary because i've already almost overextended myself, so i need to make sure that i don't do that with this... doing too much will mean that i suffer somehow, be it in amount of sleep, quality of social life, or quality of grades, and none of those things are things that i want to suffer. i wanna start getting a financial plan for when i graduate, though. since this scholarship package is doing well, i don't wanna throw away the opportunity to graduate without debt by not doing anything to put away cash for when i get outta here.

bah. we'll discuss this in the morning, you need your sleep, right? yeah, me, too. i had like two gulps of some random-ass energy drink, though, and my sleep's been screwed up since Monday when i stayed up until 7 am, but i'll get back on track eventually.

btw, are you ready for the overhaul? yeah, i'mma try it again... another self-renovation. the first one went well, all things considered. the next step is gonna be... slightly more drastic? idk yet, we'll see. take it one step at a time.

peace & much love to ya.

shackles.

2008-10-28T14:28:00.003-05:00

long story short, Kevin and I are no longer together. no details for the masses.

uhh... i cut class today to sleep. i got a book to read. i was supposed to cook for Scottie today, but he's going to a birthday dinner. oh, and i gotta call my best friend Khalid back and talk to him for a bit... yeah.

peace & much love to ya.

throwinthetowel.

2008-10-27T00:18:00.002-05:00

i can't do this anymore. i really can't.

i can't be at the mercy of Kevin's tantrums and pity parties and mood swings. i just can't do it. and i can completely understand why he's upset, but i cannot understand why he'd take it out on me when i CLEARLY didn't do shit to him. i really wish i could treat him this way, sometimes, let him be the one crying himself to sleep, let him be the one who can't concentrate on his work, who becomes distant from everyone because of how he feels. i love him with all my heart, but i can't take much more of this, emotionally, spiritually, physically, or academically. i don't even know how to think anymore... part of me wants to be done with him, especially considering what he told me today... and then the other part is waiting. one of the 48 laws of power is to play a sucker to catch a sucker... but if playing the sucker makes you feel like a sucker (or actually makes you the sucker)... then is it worth it?

peace.

lonelyworld.

2008-10-26T11:39:00.002-05:00

long story short, Kevin and i got into this really big fight right before my birthday. it's pretty much resolved now, but it was... intense? lol. it was a really big mess. i don't even really wanna get into it, but we seem to be fine now. at least, I'M fine and he says he's fine.

point form for everything else...

i had a dinner party last night, complete success. i made marinated beef and onions over white rice and a cheesy spinach chicken bake and we watched Major Payne.
i have a BUNCH of work to do.
grades have been slightly better. not great, but... eh. a little progress is better than no progress.
that Dominican dude is still tryna talk to me =/
i'm addicted to Mob Wars
i want a new phone
i have no idea why i'm so concerned with my nails all of a sudden
i want new clothes really bad
started listening to this group called FKi (Fly Kids, inc.). loving them so far.
also got an unreleased Lupe track from Daniel and the new Eminem track. life is good.

that's all folks.

peace.

nightofthelivingdead.

2008-10-17T10:40:00.002-05:00

my roommate's gone, off and went to Chi-Town for fall break while i keep myself right here and do work. i'm not complaining, though, i've got the room to myself until like sunday-ish. actually, i've got the whole dorm room to myself for some reason... i was gonna guess that everyone went to class, but it's fall break, there's no class =/ ah, well, i'm just here by myself, then...

this dude that i used to talk to for a brief while after Marcos and i broke up, named Martin? apparently, he gave his s/n on yahoo to one of his friends and me and that dude had a convo for a hot minute. we were cool and whatnot until he asked if i had a boyfriend and i told him yes. i swear, dudes never wanna talk after they find out a girl has a boyfriend. lol, get over yourself, it's possible that i wouldn't have wanted to date you ANYWAY. and besides the fact, you really think i'mma toss a relationship nine months strong out the window so that i can talk to shaky-faith-in-relationships you? nah. lol, i ain't mad, i'm just amused. like... if i was talking to a dude, even one that i had serious relationship interest in, and i found out he had a girlfriend? i wouldn't just wana STOP talking to him, especially if i was having fun talking to him anyway. that's how i became friends with Freddy - he was cute and interesting and all, but he had a girlfriend, so i just laid off being super personal of flirty and talked to him. of course, his girl got mad at me because i was arond him too much, even though all we were talking about was cartoons. he has a new chick now, though, outta Jersey... they're the cutest little out-of-control dysfunctional couple i've ever seen... besides me and Kev, of course.

lol @ that dude IMing me just now on some "hood morning". lmaoooo, dominicans are funny (no mccain)

i'm actually type hungry right now... i got some work to do and a scripture to find before i go to rehearsal tonight. but i really am kinda hungry... and i don't feel like indulging in snack food... or cooking like i thought i would. maybe i'll cook a little later... wait... i think Bear Mart is closed tomorrow. crap in a basket.

hey, i ahd this dream where i was in a tunnel on a highway, right? and we were supposed to be doing... something, idk... but we had to be careful because sometimes the floor would move to let cars pass. so, in the process, i injured my right arm and it was hurting for all the rest of my dream (a lot of other stuff happened... we were running on the highway and stuff, it was weird) and when i woke up, it still kinda hurt.. like, if i touch the places it hurt now, most of it has worn off, but there's a part that still hurts. weird.

i do things that you ain't used to, baby
and take you back home to St. Lucia, baby
when raindrops hit the tin roof, it's crazy
that's a metaphor, did i lose you, baby?

lol, so i finally got Comeback Season and i'm not mad at it. i wanted to be mad at the way he just rapped at the beginning of Robin Thicke's Teach U A Lesson and then let the rest of the song be the same, but Gerald did that with a Musiq song, so i can't be mad. i also got addicted to "Brand New" and "Asthma Team". i know i'm like EXTRAORDINARILY late, but better late than never, right? thanks, Adina, you finally pushed me to get his music.

okay, i'm about to run and get me some food so i won't be so hungry by rehearsal tonight.

peace.

perchance.

2008-10-14T17:00:00.000-05:00

october 11, 2008
11:36 pm

so last night, i had this dream that Kevin called me around 5:45 am was like, "hey baby, my phone got cut back on!" so i was like, "oh, okay, but it's like... 6 am, why you so up?" and he was like "well, i wanted to call you since it was back on". i think i was cheesing in that dream... i even said to myself, "i hope this isn't a dream". whomp whomp, it was. the last i heard from him was a quick "hey hun, how are you doing?" when he jumped on AIM earlier while i was out at WILD. he'd been signed off for like two hours by the time i got it. ugh. i'm not feeling not speaking to him for such long periods of time. it's really killing me.

WILD today sucked. Nyte Owl and Kid Sister greatly disappointed me. and i heard David Banner was just a nigga, like always. Talib was supposedly really good, though. but i couldn't take that crowd of drunken-ass people, so i headed back to the 40, went to Bear Mart and hung out for a couple hours. got three bags of free food offa it, HAAAYYY. now i'm supposed to go to the Village to see Candice, but i'm staying back to read and whatnot. i need to do work. i was SUPPOSED to do work today, but i got so caught up with hanging out with people at WILD, that i didn't even come straight back like i meant to. i was gonna go to Bear Mart, get some snacks, and come back to the room. that plan went out the window DUMB fast.

october 14, 2008
1:04 pm

i didn't wanna delete what i had written from before, so this will be a two-part blog, mmkay? well, Kevin's phone still isn't back on, but i finally got up the courage to tell him some stuff i'd been holding onto. it went over well, there was no conflict (there really shouldn't have been conflict, but i know how guys act, soooo yeah), BUUUTTTT, i just had a video chat session with him, so i feel especially great now :D! seeing his smile made me especially happy. uhhmmm... yeah, i'mma just recap the week thus far in point form...

went to Target and spent like $80, yeesh. some of the stuff i really needed... other stuff was just extra, I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF!
got a new white blouse-ish kinda shirt to wear on my birthday.
FINALLY got "Seeing Sounds" on my MP3 player.
got a C+ on a paper and felt like i got sucker punched in the gut. ahh, well. there's always next time, n'est-ce pas?
attempting to start studying harder, but it's phailing, lol.
have a project on Jonathan Winters to do for improv class. it has to be 8-10 minutes long and i'm already thinking to take up part of that with a video about him and prop comedy.
i only have 8 of the 12 pepsis i bought left :(
"worked" at Bear Mart sweeping up and cleaning the fro yo station and got three bags of free stuff for my troubles. i also now know how to ring myself up on the cash register.
i keep failing at giving myself a manicure. ah, well.
i bought fishnets to wear with my dress for the scholarship dinner next week. i'mma look super ca-yoot.
my uncle Zaki comes home from prison on the 22nd.
i've been reading the newest book i bought, "Cell" by Stephen King. good stuff.
i got back into poetry.
i can't WAIT to go home and see my family and Kevin.
i'm addicted to the song "Anti Matter" by NERD... oh and "His Mistakes" by Usher. don't judge me.
i don't feel like doing work.

peace.

longerdayslongernights.

2008-10-11T03:13:00.002-05:00

my chest hurts.

do you know that you can have a heart attack and never know it? i think i have cardiac arrhythmia - that's when your heart can't beat on rhythm. i think it's also called a heart murmur, but that could be something different. either way, my chest hurts and it feels like it's beating weird. i hope i'm not dying, lol.

i miss Kevin a whole lot. sometimes (like now, when i have too much time to think), i feel like i miss him way more than he misses me, think about him way more than he thinks about me. who knows? with his phone off now, things just got harder, at least for me.

i have a hole in my sock. i also waste a lot of money. i have less than my comfortable threshold in the bank right now, and i need a way to make money. being broke is not cutting it.

my birthday is on the 20th. i as thinking about celebrating, but i can't think of a single thing that i really ant to do, except go home and see everyone. this is gonna be my very first birthday away from home. i also want to shop, but, like i said, i have very little money left, and i like to have discretionary funds so that in case anything happens (like my charger PHAILING or that i need new headphones), i can do it, no questions asked. i like that power and the less money i have, the less of that power i have. suckssss.

my chest doesn't hurts as much anymore. i think i had gas.

i really miss him, though. can you tell him that for me? thanks.

peace.

longdistance.

2008-10-09T16:16:00.002-05:00

i hate choices.

not everyday choices. those are great. i like choices like... green tee or hoodie and wifebeater? american eagle flats or jordans? latte and cream of wheat or yogurt and plums for breakfast? i mean, the hard ones. the ones that are all life-changing and monumental. like... fall in love or be stubborn? have a social life or get A's? care and cry or be apathetic and hurt quietly? those are the kinda choices that i stare at long and hard, thinking that the answer will pop into my head like it's been there the whole time. i hate those choices. i used to ask my daddy about almost all of my decisions. i used to ask him what he thought and what his take on stuff was and finally he told me that he wasn't gonna do that anymore.

i feel way too far away from everyone.

peace.

slacker.

2008-10-08T12:48:00.002-05:00

12:48 PM.

cutting class? yup. and that's okay. got my two papers done, got (some) sleep, fdrank some coffee and had a slice of Mississippi Mud Pie. deliciousness. life is pretty good, can't complain. left my AIM on all night, so i got a message from Kevin that his phone was off and telling me that he loved me :) j'aime mon amant.

i stayed up until 6-something in the morning, no lie. i was with Candice in the Lopata computer lab, just hanging out. she really is one of the coolest people i know, no lie. God's been working a lot of things out and i think Candice might be His answer to my question about lacking a best friend.

speaking of God working things out, Kesley stopped me after i got my coffee today and was talking about God working with him, too.

let me go to class, i'll continue this at a later date.
btw, pray that i can actually pass the quiz i'm bound to have in African-Americans and Children's Literature, okay? thanks.

remedial.

2008-10-07T17:49:00.002-05:00

conference changed my life. that's all i will say. too much of it is inexplicable, and every time i've tried to tell someone how it was, i fall horribly short of really explaining it. so i won't. just know that it was one of the best decisions of my life.

Kevin's present presumably got lost in the mail. i'm pissed beyond measure.
i have two papers due tomorrow. i've only completed one.
i keep getting 75s in Psych Stats
Kevin's phone is off, which means he probably won't even call me on his house phone. ugh, lame.
i'm trying not to fall into my usual pattern of coasting between manic highs and epic lows, but it's hard.
i miss home. i miss my family. i miss my friends. i miss my boyfriend. i miss being at Fall Conference.
i can't seem to pin down exactly what makes me sad.
i'm supposed to start looking into taking counseling sessions here at the school. [sighs] maybe.
i've been snacking like it's my job.
i want new clothes for my birthday, but i probably won't get them. i probably won't even really dress up. this is the very first birthday that i won't be home for. it's depressing me already. plus, no one really cares when you turn nineteen - you can't do anything new. i don't even think i want presents. i don't want anything except my family... and maybe for Kevin to visit me, but i'm 99% sure that won't happen.

i'm a mess half the time, i swear.
i'll be back on my feet one of these days.

peace.

leaf.

2008-09-29T22:29:00.000-05:00

"so are you still feeling neglected?"

i've been too worried about school, which, btw, i'm failing horribly at. i shouldn't have taken eighteen credits, but you live and you learn, right? i'll go to fifteen next semester, because this is a problem. i spent all weekend writing this one paper that could've been done by friday night, but ehh... i was a procrastinator. so i negleted to do any other work this weekend, which resulted in a day of epic failure, lol. i didn't read for my food and lit class, but that was interrupted for a fire drill. then i went to psych of adolescence and got my test score back. i thought i had done well - i got a 74, lmaooo. then i went to education, childhood, and society and realized i hadn't written a FRICKING ONE-PAGE PAPER for that class, nor had i done the reading, so i ended up PHAILING the in-class quiz. when they told me about the paper i had missed, i seriously damn near cried outside of class. then after bombing the quiz, i spent about fifteen more minutes trying not to burst into tears, lol. then i went to my african-americans and children's lit class and got ANOTHER quiz that i thought i was totally prepared for. i wasn't. lol. so i spent the whole day feeling horrible.

"i promise on everything, baby, i'm changing my ways"

Kevin told me on... Wednesday that he was going to change up. that there wouldn't be all of the problems where i never speak to him and all that junk because he was almost done with all the crazy stuff on his plate. that was cool... i mean, i was tryna tell him how i wasn't tryna stop him from doing what he had to do, i just didn't wanna feel like he never wanted to talk to me or anything like that... but, of course, i couldn't get in contact with him all thursday and all friday morning/afternoon. then he texted me Friday afternoon about how everything was gonna go back to normal and how i wasn't gona feel neglected anymore, which... y'know, that's great. i love that he's trying harder, that we're supposed to be talking more and all that. i just can't stand feeling so far away from everyone. it's really taking a toll on me, especially when paired with the fact that i can feel my academic life drowning.

i mean... you have no idea, so much of my life centered around the idea that i was smart. my good grades were the only thing that defined me for a very long time, except for maybe my singing abilities. i was "the smart kid". people came to me for homework help. for Christ's sake, my best friend used to hold my hand before math tests to "absorb" whatever intelligence he thought i had. i was teaching my tenth grade bio class. if there was something that no one could tell me, it was that i was dumb. i KNEW i was smart. i had the tests and essays and GPA to prove it. now? i don't even know... i'm gtting grades in the seventies at every turn, C's and 60's and other grades i practically never saw throughout middle school and high school. and i feel DUMB. like... ugh. the idea of failing? it's killing me. and i can't tell my parents that i'm failing like this, because they expect 90's and 100's from me and anything less means that i'm not trying hard enough or i'm too distracted or i'm not putting my all into it since i got all A's in high school. i don't know what to do! if i'm not "the smart kid", then... then i don't know. i had sooooo much pride on being smart. i felt good. even if i thought i wasn't pretty or creative or talented, i knew, KNEW, i was smart. and now that's pulled out from under me and i don't know how to handle it anymore.

[sighs]

he's asleep, so i can't tell him this. and he'll probably think i'm stupid for crying. ugh. there's no telling my parents because they'll only say to work harder. can't tell my friends because they'll only say "how do you think WE feel?" ... but their lives weren't centered around being smart. they had other activities and whatnot.

BAAAAHHH.

i need a vacation from this. i'll get that next weekend at Fall conference, i'm OUTTA HERE.

peace.

robertfrost.

2008-09-26T02:00:00.004-05:00

it's cool being the only one, but it's lonely
i could've fallen in love a thousand times before
if only someone had known me
Gnarls Barkley - Surprise

heh.
so i was watching The Dark Knight online, right? because let's be real - i done missed ii in IMAX, by the time i get back to NY, it won't be in theaters.... i might as well. so i was watching it in the dark with a hoodie on, door closed, speakers on, cold iced tea to my right, life is GOOD, right? i mean, it was significantly better than moping around, which is what i had been doing before. well, Wanda came home and had to finish her test, so the lights came on, the speakers went on mute and the movie was finito... though i could technically watch it now since she's asleep... hmmm... after i blog and shower, then i'll watch again. anyway, so i realized i was just gonna get upset over stuff again, so i packed up and walked out my dorm. walked across campus to my friend's room, plopped down in a chair and read for about 20 minutes, then put my hoodie over my head and laid back. she caught on that i wasn't feeling my best and asked what was wrong and i told her i wanted to go home started crying under my hoodie (though i don't think she heard). she asked why and i said i didn't know and just laid there until i felt myself going to sleep. once i did, i got up and left out her room. sat in her common room and watched The Color Purple for a few. left there. ran into Grant and hugged him because i didn't feel good. went back across campus and thought i'd head back and hit the sheets, but i ran into Gerald, lol. followed him back to Gregg and hung out with him, Cheeks, Kesley, and D-Mac for a while, cracking jokes and catching up. then they played Super Smash Bros. and i watched for a while, then left out. went to the study room to joke with Scottie(!!!, lol, like no joke i LOOOVVVEEE Scottie, he's like the mascot to my life) and Zack. left out and came home.

in all that, though, the one thing that made me realize why i was upset and why i wanted to go home was Grant hugging me. man... that was a good hug. and i realized that i wanted to go home because i didn't feel a closeness with anyone. all the people i feel close with are hundreds of miles aay on the east coast and i'm missing being physically close to them... not just Kevin, but really my father. i'm realizing that he's seriously my very best friend (if only he had time for me, he's gonna look up and i'll be 20, yikes) and not being around him, not hugging him is getting to me. oh, i can hug other people, but no one hugs with feeling here. maybe Grant, but that just may be that he's taller than me and i feel safer in hugs where the other person is taller than me, but no one else gives that kinda "i love you and i got you" kinda feeling when they hug me. that paired with the fact that i'm lacking the kind of bestfriendship that i want to keep going, i'm feeling a bit alone. i mean, i have a series of people that i can talk to about my problems and i can tell all of them varying amounts of things on varying topics, but there's no one i can tell EVERYTHING to. i can't even do my end-of-the-day rant-and-release like usual because Kevin's off doing... whatever. i'm just accepting that no one is going to have time for me like that anymore. everyone's got their own lives and will come find me when it's convenient. no big, right? lol, so why am i tearing up? fuck this, i'm about to shower and watch the rest of the Dark Knight.

over and out, y'all.

peace.

tailoring.

2008-09-25T16:22:00.002-05:00

bold as love
and all of these emotions of mine keep holding me from giving my life to a rainbow like you

"so you're feeling neglected..."

i told him yesterday that i ain't even fel like he wanted to talk to me half the time. when when he said that he does, i told him that it just seemed that way because we could never line up to have a time to talk. then i put up my away message and headed to dinner and bible study without my phone. five hours later, i came back to both an IM and a voicemail... i liked the voicemail a whole lot more, but both of them basically said have fun and good luck at the dinner and that he promised things would change back to how they were and to trust him. though i'm not as pissed at him anymore, i'm still gonna belive it when i see results. i miss him a whole lot, y'know? much as i gripe about him, il est mon amant and that's not about to change. but it just hurts a lot when i get a lot of promises that don't get fulfilled. if there's one thing i don't like, it's broken promises. why promise if you can't keep it? and if you can't keep it, why not forewarn me? i don't know. raise your hand if you think i'm just thinking too hard.

i almost miss talking to Canzone. he was a pain, but he made sense and we used to have mad long conversations and crack up over everything. he was a pretty good friend. he, like most people, doesn't have time for me anymore. i can feel that, though - everyone's got a life to live and ain't too many people gonna slow it down for one person. yeah. i just miss all the people i used to talk to all the time. like Brandi... damn, i think Brandi might even be mad at me. even when i hit her up, she's never talking long, or gotta do something else.

i been talking to tana a lot lately (haaaaay, gurrrrooll!) and i am her little asian princess, lmaooo :D

okay, food/tana/wordpress.

peace.

barbienation.

2008-09-21T16:09:00.001-05:00

we all live in a ~~rhythm~~ barbie nation.

i'm not even gonna get into my thoughts on the 1998 documentary "Barbie Nation" that i had to watch for class. that's a whole other blog and, honestly, i don't feel like getting into it.

yesterday marked my godbrother's six month anniversary with his girl. he absolutely adores her, almost worships the ground she walks on. there are pictures of them together all in albums on his FB page with them on the beach, really pretty b&w photos of them hugged up. and, to mark their anniversary, he wrote this long, pretty poem about how she's everything he's ever wanted.

let me reiterate that they've only been together for six months.

so this poem is gorgeous... not exactly Hallmark-heartwarming in a sense, but you can tell that he meant every word. he was saying things like how she is his dream, his heart, his piano, his desert rain, his queen. i just looked at it and smiled. David Charles is like that - when he loves he REALLY loves.

and, of course, that brought me into thoughts of my own present relationship. do i want someone who worships me? hell no. do i want someone who hangs on my every word and wants to be around me ALL the time? not at all. my ex was like that - real doting type, wrote me poems all the time and wanted to come see me all the time and wanted to go to church with me and come to functions and everything. he was around all the time. he lasted three months. i mean, you also have to factor in that he was a pathological liar, but still... anyway, the point is that i've had a taste of that kind of relationship and i honestly don't want that. a nice little quote from Zora Neale Hurston's Their Eyes Were Watching God explains this...

"He's kissin' yo' foot and 'taint in uh man tuh kiss foot long. Mouf kissin' is on uh equal and dat's natural but when dey got to bow down tuh love, dey soon straightens up."

pretty much, it means ass-kissing is a front for something deeper and more devious and even if it isn't, it's bound to end shortly.

but back to my original musings over my present relationship.

PAUSE - anyone who reads this blog is probably sick of my ranting about it, but i can't help it, actually. i'm a person who loves to think ideally. i believe in inherent goodness and things working out in the end and all that sugary stuff we're taught as children and forced to forget as adults because it's not "reality". but in my little ideal world, not TOO much would change about me and Kevin, honestly. i like what we have. i would tweak a few things... but for the most part keep it the same, just so no one goes wondering "well, if she can't stand this negro and what he does so much, she should just stop seeing him". nah. - END PAUSE

but David Charles's poem just got me to thinking. Kevin and i have been together for..... eight months? it'll be nine on october 11th. but eight months. now, i don't believe in "celebrating" monthly anniversaries... that's just too much. but still... at six months i just got a text like "wow, six crazy wonderful months"... scarce, albeit cute. but it was like... well, damn. that's it? but i kept it moving. now my thoughts are moving up our one year anniversary, which would land on january 11th. why is this making me nervous? i don't even know... maybe because i've never been with someone for a year. hmm. if you wanna put my complaint into a neat little capsule, it'd probably just be time. i like attention. A LOT. and talking to him everyday was amazing attention. now, it's likw, i might hear his voice two, three times a week (which is a lot, actually) and hold a real conversation with him maybe once every one or two weeks. lame. lol, he's reminding me of my father. i BEG my father for personal time. literally beg. but he's always too busy. i call my dad, my dad says "i'll call you back" and never does. sound familiar? lol, i just find it really funny that the two men in my life act the same way when it comes to communication half the time. if that ain't comedy...

LOL, and yet, i still wanna make plans to see him over Thanksgiving...

all in all, what David Charles wrote was really pretty and it touched me and it made me think over everything. i might call him later and see what his take on everything is.

i had more to say, but it's along the lines of things you really wanna write, but can't. not overpersonal stuff or whatever, i just.... i don't know. i get tired of typing/writing out everything that bothers me sometimes.

peace.

clout.

2008-09-17T19:57:00.000-05:00

lifestyles of the broke & famous
...and collegiate, lol

aye, so apparently, i'm no longer eligible for work-study. this is good and bad. it's good because that means, for a while, i no longer have to bust my behind time wise. we're talking eighteen credits, assistant director of the gospel choir, AND a job working about eight or nine hours a week (which isn't much, technically, but when you factor in all the rest i do...)? c'mon, i need to catch a break the bad news is not being able to see my kids anymore :( i really wanted to see Armon and Asa and Jaelynn and Justus and Gabriel and all my other wonderful little shrimp-faces. i also think that this might mean i need an ACTUAL job. now, my school is kind enough to have a jobs listing for work outside of the school, but a lot of the jobs i want (like babysitting) require me to have a car or my own mode of transportation, which i don't have (my UPass is somewhere in purgatory). sooooo, now i'm trying to figure out what has to be done... i mean, i'm receiving this scholarship called the Sanford Loewentheil Scholarship (details here.. scroll down until you see his last name in bold print), so i think that should cover everything, but i'm not sure. if it does, that would be amazing... but i'd also want to work. i'd call my dad and see if he can hook me back up with that graphic design job that i had when i was young and dumb (aka, about 16) that i never got paid for. eek, that reminds me that i need to do my father's MCBC 100th anniversary logo... eek. i'll get to it. anyway, i'd still want to work, y'know, to have some cash in my pocket. i'm steady depleting my funds, so a constant cash flow, even a small one, would be nice. i'm actually looking into working at the Medical School here. they apparently have this pediatric medicine - newborn program that i could work in, even though i'd be working with mice and not babies. i can deal with that.

so anyway, as i'm contemplating all of this, i'm also struggling to make sure that i keep my head above the water academically. my psych stats exam grade was dismal and i ended up panicking about EVERYTHING. i really felt like i had started drowning, there was so much to do! i got it all done yesterday, though, so i'm quite proud of myself, but i'm not in the clear yet. i still have a lot to get through.

oh! so i'm sitting in the DUC today eating chocolate ganache cake (which is scrumdiddlyumptious, by the way) and who comes up and taps my shoulder but the dean of the College Arts and Sciences? you wanna talk about bowled over?! i didn't even know that the man remembered my face, let alone my name! i really feel honored, though, because there are thousands of students in A&S and it means a lot that he woud actually remember me. i haven't felt this special since Jeff Nelson called to me across the village, lol... or when that freshman came up and randomly hugged me like i was all cool. [ puts on Fonz shades ] ayyyyyyeee.

uhmm... [ scratches the back of my neck ] a couple of times a school year, i end up hitting a snag. like... a BIG snag. one of those snags that makes me freak out and either think i'm going to fail school/life or a big emotional freakout/breakdown/whatever you care to call it. and during at least one out of these, i can't contact ANYONE. like... my father will be extraordinarily busy. my stepmom won't answer her phone. Kevin either won't pick up the phone or will be busy (this happened freshman year and it devastated me, but that's a whole other story) and i'm left feeling really bad with no one close to talk about it with. i mean, i could always talk to Wanda now that she's my roommate, but sometimes i want my family or my boyfriend there for me. it's a different feeling, y'know? but i always end up somewhere alone in those moments. for a while, i thought it was really cruel - why have someone be alone at these moments when they want nothing more than to lean on someone else? but, you know me - i try to be theologically rational about things. so, i thought why WOULD it happen? so far, i'm trying to convince myself that it's because sometimes, you can't look to other people to be your comfort. sometimes, it's gotta be between you and God to find the comfort. other people are great, but if you can't find it within yourself, you might be in a bad way.

then again, that's just what i'm telling myself...

ah well, time for ANTM.

peace.

chronomentrophobia.

2008-09-16T13:48:00.004-05:00

the fear of clocks.

before i get into that, though...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SANTANA!
you's grown, now! pop the Patron (or the Yellowtail, if you're broke, lmaooo)!!!

the idea of there not being enough hours in the day is quite relative. i was stressed out last night because i really have a lot to do today -

1. class
2. read for psych stats
3. read for adolescence of psychology
4. read for african-americans and children's lit
5. read for food and american lit
6. clean my room
7. attempt to clean the common room
8. maybe wash dishes...

plus, y'know, eat, stay sane, at least TRY to hit people up, maybe go RP a little for a break, blog, that kinda thing. now, i've done #1, and started on #2 and #4, so i feel SOMEWHAT better. the last three i could technically leave for thursday afternoon since the dishes will get washed one way or another and my room isn't unliveable. ah well. we'll see. i like to bounce between tasks, so stuff will get done at a jerky pace.

i finally spoke to Kevin last night, which helped somewhat. he was his normal self on the phone, which was good to hear. he sniffed out that i was upset real quick, though and wouldn't give up until i told him what was wrong. it ended alright... i mean, no one hung up lol and we fell asleep on the phone, which we haven't done since Thursday. good stuff.

eh.. i might come back, but who knows. 'tis all for now, folks.

peace.

autopsychoanalytical.

2008-09-12T23:27:00.005-05:00

you know your problem is?

lol, i've heard people say that, but only on TV and in movies. someone will say something hurtful or do something mean and the other person will go into a frustrated rage and go, "you know what your problem is?!" and then go into something like "you're afraid to let go" or some other TV drama BS like that. no one corrects themselves, though, because if characters could figure themselves out, they wouldn't need other people to play off of. and also because they want these people to be healed by people around them or whatever. but that's just TV.

you know what MY problem is?

my problem is me, lol. you ever stopped and thought about things that you'd correct about yourself? i have and the things i want to change are weird because i like them, but they don't technically benefit me. like being funny. being funny is cool and all, but then when a joke flops or someone else is funnier or you just get tired of cracking jokes, everyone's mad. but it helps in making friends and having conversations and helping people feel better. every once in a while, i flirt with the idea of wishing that i wasn't so empathetic. when people close to me hurt, i hurt with them. like... to the point where it might as well be me. i call it hyperempathy (it's a word i "borrowed" from an Octavia Butler book). the problem is that you can be the most empathetic so-and-so this side of the rio grande - don't mean people will let you struggle with them. so you end up struggling with them... but alone? lol. it's like.... being a doctor. and everyday, you come into work. and everyday, sick people walk by the door of your hospital, suffering and moaning in pain. and you feel it because you remember when YOU were sick like that, so you come to the door and you tell people to please come in. almost BEG them. it doesn't matter if they have money for it or anything, you'll treat them free of charge if they want. but they just look at you, mumble that they'll take a Tylenol or some Robitussin, and shuffle off. so what do you do? do you keep the doors of the hospital open day after day, never having a patient, but sure that one day, someone will take up your offer and come in? or do you wait for a little bit, then sigh and shut down the hospital? that's what it's like.

my problem is that no matter how many times i tell myself i'll shut that hospital down, i come into work. i wait, because i'm just positive that one day, someone will come in and say that Tylenol and Robitussin aren't working and they want my help. no one really has, though.

i hate that feeling, though. i mean, right now Kevin's upset about... something or the other. i don't know, i haven't spoken to him all day. i just hate how he'll get upset and shut everyone out, including me. let him get mad and he might as well be a brick wall. there's no talking to him and he's sure not talking back. and i understand the need for alone time, for privacy, for reflection. but... i don't know. it just hurts a lot to see him in pain and act like he has to do it alone. he really doesn't. i don't know about other people, but to me, a relationship means agreeing to help support someone emotionally. i personally couldn't date anyone that i couldn't be friends with. if i don't feel like i can call you up when i'm having a horrible day and just vent, or ask you for advice, then either we're probably acquaintances, not friends, and CERTAINLY not in a relationship. my thing is that just like i enjoy having people for me when i'm mad or hurt or tired or worn-out, i also enjoy being the person that someone can come to when they're mad or hurt or tired or worn-out. this does NOT mean that that's ALL i'm good for. not by a long shot. friendship and relationships entail more than that. BUT, i do like to offer that. problem is that the people i feel need it most don't even try. i don't want you to force down how you feel and come at me with a smile like it's all okay when it's not. sometimes people need to cry or be angry or just bitch about something. hell, if i don't wanna see you at a low point, why bother letting me see your good days? i don't know... part of me still wants to shut that old hospital down. i don't see the doors closing anytime soon, but nights like these always make me think about it.

"Henceforth there will be such a oneness between us that when one weeps the other will taste salt."
- author unknown

i might as well have stuffed my mouth with Adobo.

peace.

*edit

i forgot how poignant this song was to what i've been talking about...

"i know you haven't made your mind up yet
but i would never do you wrong
i've known it from the moment that we met
no doubt in my mind where you belong
i'd go hungry, i'd go black and blue
i'd go crawling down the avenue
no, there's nothing that i wouldn't do
to make you feel my love."

adele - make you feel my love

sittingwaitingwishing.

2008-09-10T23:55:00.003-05:00

you know what sucks about love? you can't control it. by no means can you say "i'm not going to be in love" or "i choose not to love you anymore" or anything like that. you love because love wants you too. don't get me wrong - i still think it's a beautiful thing and i treasure it immensely. i just wish i had some sort of bridle on it.

i used to not wanna say it, lol. like... nah, i'm not gonna say it because it'll make it too real, it'll make it too... too true, i guess. if i say that i love him, then it'll be a slippery slope because something could happen... like it wouldn't be real love and i'd be sitting there wit a full heart and no one to empty it out to. that's no fun. but there's really no point in sitting here holding my breath about it.

i love him.

there's so much that makes me sick or sad or mad about him. how sometimes i can't get in touch with him at all, how he's always weird with planning, how sometimes his joking goes too far, how i miss him and can't do anything about it, how he can be inconsiderate.... idk, there's probably another maybe 10 things i could list before i just got nitpicky and redundant... but those are like pop-ups. they hide what i'm really after and they annoy me to no end, but i just carefully close them and move on to what i want/was getting at.

him.

like, wtf. what do you do when you think about someone and it makes you want to laugh and cry in the same breath? how do you deal with days when all you want to do is be with them and you can't? i don't know... when my mind is occupied, i have nothing to really worry about. i can focus on homework, on writing, on blogging, on conversations, on TV and not on him. but when there's downtime? it's like the perfect time for me to become a Murphy's Law machine... i start thinking on all that COULD go wrong since i'm over-analytical. Gerald told me about this girl on campus who was talking to this dude when both of them were pre-froshes. they talked for months into freshman year and she gave up her virginity to him and he just BOOM left her. and i told Gerald that it was fucked up that he would invest so much time into her and then do that and he said "oh no, he was messing with other girls, too". and shit, if that wasn't a bomb on my night. Murphy's Law, here we come.

on the flipside, i hate dwelling on the "could be" because you can imagine things into being real and that's one of the last things i wanna wish into existence. but i end up dwelling anyway. it sucks.

i try to dwell on what i know and experience. last time we talked, i was falling asleep (he, for once, was wide awake) and he told me to hold on for a while and i damn near drifted off before he got back. i basically just mumbled when he came back like "hello?" and he goes "how you gonna fall asleep on me? see, how's this gonna work when we're married?" which is relatively small shit, anyone could talk of it. but trust me - boys refuse to plant explicit ideas in girls' heads unless they want them there. that could always work reversely, though. bah.

i stand by my original statement - i love him.
easier said than done, but always worth it.

peace.

haddawaytellum.

2008-09-09T23:39:00.002-05:00

we might be unfortunate enough to be the beginning of a generation without a true understanding of love as a whole.

this is really scary to me, personally. over the summer, i'd come to the conclusion that the only two things i know, when i get down to the nitty gritty of it all, is faith and love, so for people to lack a knowledge of what love is would probably be akin to people not understanding how music is a portal to the soul and treating as less than that (wait, that's already happening, isn't it, Soulja Boy?) but i digress. i think i've mentioned before that when i was in high school, i was the only girl in my circle of female friends that wanted to have a traditional family and soon. i thought that by the time i was about 25, i'd have at least a Master's degree (hopefully a phD, too) and i'd be ready to start my family - get married, have two or three kids, and be the same kind of mother that my mom was, taking her kids to museums and zoos and on picnics, cooking pancake breakfasts and setting up tents with card tables and sheets for them in the living room. i know it sounds real Leave It to Beaver, but it's really what i want. now, of course, since i'm a PK and all things have to be done in decency and order, in order to have that family, i'd have to have a husband, which is also in line with my plans. i don't think there was a single time in my life where i planned to not get married. i always saw it in my future. and now that i'm older, i kinda want the marriage my father and stepmother have. they're clearly in love, put each other above all else except God (and me, teehee), and they're goofy as all hell together. they fight and they argue and they tease each other and they make each other mad and they don't speak and they apologize and they meet at the middle and they compromise and they work it out.

i say all that to say that i think a lot of people, especially my age range and lower, are losing the sense of waht love is about. i get the feeling that many people don't want to argue, don't want to have differences or problems. to them, love is supposed to be easy. you love someone and you spend days and nights looking into each others' eyes and writing poems and expressing how much you love each other and going on dates. don't get me wrong, i have no problems with these things - they're all beautiful things. to be able to sit with someone and look them in their eyes and just see how their eyes go soft because they're looking both at you and into you? it's amazing. but it's not ALL that love is about. sometimes love is about crying, worrying, fighting. it's about being up at 3 am staring into space. my good friend Brandi gave me a really great piece of relationship advice when i got my first real boyfriend. she said "well, be careful. you're responsible for another heart besides your own now". i thought a LOOOONNNNNNG time about that whole idea of being responsible for another heart besides your own. you have to realize that the things you do and say, how you act, now has a direct effect on another person. perfect example - Kevin came home from Alabama upset, but when i spoke to him, he just sounded tired. so he asked me to go ahead and get ready for bed so i could talk to him and i just kinda bantered with him for a while. so he got a little frustrated and asked me again... well, more like almost demanded. and i laughed and made a smart remark about it. i thought he'd play along. he got mad and hung up on me. now, i thought we were just playing around since we'd played around like that before. but he took real offense to it and when i called him back, he sounded genuinely hurt. i had to remember that even though i was all ready to joke and play, he was tired, weary and just wanted comfort and here i was poking fun at him. i had to be aware that i wasn't dealing with just my wants-needs-thoughts-and-feelings, i was also dealing with HIS wants-needs-thoughts-and-feelings. it's something you have to deal with.

now, there are a lot of people who will go "i don't need to deal with that - i need to deal with ME. they can handle themselves and i shouldn't have to adjust for them or anything like that". that's an unfortunate side effect of having a society that is pushing more and more for individualism. "i just need to do me" - that view is a little dangerous. yes, be primarily concerned with your own well-being, but do not ONLY be concerned with your own well-being. when you are in love, or at least in a relationship, you can't have that mindset. you almost HAVE to be concerned with the other person or else you end up hurting yourself through them. it's a two-way street, as so many people like to say, so you can't just go parading down your side and not take a stroll on the other. it's give and take - i know you go to sleep early because you have class, so maybe some days you go to sleep a little earlier so you can spend some time talking before bed. you live a little far away from each other, so some days you go out there and some days they come to you. it's not all about you and your stuff. it's about creating an us to be concerned about.

okay, i'm sleepy and this blog is hella long.

peace.

damn.

2008-09-09T09:12:00.001-05:00

R.I.P. Don LaFontaine, the voice.

maaaan, that dude is like... a giant chunk of the pop culture of my childhood. [ sighs ]

i'll bbl.

theinner.

2008-09-06T12:32:00.003-05:00

so, the past week has been a bit topsy turvy, y'know? i mean, nothing to much out the ordinary happened, but... eh, let's just tell it how it is.

uhm... so La'Ron came back outta thin air. wordbond, like now you don't see him, now you do kinda shit. and wanna come back all sappy, with a bunch of lovetalk and slipping maybe's into every conversation we have. uhm... no. [ holds out hand ] let's be friends, 'kay? oh no, i forgot, you wana make THAT difficult, too. okay, homie. lemme tell you this, though - ain't gonna be no more i'm up late at night tryna straighten shit out so we can have a normal friendship. i'm just a little too tired of being the one who stitches my friendships back together when i'm not always the one who tore them to begin with. i can admit when i'm wrong, albeit begrudgingly, but i'll admit it, okay? so when it comes time for someone else to 'fess up, i shouldn't be the one busting out the needle and thread, ready to make alterations and repairs. you know how to sew, too. and that doesn't go for just La'Ron...

the middle of this week? lmao, i ain't even gonna go there. straight stupidity...

anyway, so yesterday i get invited to a frat party on the row by my friend Matt. he's part of Tau Kappa Epsilon, so he asked me to come to their party. i was gonna go, but then i found out that the Alphas were throwing a party on campus, too, only it cost $5. alright, cool, that's nothing too big, just i gotta go to rehearsal first. Visions rehearsal was pretty awesome, it's been a little more relaxed since Leah took over for Jude, but we need to try to stay being focused. i had texted Kevin like a good 40 minutes befoe rehearsal began, but i didn't get an answer until about 20 minutes before rehearsal was scheduled to end. i called him afterwards, but it ended up being this big thing where he damn near screamed on me because i was gonna cancel my plans for the night to make sure he was okay. stuff about how needed to handle it by himself and how if i loved him, i'd do whatever i was gonna do that night. like.. that ain't even fair. why would even do that? i don't even know...

so i come back to my dorm from rehearsal, change clothes and all that good stuff and head out with Wanda to go to the APhiA party. we got there maybe 1 half hour into it, so it wasn't good yet. but about another half hour and it picked up. now... eh. i'm not even sure why i went when i know i don't dance. like... maybe if i had a group of friends and we were all dancing together, then yeah. but it was just me and Wanda, and she dances, so what i'm supposed to do? be like 'no, don't go dance, stay with me'? ewww, gtfoutta here. so after about another half hour of standing around, kinda dancing to myself and backing out of dancing with other people twice, i just walked out. i was gonna go text or call someone for a few minutes and then come back, but once i got outside, it was like... if i went back in, would i be doing anything different? would i be having any more fun? so i left. i walked back to my dorm in the dark and called Lennee while i walked, lol. i think she was worried because i sounded kinda out of it, but i just kinda wanted someone sane to talk to, lol. i picked myself up a pint of ice cream (that i have yet to eat) and food for this morning, walked my friend Monica to her dorm, then came back to my own and proceeded to stay up until flippin' 3 am because i'm a loser.

didn't hear from Kevin until this morning and that was brief.

a bunch of my books that i ordered came in, but none of them were the ones i need for this week, whompity whomp whomp.

onto broader topics...
i realized last night that there weren't too many people that i could explain the party situation and why i had gotten uncomfortable to. like... looking through my phoneook and mentally going through people i knew, there were only handful of people that i thought i could explain it to and not get laughed at, or not have them go "you don't make any sense" or something to that effect. i knew Lennee would be cool, even if she didn't get it, because she kinda gets me, but that's something different. i know a lot of people would be like "why did you go if you know you don't party?" or "why waste your money like that?" or whatnot, but it's not just the money and not just that i'm not a dancer, it was a whole bunch of things that contributed to both my going to the party and my leaving. maybe i don't let people be that way. hold 'em out at arm's length and then expect them to know me like they were closer. who knows? it sounds cliche and dumb, but letting people walk in past arm's length is a crapshoot - they can come in and acclimate to everything, try to work with you, or they can spit on the floor, stick gum under the tables, that kinda shit. or you have people who alternate between acclimating and spitting, lol. i don't know if i'm making sense.

peace.

yesyesyall.

2008-09-03T17:55:00.001-05:00

"i like your pants around your feet
and i like the dirt that's on your knees
and i like the way you still say please
while you're looking up at me
you're like my favorite damn disease"

lmao, word, nickelback.
ahem.
btwdreydontkillmeforbitingkthx.

so we had a "real" conversation sunday night... fun stuff, despite the topics mr. man decided to delve into. negro, my roommate's in the room with me! shit. i feel like he went into some other topic to get me off of why he was upset, though. c'mon now, i know you like i know myself - like you know ME - when it comes to you hiding your emotions. let's be real. he's still planning on coming to visit for some break... it depends on where he's at and when he decides to come over. if he comes over like Christmas, he'll still be in NJ and i'll still be with this schedule i got now... man, idk. there was some issues over whether everyone was okay with him being there. like... i know my suitemates, they're accomodating and they'd hold their tongues about if the idea of him being there irked them unless it was a LOT. and they were kinda ehhh about it, so i had to talk to each of them. Wanda didn't seem to mind too much and Kara and Dionne were like "as long as i don't walk in on anything and he doesn't walk around naked". he's talking about coming down the day after his birthday, but that would put him here on a sunday or monday, i think, and by then i'll be super busy... classes pretty much all day monday and wednesday and then a little bit of class and then work on tuesdays and thursdays, which wouldn't leave munch time for me and him. if he could come down on a thursday, that would be good because i have fridays off completely except for Visions rehearsal and saturdays and sundays are usually light for me except for reading and such. maaaaan, i don't know, my week is such a mess... as long as i get him for a weekend, i'd be fine.

awww, man, i ate SOOO much cereal this weekend. i went through an entire box of Cap'N Crunch (that i finished just now, by the way) and it was GOOOD. damn, man, i forgot how much i loved cereal.

i got back into watching a lot of TV, too, which i expected.... i used to spend most of my time in my room hunched over my computer, but now i just bring in into our living room and watch TV while i read .pdf's or whatever. no more webwork, since i'm not taking French anymore, but a LOT of reading. i hope i don't fall behind.

AHHHHH, i have to read another chapter of psych stats before tomorrow (i might wake up early tomorrow to help with it), but ANTM cycle 11 premieres in five minutes. crud.

peace.

*edit

as of the first hour,
ANTM Favorites:
- Sheena, i liked her from the minute she opened her mouth and as soon as i saw she was from Harlem, HAAAAYYY!
- Isis, i don't care about gender, (s)he knows how to pose like LAWD knows what
- Marjorie
- Elina, she's amazingly weird and she frightens me a bit
- Brittany R., i love her versatility and her husky voice

ANTM Dislikes:
- Clark, bitchiness is NOT needed, at least not out loud, don't be proud that you can trample people
- Kasey, i'm SOOO glad she didn't get into the final 20, she was really pretty and you know i support African-Americans on ANTM, but she was just too icky for me... especially how she was hating on Isis.

justtogetby.

2008-08-29T10:17:00.000-05:00

i was in a bit of a dark mood the other night... not sure why, i was just... idk, kinda sad, mad, just feeling down. and while i was in my mood, i realized that we as Americans have taken everything that should be considered a normal occurrence and made them into diseases and disorders. like... while i was upset and trying to figure out why i was upset, i came to the conclusion that i just felt kinda blue. y'know, a time of just being a little sad that would probably pass (which it did). but you can't just be "blue" anymore... you're depressed, or in the "low" phase of bipolar disorder or something of that nature. hyper children or children who are disruptive or whatever have ADHD. even if you feel like you've been sitting your ass in front of the TV too long and wanna get up and walk around, you got "restless legs syndrome".... the fuck? maybe my legs just fell asleep. now, i'm not discounting the seriousness of depression or bipolar disorder or maybe even ADHD (i still think restless legs syndrome is a crock of shit, though), but those things aren't a replacement for things that are as natural as the sun coming up in the morning. it's alright to be sad sometimes. we're turning the ideal into the expected norm and reality into a disorder. we can't all be happy, well-adjusted people all the time. and if we were, we wouldn't have so many other people telling us how to be happy, well-adjusted people when the very last thing THEY are is happy, well-adjusted people. it's not about finding what's wrong with yourself all the time. sometimes it's about making the best out of the circumstances, dealing with what it is and trucking forward instead of blaming it on some disease.

on a totally unrelated note, i've been thinking about family again. i realized that i always had a sort of image of my future family... i mean, except for my husband, of course. but more and more, i can't see the little five-year-old faces of my kids coming home from school. i don't see the baby's sleeping face in the crib after putting them down to sleep for the night. instead, what i keep getting is feelings and actions... the shared fun of reading a bedtime story together, the excitement when they lose their first tooth... the anxiety and pride of dropping them off at the first day of pre-k... that heart-bursting love you feel watching them sleep. then i see me doing all that stereotypical mom stuff... big spaghetti dinners, lmao, planning trips to the Bronx Zoo and the Museum of Natural History... stuff like that. i used to be able to see their faces, though.. actually, i had one boy's face in my mind. he was like... my mother's complexion, kinda light-skinned... big brown doe eyes, glasses, and big, wavy dark brown hair that i'd probably have to learn how to braid =/ oorrrrr, yknow, pull it back in a ponytail, lol. but that face is getting fuzzy... i don't see it as much. i never saw a girl's face, which is a little bit frightening... but only a little. you know who has some pretty daughters, though?

peace.

vivalavida.

2008-08-27T15:07:00.001-05:00

woooorrrddd.

so i'm back in STL. yup yup. i got all situated into my room and such, which is cool, i'm loving the setup thus far. i' still a little shaky on what's gonna happen when this negro comes up here to visit for his spring break. i don't even know if he'll make it up here... well, let's think happy thoughts, right? =/ any-old-ways, life with my new suitemates has been cool... no problems. we had a candy fight last night, lmaooo. uhhh... yeah. life's good.

oh, so Kevin's been on a complete loveyish overhaul, which i find cute, sweet, and amusing all at once. i mean, it's nice that he's seen what i was upset about and has been making attempts to rectify the situation, but i feel like we shouldn't technically have these problems to begin with.... ah, well... i mean, everyone has their situations, right? i think i'd be more worried if we never had problems. besides, we're like the weird-ish couple, y'know? our conversation last night was basically a brief description of each of our days and then we went into cussing each other out for a while. then we hung up to take a shower, got back on the phone and went to sleep... after more cursing, lol. whateverrrrrr, negrooooooo.

i still gotta buy my books. [yawns] i don't feel like it... but dad said he'd pay for half and it's only looking like i'll be paying $300 total, so that's not TOO bad. it could always be better, though, like FREEEEE, but that's whatever. it is what it is, right?

my stomach is fucking upppppp.

oh, and i'm hungry. i think i'mma hit up subway's and get me a big ol' sweet onion teriyaki sammidge before my 5:30 class. i'm trying to stay on main campus instead of going allllll the way back to my room and then alllll the way back to class. man, i got four classes in the same building on the same day. i mean, i'm not complaining, but it was a little mystifying. oh, i can't be in Culture, Language, and the Education of Black Students, which suuccckkksss, but now i'm supposed to be taking Teaching Reading in the Elementary School instead, which would be cool because that class doesn't have a final (which probably means i have to write a paper, blaaaahh). i'm a little nervous, though, because we'll have to teach one-on-one with a child and also learn to teach ina group setting. now, i'm usually pretty okay with working with little kids, i just don't know if i'm good enough at it for a grade, lol. meh.

ugh, i still gotta kill two hours. alright, i'mma feed myself before this Tylenol and water goes crazy in my tummy.

peace.

homecoming.

2008-08-22T01:13:00.002-05:00

he's in the hospital again. what else is new? and the way i had to find out? like, damn, homeboy.

uhm. my skin is freaking out on me, breaking out something fierce. thank gooseness for home remedies, yessir. it may or may not work, though, we'll see how it goes.

spent the day with Tymel at Mama Gross's house. ate way more than i should've. had mad fun. the train ride was stupendously long, though. harlem to far rockaway on the A train? shiiiiit.

Vahvielle came out with a new song, lifeboat. amazing stuff. if i wasn't saving MP3 player juice for tomorrow, i'd be listening to it to go to bed... matter-of-fact... i might just rig it up so it can charge and i can listen at the same time. meh.

tomorrow is my last-minute time... getting my wash and set, maybe getting my eyebrows shaped up by the dominicans, though they always make me mad because they wanna make my eyebrows these little lines. ew, no. get a new laundry cart... do laundry... ship my blender... pack. [sighs] no sleep for me tomorrow, i'll probably be in bed at like... 3 or 4 am. geesh.

man, fuck am i even blogging for? i'm tired. mildly aggravated? nah, lol. my computer's starting to bore me, though.

yeah, i think i'm dropping a cappella. they think i'm supposed to make them top priority and they're sadly mistaken. that group is pretty much last on my priorities. i love singing with them, but idk how it'll work into my life this year.

man, i'm a sophomore =/

peace.

oneeighty.

2008-08-20T12:54:00.000-05:00

"Hun I love you so much thanks for dealing with me an this mess I've been going through."
recv'd @ 10:45 am

the storm's over? idk. something i learned from developmental psych is that sometimes, those kids that you see running around, acting an ass and screaming and yelling don't need a beating (i mean, sometimes they DO)... sometimes they need you to put your arms around them and just hug them, even when they fight, and wait until they stop and start loving back. so maybe it's like that. who knows.

uhmm... i was gonna go to work with daddy today, but i changed my mind so i could sleep late. now that i'm here, i got like... responsibilities to clean and shit. LAAAAMMME. oh, i realized that i got yet another check... this lady from my church wrote me one for a hundred, but she didn't know my name, so she left it blank, lmaooooo. word... (writes my name in crayon).

i wnt new clothes. =/ yeah, again. i was on the Torrid website last night, looking at all this stuff i want... i want this corset top that is AMAZINGLY pretty... i have a shirt kinda like it, but all in black and this one is like... white, muted plaid, and black. hawtness, for REAL for real. plus belts? ugh, ut this whole school thing is KILLING me, though. tuition went up, room and board went up, student fees went up, meal plans went up and my scholarship stayed the same, whomp whomp. i work during the year, though, but... geez, man, can i catch a break?! i already have to spnd Godforsaken amounts of money on books and money for my campus card. daddy said "don't worry about it"... but that's because he's always got faith that financial situation are going to be alright. me and my stepmom flip out over stuff like that (her moreso than me) but he's always like, "it'll be fine". BAAAAHHH, man, ut so much needs to be done. thankfully, i'm getting my psych stats book for cheap because my friend Audrey is selling her brand new copy for $25 less than the bookstore's used price. she said it's only been opened twice, so that's a good deal. and to absorb some of these expenses, i'm cutting back on my internet shopping this year (somewhat) and selling my old textbooks, specifically the psych and the French one. i'm letting the French book go for between 50 and 65, which isn't that bad, i think... the psych book is definitely going to be about 75 since it's in excellent condition. bah, i don't like money, but it calms my nerves.

uhm... think i'mma clean now. or something. =/

peace.

yeahsowhat.

2008-08-18T21:48:00.002-05:00

"she got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
that she calls friends"

ooooh, so GUESS who got paid today? BIG BUCKS, TOO, SON! my last check from my summer job came in, which is great because now i know i'll have money on hand for when i need school supplies and need to ship my blender and coffee-maker to school. eesh. yeah, but i'm SO ready to go back to school. between my back and forthness with kevin, my boredness with nyc right now, and the fact that i'm sick of tired of sitting around doing nothing.... i could TOTALLY go for being back in Missouri. it's a little weird, though - i still got MAJOR stuff to do this week....

tomorrow - deposit my two paychecks. go see my grandmother at her house early. come back and go to the NAN to chill with Marshay until daddy or kim come to pick us up to go to dinner at the chinese buffet with them, my aunt, and my cousin.
wednesday - go to work with my dad. talk to the cute worker at the Den. hopefully purge or clean my room or the bathroom.
thursday - go to Mama Gross's house to pig out on food with Tymel. go to revival. clean?
friday - pack. do laundry. send my blender and coffee maker to WashU(?). whatever else i forgot.
saturday - GO TO WASHU! :D

yeah, that's what it's looking like.

"but it's cool, it could be better
i don't care, whatever"

uhmm... kevin's not going to hear any calls, text messages, or IMs from me. no reason in hitting up someone who doesn't wanna hit me up. i'm going to give him some time to settle himself in 'Bama, but honestly, without communication, there IS no relationship, so after a while i'mma be like... "uhmm... so, call me and let me know what's up with up with our relationship... like, are we still going out, are we friends?" because, although i honestly love him and i have him to thank for reminding me of what an amazing person i am.... i can't sit here putting out all this time and energy for someone who's not going to return it. that's just foolish. and he's ADMITTED that there's a lack of cmmunication and that he needs to make time for us... SO DO IT. that's the only thing i'm pissed about... if you KNOW that you need to make time to talk to me and such, then DO it instead of just feeling guilty. either that or let us go. [ sighs ] and i know how i work - if i'm not getting attention from him, then i'm gonna go find someone who WILL pay me attention. i'm not talking in a slutty type of way or anything, but like.... if he's not talking to me, then chances are i'm going to find someone else to hold a conversation with. like the dude at the Den today... now, he was cute and all, had some cool tastes in music, good conversation and whatnot... i think he's from Harlem, too... and that was cool because i was just talking. i like being able to talk about stuff with people, to tell stupid jokes, to rant and vent, to listen to problems, to trade ideas. and, as my boyfriend, i feel like we should be doing that. but if we're not, then idk. he's clearly occupied with other things, but damn, not a good morning? not a hey, are you alive? then there's a problem. who knows how all this will end up.

"she will and she can
find a man who knows her worth"

peace.

worldkeepsonspinning.

2008-08-16T18:58:00.003-05:00

so after all that back and forth shit between me and Kevin, i never saw him before he left... so, whomp whomp. he didn't get his chain and i didn't get my sneakers. go figure. i'mma ask him about them later. so an-t-way, he's all in Alabama and stuff, got his room, already going out to a bar on some "i just wanna know what's off campus" stuff. yeah, okay, homeboy. i forbid drunk dialing or drunk texting, though, my phone will go off faster than you can say pina colada. homie don't play that...

oh, so this girl i went to middle school/high school with called me up asking if i could lend her an MP3 player since she was going to Canada and wanted some music to listen to. she said she'd mail it back to me when she was done. now i don't really have a problem with lending things to people, but i SINCERELY cannot part with my MP3 player... i don't go much of anywhere without it. like, if i go to the store, i take it with me. it's not a game. buuuuutt, i did remember that i still had one of my old, half-broken ones in my dresser somewhere, so i figured i'd give it fresh batteries, assess the damage, put new music on it, and let her have it. so i buy the batteries and surprise, surprise, it works. and by now, she's sent me a list of the music she likes for me to put on the player. so i genuinely made an effort... but this piece of technology was NOT cooperating, so i just told her i couldn't get it to work right. she asked if i had anything else i could give her and i WAS gonna lie and be like nah, i ain't got anything else, but i told her that i don't give up my main MP3 player for anything. so yeah, that was that.

i took my laptop to Best Buy to get my B button fixed, but they told me i had to buy a new laptop keyboard from Dell for like 13-20 dollars, then bring it back and let them fix it for an additional 50 dollars. uhm.. fuckouttahere? nah, i'll just live without it, kthx.

nothing else really.. been into my RP site, Vaughn-Hayden University for a good minute now, making graphiccs and whatnot. which reminds me, i need to make this 100th anniversary logo for my father..

peace.

hodgepodge.

2008-08-14T11:53:00.002-05:00

yesterday was fuuuuuuun :] i mean, except for someone still catching an attitude with me, but right about now, that's whatever to me. so i woke up around 11-ish and lounged around the house a lot... then i finally built up the care to go to the store and spent like twenty bucks on chicken, sausage, chicken broth, tomato paste, stewed tomatoes, onions, half-and-half, and sugar for gumbo (and for iced coffee). i cooked up my gumbo (which wasn't as awesome as the first two times i made it... delicious, but not my best) and then cleaned up... cleaned my room.. got dressed... and headed out the door to spend the rest of the night with Kimberly. so we went down to South Street Seaport to see all the friends she made when she was working security at the docks. chilled with them for a while, then took the water taxi over to Brooklyn and went in that new "park" they got that looks over those manmade waterfalls, which is SUPER WACK, i mean, there's a little stand to eat at and some tables and pockets of grass, but honestly, unless you're with friends, there's nothing to do. but anyway, there was an ice cream shop over there, so we got milkshakes and went to the little park. there were two dudes working security there and the puertorican one motioned to me like to say "where mine?" and that just snowballed into us staying with the security and cracking jokes the whole time. it was.... Pete and Lamont, that was their names. maaaddd cool peoples. Lamont was doing Sudoku and was getting mad because Kimberly was figuring it out way faster than him, lol. it was a lot of fun, though. oh and after hanging out with Pete and Lamont, we went to this "asian fusion" restaurant because we wanted sushi.. OMG, the food was great... Kimberly got a sushi platter and i got unagi don, which is barrbequed eel and brown sushi rice. good stuff, especially since Kimberly let me have her wasabi and pickled ginger. it made the meal THAT much better. oh, and we split some crunchy fried calamari and then split two desserts - chocolate cake (with chocolate ice cream) and fried ice cream covered in coconut liquor and then lit on fire. i swear, though, not all of the alcohol in that coconut liquor burned off. you could taste it pretty strong, but it was GOOOD. i was happy. OH, so we get back to where Lamont and Pete were, right? and only Pete was there because Lamont went to the back of the park. Kimberly said she was gonna go see if we could take a boat back and i was gonna stay with Pete. so, i'd had my fake lip rings in all that day, one on either side of my bottom lip, and everyone had taken them for real, so i admitted to Pete that they were fake.

me: [ pulls them off ]
Pete: [ eyes go wide ] wow.
me: [ laughs ] yeah.
Pete: you know what, though? like... i've seen you with them in and with them out now... but even before you took them out, i'd made up my mind that you were prettier without them.
me: people say that about me and my glasses.
Pete: yeah, but those are nice, they fit your face.. with the lip rings it was like "really, TWO?"
me: [ laughs ]
Pete: lemme see you without your glasses, though.

but Kimberly was calling me, so i didn't get his full reaction to me without glasses, i just told him to say bye to Kimber on the phone and ran to catch up with her. then we sorta hijacked a water taxi back, lmaoo, nah, Kimberly just knew the people who were running the taxi on special for some wedding party and got us a ride back to Manhattan. fun stuff, having a boat all to ourselves. then we listened to a street performer play "Wonderwall" by Oasis, gave him a dollar. and then we went home, lol.

so after not speaking to him for 24 hours, i decided i'd try to call him. no answer. alright, yadda yadda, i go about the rest of my night. he hits me up on AIM about midnight, acting real normal at first until i asked him how he was feeling. then he went into this whole thing about how he didn't have the cash to get to Miles and ladeedadeeda... so i'm trying to give him suggestions and all he's doing is getting madder [ rolls eyes ] i told him get a loan and he dismissed the idea. i told him that if worst comes to worst, he could start spring semester, which he nearly blew a fuse about. so i told him to call the school an ask them for help, tell them his situation and everything since they'd probably be more than happy to help him out. but he's on this "i can do it on my own" kick... a'right, fine. [ holds up hands ] i plead no contest. i tried my best, y'know? if you wanna take it upon yourself to put the entire burden on yourself, i can't stop you, can i? he MGHT be coming to NY tomorrow, but idk yet.

anyway, today i'm supposed to meet Khalid down at his job so we can go to dinner. i haven't seen him pretty much all summer, so this'll be nice. he's always fun to be around and we have really good conversations. i mean, i kinda missed being around Khalid all the time like we did in high school, but, that's the way everything goes.

okay, i'mma go choose between my gumbo and the lasagna my daddy made for lunch.

peace.

areyouserious?

2008-08-12T20:08:00.001-05:00

after i spent MY hard-earned money on this negro... he catches an attitude because i wanna make sure i can see him again before he leaves so i won't have to wait until Christmas. yeah, okay. catch your attitude because of what OTHER PEOPLE did and take it out on me. i refuse to be your emotional punching bag, so you know where to find me if/when you decide to stop acting like i did something to you because i SURELY didn't.

i don't even feel like saying anything else.

peace.

chillinoutmaxinrelaxinallcool.

2008-08-11T15:13:00.000-05:00

so today is my first week with absolutely no work... and what happened? i woke up at 7 am, that's what happened... got woke up again by a phone call at like almost 10 am... so i finally get up at about... oh, 11 am. i'm thinking i'mma be relaxing today since i got a whole lot to do tomorrow... WRONG. it started raining and for some no good reason, all the water in the world decided to fall in sheets down my screen window. so, me being rational, i close the window BUT the window doesn't close all the way, so i'm stuck with water just pouring into my room. so i grab the three towels in my room and attempt to stop it, which worked, but now i have godawful amounts of laundry to do tomorrow. here's what tomorrow is looking like.

wake up at about 7 or 8 am. get my laundry together plus MAYBE my linen, if i don't decide to do it next week before i leave.
go out to Bank of America on 125th. pick up my temporary debit card, since i lost my old one and my new one's in the mail.
withdraw money.
come home, do laundry, and put it away. hopefully be done with all of this by noon.
go back out to 125th street to buy Kevin a going-away gift with Jaynina... and maybe a card for him, too.
go to Rite Aid or Duane Reade and pick up some stuff.
either get my eyebrows done or do 'em myself.
come home, clean the bathroom... or my room.

whirlwind, much? yeah.

oh, so Wednesday is the last day i'll see Kevin. oooohh, boy [pouts] i'mma miss him a lot. i mean, i leave soon, too, but still... distance is a bitch relationship wise. like, dead serious, i had people tell me to not even waste my time by TALKING to him... friends AND family. they were like "nah, it's too far, it won't last, there's no point, he could be seeing someone behind your back" yadda yadda yadda. well, we made seven months today, didnt we? i know, seven months realy isn't that long, but hey... it's something.

i'm supposed to call Tynaia to talk to her since i ust saw her again after like... almost two years? yeah, but her phone was still off last time i called and besides, she said she was gonna give my number to her cousin aka one of my ex's.... how about no? i really don't feel like dealing with Isaiah and his mess again. i'm in a solid relatioship and i honestly don't feel like talking to him AT ALL.

i've been getting really into this whole thing about developmental psychology. i bought a book called "the boy who was raised as a dog" about a week ago and i'm halfway through it. it's amazing, talking about how environment can affect children, how something as simple as not talking to your baby or not being affectionate or not responding to their cries on a timely matter can have, if repeated, a seriously detrimental effect on that child's life later on. now i'm watching "brain child" on National Geographic about child geniuses and how early brain-stimulating games can have profound effects on their IQ and ability to learn after they hit about 15 months, if you start really early. i'm thinking about all this in the context of my idea of my future with my family. let's say i have a son first (since i'm planning a maximum of three kids... though i'd still like to keep it at one) and i go on maternity leave from my job. that means about three months to a half a year off the job, maybe one month leading up to the birth and then two - five months just for caring for my baby. within that critical period, not only talking to my son, but talking in complete sentences, playing games, repetition of songs and stories, smiling, holding, everything we see as normal for a mother-baby reltionship, makes all the difference in my child's mental foundation. i have to admit, though - it would be kind of cool to have a gifted kid like the ones on this NatGeo show. there was this two-year-old who learned how to read in two weeks. He just asked his mom to read him a book out loud, pointing at each of the words as she read every day for a week. then he did it again with another book for another week. after that, he knew how to read and never wanted to be read to again. it's really cool. then again, stuff like that can become a burden on top of being a blessing. if you start as a prodigy, people expect these amazing things from you for the rest of your life. and what if you can't live up to it? and you don't wanna be exploited and it's hard to be tha parent, making sure that they're always stimulated and kept busy... it's a mess. it's hard enough just being considered "smarter", but to be considered "gifted" is a whole other ballgame. ehhh. that's why i leave all the guesswork with these things up to God.

uhmm... i think i'm finished with all of my school shopping, but i still want another bra or two and maybe some new shoes... but probably not. who knows we'll see when i get this next check in. oh boy, i need to order my textbooks and buy school supplies, too.. i'll see if i can strike a deal with my parents - if i buy all the school supplies, then they can buy my books. i dropped my Harlem Renaissance class today because it had lke 15 books listed for the curriculum... i'l pass. now i just need to get the rest of the books. i'm REALLY looking forward to Culture, Language, and the Education of the Black Student, if i ever get into it. we're even supposed to be reading "PUSH", which is gonna be fun, since i haven't read that book since 8th grade or so.

uhm... i don't think i'm gonna pledge =[ MAYBE. idk yet.

i still think i'm gonna drop the A-Cats. they stressed me out last year and i'm not about to go through that again, especially since they're not the be all and end all of my school career. i need to make sure my academics are on point with this daggone 18 credits i'm taking. i need to up my GPA these next two semesters. bah.

peace.

musiclovelife.

2008-08-09T22:15:00.001-05:00

hey y'all.

before i dive into my ramblings, i GOTTA plug for my girl. she's starting to go into the music realm and if you want a sample.... well, turn down your music and un-pause my singingbox music player and you'll be hearing "highLIFE" by Vahvielle. she's also in my links, so you can go to her blog and download the song, plus other songs, or visit her myspace and friend her. what do i think? well, i just heard "highLIFE" today, not knowing that she sang or played guitar and i was blown away. i absolutely love this song. i feel like it can go to any situation, any feeling, really, and just melt into how your emotions are. it reminds me of Corinne Bailey Rae, but... not quite so much.. there's something else in her music that doesn't make me feel like she's a CBR rip-off. it's the sincerity of the music - trust me, this girl's music comes straight from the soul. i advise you check her out, especially if you're one of the millions that's been sick and tired of the flat, meaningless mainstream music.

http://vahvielle.blogspot.com
http://myspace.com/vahvielle

she's coming out with her new album, "the pre-regression EP" soon, so i'll be on the look-out and so should you.

[/end plug]

sooo, i finally re-did my layout, thanks to TREMENDOUS amounts of help from Chelsie :) good looking out, bew. [edit] YES, i got the idea off of Drey before anyone goes yelling their little heads off [/edit] the picture, if you can read the caption-y thing on it, is me and joey on tuesday. he's an amazing little kid, even though he gets on my last nerves a lot of the time. i absolutely love him and i already miss him sooooo much. i miss zoe and shirell, too... they were my favorites, but shhhh, don't tell the other kids, lol.

i went to Paramus today... again, lol, but this time i went alone. it's the first time i've gone to Jersey alone. i got there damn early, too... like 11 am. Kevin said he had to get to work at like 3 pm, so blahhh, i was there early. we saw The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor which was decent, but both of us ended up falling asleep towards the end, lol. then we went to this park... now, when he said "we're going to the park", i thought he meant like... grass, trees, benches.... naaahhh, we went to a playground and toddler playground at that, lmaoooo. it was cute though. we were talking while sitting on the bench, but he kept getting sidetracked by phonecalls [sigh] he tried to make up for it, though, by messing with me whenever he WAS on the phone. even tried referring to me as his "soon-to-be-wife" while on the phone with someone. we'll see, homeboy.. we'll see. it was cool, though he had a few comments where i was like =/...

him: what'd you have for breakfast?
me: [holds up water bottle]
him: ...that's IT?! [stops short, looks @ me completely serious] you hungry, baby?
me: [busts out laughing]
him: no, seriously, you hungry?
me: nah, i'm good, i'm not hungry.
him: you on a new diet or some shit?
me: >:[ NO.
him: oh... okay. well, you gonna eat something after the movie.

ugh. i still declined eating afterwards... i really WASN'T hungry... plus i didn't feel like spending his money like that... i always feel guilty for spending other peoples' money =/ speaking of other peoples' money, he supposed to bring me my sneakers on Wednesday... [sighs] he leaves on Saturdaaaaaayyyyyyy. UGHHHHH, what am i gonna do... besides text and call him all the time, lol. well. i survived being in a relationship with him when i was in MO and he was in PA/NJ, so i can survive me in NY and him in AL for a week and then me in MO and him in AL for a few months.... it shouldn't be too bad. plus, we've been planning for him to come up for his spring break and spend about a week with me, so that'll be fun... or horrible, lol. Kevin for 24/7 for a week? WHILE i'm in class? OH BOY. he told me that i'm not going to class or sleeping that week. pfffft, you wish homeboy. i'll stay up a little later for you, buuuuuttt i'mma be in class normally and sleeping like a baby, trust and believe. i'll cook him some food and hope that'll shut him up for a while, lol. ugh... it's gonna be hard, though... between classes, sleeping, rehearsals, being a co-director... ugh... life just got harder. i think i'm going to have to drop being in the Aristocats because being a co-director for Visions is going to be a serious time commitment and i don't know if i can handle 15-18 credits, plus Visions, plus the A-Cats, plus work, plus a social life? and cooking? UGH. and then when Kevin gets there, it'll be even worse. i'll decide over the next few weeks... maybe try it out and then figure out based on the trial period.

okay i've talked long enough. time for a shower, some tylenol, an ice cream sandwich, and some iced tea. yum.

peace.

andanotherone.

2008-08-06T19:35:00.000-05:00

Auto Response from "Kevin": I know that times are changing, but I will never change. For you my love is ever lasting. For you I will always be there no matter how far or how long you are from me. I will be there. When you think your walking alone im right by your side.

peace.

justforyou.

2008-08-02T23:27:00.002-05:00

oooooh, boy, so today was awesomely amazing? let's start from the beginning...

so, this morning my daddy had to preach out in Queens, which was cool since i thought we'd be out by 1. but daaaaamn, it started POURING outside... dad did good though, did a 90-second sermon, lmaooo. we were out by 1:30. dad drove me to Kimberly's house and we took a cab to the George Washington Bridge bus terminal. took the ride out to Paramus and the Garden State Mall. AHHHH it's my new avorite mall, screw Jersey Gardens. first of all, it's cheaper to get there ($3.40 one-way) and second of all, it has a Torrid. AHHHH. let me say that i LOVE Torrid. they had an underwear sale, 3/$21, so i dropped about $40 on six pairs... which makes 12 pairs bought in two days? don't judge me... they have a Hot Topic, too, but what mall DOESN'T have a Hot Topic nowadays? oh, i got the "My Boyfriend is a Super Hero" t-shirt now, it's OOOOVVVERRRRRRR, SON! ahem. yeah, i got a pair of earrings and these big silver bangles that keep threatening to fall of my arm from Lane Bryant. pretty thhiiiinnngggs.

oh, so Kimberly and i were waiting for Kevin at the food court where he said he was going, but he didn't show up for a good minute. so i texted him and tried to find out where he was and he was like "oh my bad, i'm at Finishline... what size shoe do you wear please?" LMAO. so i told him and when he DOES get there... come to find out that this negro dropped $200 to buy me some kicks.

him: i ordered them, so they're gonna come in about five or six days ^_^
me: =/ you spent... $200.... on a pair of sneakers for me?
him: NO. i bought you TWO pairs of sneakers :D!
me: =/

dude, i don't even drop that much cash on MYSELF for shoes. bras and panties, sure, but SHOES? if i'm spending $200 on shoes, that means i'm getting at least four or five pairs. i think i stared at him for three minutes, stuck on stupid that he really just spent that much money on me. oh boy. to make up for it, i bought him an Austin Powers 3-DVD boxed set. it was NOWHERE near as expensive, but i know he really likes Austin Powers, so when i saw it, i snatched it up and got it for him. i came close to meeting his mom, but he thought to hold off on it for now because his mom is, to quote him, "a free spirit".... whatever that means. my parents were mad that they didn't see Kevin for five months, i'm surprised that it's different the other way around... eh, well parents will be parents, i guess.

when Kimberly and i got back to NYC, we took this yellow cab to get back home.. if this dude didn't drive like Cerberus was after his ass... i swear, i prayed the whole trip... had my eyes closed for half of it, especially when i had to be in that cab by myself. oh, and here comes the thing that pissed me off... as he pulls closer to my block he asks if we were waiting for the bus when he pulled up... i'm like, nah. so he asks what buses are over there and i mention one or two. so i paid him and got out the car and he goes WAIT! so i'm like =/ uhh yeah? he's like "how old are you?" and without batting an eyelash, i said "fourteen", then smiled and walked away. his jaw hit the floor. it was classic.

anyway, i'm tired and i'm pretty sure my babylove is gonna call me soon. g'night, y'all.

peace.

perfection.

2008-07-31T18:15:00.002-05:00

so, i had to have a talk with one of the kids i work with today... she got into a fight and the fight broke down into her crying about some stuff her cousin had said to her the night before about her weight and such. so Javon was like "can you talk to her? because i'm tryna give her that perspective since i'm heavyset, too, but i don't think i'm getting through since i'm a guy". i was like... yeah, okay. so we're talking and she was like, her cousin told her that it was embarassing to be out with her because a young lady shouldn't be that size - having a bigger shoe size than her mother and whatnot. maaaan, it was like... damn near deja vu. now, Brittany's a really pretty little girl with these big cheeks and giant brown eyes and big, pretty smile. she's adorable. but she was crying really hard and i felt really bad because i know what that's like. she was like, my cousin is older, they know better... pfft, her cousin wasn't but a few months older thanher. i was like, do YOU feel embarassed? do YOU think other people are embarassed to be around you? and she said no. i was like, do YOU like how you are? do YOU think you're pretty? and she said yeah. i was like, well that's all that matters, then. they don't know what they're saying, you're a beautiful girl and if you're happy, then that's what counts. shit, i almost made myself cry talking to her.

that's a hard place to be. i mean, i was almost as tall as my mom when i wasn't too much older than her. had bigger feet than my mom, too. and when you're tall and heavyset, it just makes it too easy for people to make you feel bad. and i mean, there's honestly fat jokes everywhere in EVERYTHING, so it's not like you got too many examples to be like, "that's not true, look at ______" because even Tocarra took herself to Celebrity Fit Club and Fat Joe's looking slimmer these days (check the difference between him now and about 5+ years ago). you really can't escape it. last time i was out with Kevin, this girl gave me this really nasty stinkface like "wtf is he doing with HER?". i swear, i've never wanted to slap a stranger in the mouth so much in my life. and Kevin said the complete WRONG thing like "aww, baby, she's just jealous, she want what you got".... uhh, NOT the damn point, glad you found an opportunity to toot your own horn, but it doesn't stop me from feeling some type of way about it. he doesn't get it, because although he's always on this "i don't care what size you are" thing, he may not be looking at it, but everyone else is. and yeah, i know the deal, "if you wanna lose the weight, then buckle down and do it". but i DO feel like i deserve enough respect to have people not look at me like i deserve less because of my size.

moving right along...

i got paid today :D my check's a bit short, though, because i didn't get a chance to add a day onto my last time sheet, so i need to rectify that immediately so i can get my money. i'm also trying to see how much of my wishlist i can get purchased before i go back to WashU and then how much i'll have leftover to buy the other stuff from Torrid that i want.

i'm procrastinating from cleaning the bathroom -_-"

okay, lemme change into my cleaning clothes and get this done so i can go back to being lazy.

peace.

lookingin.

2008-07-30T18:49:00.003-05:00

i've spent a lot of time wishing i was more like my mother, rather than like my father. everyone compares me to him for everything, from how much i like to sing, to my tendency to be the center of attention, to my love for working with children, to my sense of humor. all of it goes back to my dad. in fact, my dad and i were like.. best friends for a while. we went everywhere together - singing gigs, his preaching engagements, book shopping, out to dinner, just out for drives, talks.. we were amazingly close. part of that was because it became painfully clear to us that we only had each other left. he'd lost both of his parents, i'd lost my mother and maternal grandfather (who was 1/3 of the dream team that had mainly raised me up until age eight) and i don't have any brothers or sisters... it was really just me and him. so we kinda HAD to be close... we didn't wanna lose each other. i feel like i HAVE lost him in a way, though. i'm very glad he got remarried, and this is no slight against my stepmother whatsoever.. but he's really more concerned about spending time with her than spending time with me now. i've been practically begging him for time for us to be together and the answer has gone from "soon" to "i'm just busy" to sometimes "stop bothering me". man... it hurts. i used to brag about him and how we were hangout partners and such... now? now we don't even go anywhere just the two of us. we talk every now and then, but most of the time i have to come to him. he comes to me now and then, but... i don't know. i really wish i could get him back...

but this isn't about me and him. this is about me and my mother. my birth mother. do you know what it's like to reach for a memory of someone and realize that you can't clearly see their face in your mind anymore? that the only way you get a crystal shot of what they look like is from pictures? it's like being sucker punched in the chest. and on top of that guilt is the guilt that i'm not like her enough. my mother was really neat. i can't keep my room clean for a week. my mom was REALLY pretty. i do't know aout myself... i'm not gonna beat myself up over my looks, but i don't think i live up to her looks at all. i don't act like her enough and, worst of all, i never got to know her as a person. i only got to know her a a mother. had she lived, i would've been just recently learning about who she was as a woman, as a human being, not just as my mother. i remember that her favorite color was yellow and that she loved The Beatles, but... i don't remember anything else. i can't. i can't think of too many specific moments with her... i remember some, but they don't feel like enough.

today, my godmother said i looked like her... sent me two photos... one of me right before my prom with make up on... and one of my mother with makeup on sometime before i was born... and she's right... but i don't feel like it's enough. i don't know... i just want to be able to be someone like my mother. i want to be able to talk to someone about this and actually know they understand or that they're trying to and not just staring at me helplessly.

i want my mommy :(

peace.

tooearly.

2008-07-28T08:49:00.006-05:00

i'm almost always the therapist, y'know? not complaining, just stating the facts - i'm the therapist. it's what i do. when my friends have problems, i'm the one to hear them. moreover, i WANT to hear them. i like sitting down with people, and taking an edge of their tangled jumprope and slowly helping them straighten it out. even if it doesn't get completely straightened out, there's some progress, or they get to see a way that they could fix it, or they see that this whole tangle isn't something to give up on. i enjoy being that person. i had to do it yesterday for Mandi. Mandi's a complete sweetheart, really nice person with a big heart, i can tell that, but she's guarded and wary and ready to fight. she's scarred, just like anyone else, but she handles it differently. so yesterday, she was completely upset over finding 96 unread text messages from two girls in her boyfriend's phone. shiiiit, man... that's some other stuff. she said call her last night, buit when i did, i didn't get her. ah, well. we'll talk the next time i see her. i hope she ain't fought nobody by then.

now, this morning, Kevin's on some other stuff, too. just.... MAD. and i can tell it's not at me because i ain't done shit, so it's gotta be at someone else or some other situation. his problem is that he thinks he can handle all his shit by himself without opening up to anyone. pffft, i JUST got a text from him like "i can take care of this myself". me? yeah, i'll harbor some things, but after a while, i either let it go or i get it off my chest. i'm not one for holding grudges, honestly. i used to be, but it was counterproductive. i swear, i remember the day i couldn't hold grudges anymore. i was mad at my stepmother... like STEAMING mad. and i was at my desk, being mad and feeling horrible and it was like someone turned on a faucet in my back and all the anger just drained out of me... like my body was physically tired of being mad and just let go. it took me by surprise so much that i was too busy being surprised to be mad. my mind couldn't grip onto a mad thought... idk. it was shocking, but very relaxing. anger uses up a lot of energy, energy that could be better used on other things rather than being pissed at someone who isn't even giving me a second thought. i know he's trying to be strong and whatever, but everybody needs a somebody when they're going through.

speaking of going through.. this is gonna sound weird, but i've felt like God isn't talking to me anymore. not at all like He's turned His back on me or anything, just... i don't know. i feel like i should be hearing from Him more. i'm thinking that maybe i'm just not listening and that's why i don't hear Him. sunday after sunday, though, many of the other people at my church get prophecized to (not really prophecized to, though... more like God speaking through the preacher to give them counsel on their current situation) and nothing happens with me. i feel it, yes. i've been trying to make sure that i take it all more seriously. i used to feel the temptation to text in church, so now i turn my phone off before service. i try to make sure i listen and take part in service. the worst i think i do now is that i like to watch Bryan when Ms. Short lets me. i usually end up preoccupied with him until he falls asleep on me. i guess i should be doing better... personal devotional time, bible study alone, listening to more gospel to set the tone of my day, cutting back on my cursing, things like that. it has to be more about me showing that i really desire a better relationship with God rather than just complaining and then doing whatever it was that i was doing before.

uhm... as for trivial things... i bought myself some clear nail polish at Rite Aid when we were coming out of the buffet yesterday. figured that if i'm gonna start being this new person, then i gotta really commit to that, too. i'm trying to work on budgeting out all the new clothes i want.. currently, the wishlist is this...

a black vest - preferably one with buttons, not the pull-over sweater dealie. i want it to be that cute kind of thing that i could wear with a nice shortsleeve or 3/4 sleeve white button-up and jeans.... and pumps, lmao.
new PJs - it would really just be some new wifebeaters and some sleeper shorts or boxers... i'm leaning towards sleeper shorts because i already have my Ralph Lauren boxers and a pair of Calvin Kliens, so that should be good enough). i'm going to try to hit up Torrid before the end of the summer at the Garden State Mall (if Kimberly ever decides to answer her phone), which'll take care of some of that.
new jeans - i have to either hit up Steve and Barry's for some more $7 jeans (don't hate... they're scrumdiddlyumptious and cheap. in YOUR face) or i'll have to really try to stick with this whole drop a few pounds before school thing. either way...
more shoes - okay, this part is debatable... i certainly have enough pairs of shoes, but... y'know. you can never have enough :D
undergarments - yeah, it's time to re-up. besides, Lane Bryant has this REALLY cute bra that i'm about to be all over... it's here. very nice, albeit expensive-ish. it'll be worth it, though, because you canNOT tell me that's not adorable, especially since i love plunge bras rather than full coverage bras. they're just better to me. with a pair of black cheekys, too? pfffft, that's the biz. (google cheekys if you don't know what they are... simply cute).
t-shirts - yeah, we all know by now that i'm the tee junkie... but i REALLY want some... there's one from Hot Topic that says "My Boyfriend is a Superhero", one that says "Go ♥ Your Own City" and one that says "Rap - Lies = Hip Hop"

yeah, that's about all of my wishlist, though. i've already got my hoodie, so i'm good on that. altogether, it'll probably run me a couple hundred... i'm going to TRY to cap it at $400, but... ehhh. $100 would be the bra and a vest. yeah, let THAT marinate. plus, there's the idea of ordering online versus going to the store, so i'd have to count the costs of getting to the store against shipping costs and wait time. ehhh.

if i DO go to the movies today (still debatable due to the rain), then i'm not gonna be home til about 11... egh. i ain't even sleep last night until somewhere near 2 am because i'm a loser, lol. oh, btw, that UTI thing is pretty much gone now. yay for my body going back to normal. i brought my own lunch today.... oh, hell, i was supposed to stop at the ATM before work, but i was running late. aww, fudge. it'll work itself out.

peace.

reallythough?

2008-07-27T18:14:00.002-05:00

so today was nice, even though it rained. lol, i looked MAADD cute, i don't care what anyone says. i was KILLING those pumps. anyoldways, Jason did his trial sermon today. it was alright... he had me lost with his effin' "ode to the haters" when he started, smh... shanay said they might as well have given him a 40 ounce and let him pour out for his dead homies, too, lol. then dad took Kim, me, Shanay, and Christian out to eat atthe chinese buffet. yum. i miss that eel sushi already =[

oh, did i mention how effin' TRIFLIN' people can be? my little... well, let's see i ain't calling her my godsister anymore because idk what exactly she is. my used-to-be little godsister is ... there ain't no words for her. this chick has been sniffing up all around my ex-boyfriend's dick since before we even broke up. UGH. but anyway... when i confronted her, she was all "nah, it's not like that, we not even really cool like that yadda yadda yadda". but people forget that myspace tells you the recent activity of ALL your friends now... hmmm... so when she got a picture album of just his pictures all up, got him all on her page as her "brother" and ish... oh, screw that, they just two emo-ass people together enjoying someone else feeling sorry for them whenever they need it. whatever. she knows he's a pathological liar, she can go ahead and deal with him like she's been doing for the last year. she'll learn. she just needs to learn some etiquette and such.

onto better topics...

IT BETTER NOT RAIN TOMORROW! shiiit, i got plans to go see Stepbrothers with Kevin, his i-can't-stand-the-rain ass. hmmph. if i know him, he'll back out tomorrow and reschedule for a day when it doesn't rain. [rolls eyes] whatever.

i was gonna blog some introspective stuff, but it might edit that in later.

for now, though...

peace.

bmorecareful.

2008-07-26T19:07:00.003-05:00

sooo... uhhh.. this is technically a continuation from last night? i didn't really sleep, more like dozed from 12:30 am to about 2:15 am when Kim came in my room like "you sleeping?" lmao, nah. i got up, got dressed and ready and we headed for the Port Authority. when we got there, all was good (even though i got bashed for asking for the wrong type of ticket from the lady) until we got to the us itself. the bus driver was mad nice, but they had overbooked the bus, so RIIIIGHT when it gets to us, the bus driver's like "there's only one more seat" so he lets on a single rider and pulls off. the bus we FINALLY get on? it was a guy who usually goes to Atlantic Coty, fresh outta Miami, speaking only half english. it MUST'VE been the grace of God that got us there because i slept the whole way and he got us there. so we went, got our hair done and all and came back. yo, Greyhound is killing me, though.. the bus back was one of those buses with the "new, more comfortable seats", but there was like NOOOOO room for my knees. yuck. oh, and did i tell you about the funny behind conversation between me and my stepmom?

her: you got your period?
me: uhhh....
her: it's either yes or no.
me: i mean... it's kinda yes... more like spotting, though.
her: oh. well, that's normal. there'll be some months when your period won't come at all... BUT IT BETTER NOT BE BECAUSE YOUR ASS IS PREGNANT >:O
me: O_O no, ewww.
her: oh. okay...... fix your face.

LMAOOOO. smh. uhhh... nah. i'm about to be 19, about to go into my sophomore year, working part-time nine months out of the year and full-time 3 months out of the year and STILL hitting my parents up for money some of the time. a baby would NOT be a good look right now. i wouldn't be able to handle it and the father probably wouldn't either... now i'm not saying he wouldn't own up or try his best to take care of the baby or be in the baby's life, but neither of us are in the position to handle something like that.

oh, and Kevin, what's good with all the cheating references? if i go to the movies, then i'm on a date... you making sly comments to me having some other boyfriend... is someone suspecting stuff? i surely hope not. negro knows i love him, hmmph. LMAO @ me looking at the word "sly" and thinking a misspelled "silly" lmao. LMAO, OH WAIT, I KNOW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT NOW LMFAOOOOOO HE'S DEAD WRONG. ahem... anyways...

i wanna write a story =/

ANYWHOOOOO... uhhmm... i'mma heat up my pasta, maybe cook up some italian sausage and cut it up into my pasta, chow down, and call that my night. oooor i could eat what my dad cooked and save that pasta for my lunch on Monday... eehhh.. whatever.

peace.

troublesleeping.

2008-07-25T23:55:00.004-05:00

it's a good thing i was planning on staying up anyway, because i don't think i'd be sleeping right now anyway. service out in the Bronx was extra fun, especially since it wasn't just me rapping for once. Ty and Don came and it was pretty amazing. we got hype because one of the local gospel rappers was doing mixtape songs... he did "Can't Tell Me Nothing", which got me hype because i'd written something to that, too. so when we DID go up, all three of us rapped, then we got to do two rounds of free verses later and then the same dude came BACK up, so we got real hyped and ran back up on stage and did another round, lol. good times.

Kim and I are headed for B-More in like.. 2 hours, lmao, so i'm staying up all night. gonna take a shower, talk to my baby, and wait for my alarm to go off in case i fall asleep.

i'll blog more when i get home tomorrow night, right now i hear the shower calling me.

peace.

ouch.

2008-07-24T23:49:00.000-05:00

sooo... i'm only blogging all late and ish because i had to do laundry. maaaaan, i swear that i HATE doing laundry, wordbond. especially the way i've been feeling today. like... i've had to pee all the time all day, lmao. TMI, i know but STILL... it's completely annoying. so, me being me, i googled the shit out of it, lol... came up with a UTI (urinary tract infection), but i don't feel like going to a doc, so i was gonna just binge on cranberry juice... so i went to tell my dad:

me: [sits down] so... after extensive googling, i think i might have a urinary tract infection.
dad: hmmm.
me: then again, i might be over-reacting.
dad: that's probably it, drink some cranberry juice and shut the hell up
me: [dies laughing]
dad: :D i know you're like "shit, you coulda told me that before i started googling!"

soooo, at flippin' 10:30 pm, i took my behind to Fine Fare and got some cranberry juice, got my father some seltzer water and whitegrape-cherry juice, and picked up two packages of italian sausage because it was on sale. i was gonna buy buns, too, but w/e. but really, this peeing thing is annoying.

onto other things besides my urethra...

anyway, i had this weird dream the other night that i neglected to talk about... i was in a train station with Lupe Fiasco (don't ask) and when we came out, we were in Moscow (or some other place in Russia) and it was snowing... it was falling softly, but the ground was frozen-ish and slushy. so we come out of the station with him holding my hand and leading me (because we had someplace to be, i guess) and i was trying not to sing "Paris, Tokyo" to myself. so i'm marvelling at the snow because it's June and trying to get Lupe to see how great it was, too, but he was too busy trying to get us where we needed to go. i was like "it's just like that Case song! 'like the snooooww coming down in Juuuuuuneee'!" and he's like, uh-huh, yeah, and just keeps leading me on these streets full of people. then i woke up, lol. i tried to tell Kevin and as SOON as i got to that it was snowing, he's like "you crackhead".... wtf. i told him i'm not sharing my dreams with him anymore and i'm dead serious. all of my dreams are really weird in one way or another and i REALLY don't need him making me feel worse about it.

we go to Mars 2112 with the kids tomorrow. YAY! i love that place... i think, lol. i haven't been there in a long time, not since i was a camper and i could only order off the kids' menu while all the counselors got cool frozen drinks and stuff.. UGH... anyways, it should be fun.

LMAO @ Tana and Eric. y'all are too funny.

time to hit the sheets.

peace.

ohboy.

2008-07-23T21:52:00.002-05:00

did i mention that he leaves in like... three and a half weeks? [pouts] i mean, i get messed up when he has to go back to NJ... Alabama? gawsh...

any old ways, my kids and i were supposed to go see the $1 movie at Magic Johnson theaters on 125th, but it was COMPLETELY sold out... every day camp in America went, geesh... so we splurged and we all went to see Wall-E :D!

Summer Movie Checklist:
~~Wanted~~
~~You Don't Mess With the Zohan~~
~~Hancock~~
The Dark Knight
~~Get Smart~~
Stepbrothers
~~Wall-E~~

hell YES. two more to go. hopefully, i'll see the last two on my checklist with Kevin. who knows, though. but yeah, Wall-E was pretty damn amazing. there were a lot of underlying messages that the kids didn't get that weren't lost on me. they daggone near ruined the movie for me, though... like... okay, if you see a GROUP of your classmates going to the bathroom and YOU have to go... shouldn't you join instead of WAITING for me to come back and saying you have to go? UGH... between that a certain group of kids annoying the mess outta me. i got free pizza, though, so i'm cool. oh, i also got to cash my two checks... well, i went to RiteCheck and got my government money, then deposited my first paycheck into my checking account. that way, i have cash now and cash later.

oh, so after we got back from the movies and the kids ate lunch, we took them up to the gym to play... so i stat playing basketball and what reward did i get for it? my glasses knocked off of my face and broken into three pieces. [sighs] so i walked around blind for a little bit until after work and then jetted to Lencrafters, since they had a sale going on. it was tough, though - i was still under the one-year warantee, but they also had that sale. so i decided to pick out my frames first before i chose. now... i wasn't looking to spend too much (the last time, i spent over $300 on my glasses, even though they should've been around $400-something) but, me being me, i fell in love with this pair of black Burberry frames. now, i really DID try to go around the store and find other frames.. and i did! i found a nice pair of DKNYs and a pair of... some other brand i can't remember. but i couldn't see myself walking away with any other pair except for those Burberrys. sooooo... i got 'em! lol. because of my one-year warantee, i got my glasses for $234.50, which isn't bad considering that the frames alone were $250. had i gone with their sale, i would've paid $340 and i didn't have that kind of cash on hand. i get to pick them up tomorrow. i can hear my camera clicking already.

what else... uhh... uhmm.. i've been working on not being so paranoid about him and focusing more on when we can be together before he leaves.

i have 24 ticket stubs for Wall-E in my pocket =/

i can't remember the last time i had a vegetable. damn. i need some. maybe i'll head to that tiny little juice bar near my house and get me a giant smoothie before work... i could always work on what i eat, too... i've been cutting down on my Pepsi intake. my goal is to make a serious impact on my dietary habits and my weight by January. i wanna hit up Torrid, David & Goliath, Hot Topic, and a few other choice stores so that i can re-up my wardrobe.

i've never imagined my future as a single parent. never in life. i mean, i was raised in a single-parent household due to the situation with my father, but i never saw being raised by only my mother as the future i would have. i could probably contribute this to the fact that my father was always in contact with us and was an active part of my life and because i was also raised by all four of my grandparents... but my future with my children always... ALWAYS... involved their father being around. i've never considered raising them alone. i don't WANT to be a single parent. and that's not to say that everyone who IS a single mother planned it to be that way... but me? i won't even entertain the idea. i also always wanted kids. always. at least one, but no more than three... i don't think i could handle four. lol, maybe i'll have two boys and a girl... two older twin boys and their younger sister, like 5 years older than her so when she starts formally dating at 15, her daddy and two 20-year-old brothers can come intimidate the guy, lmao. Caleb Asher, Joshua Lee, and Kathy Lynn. those will be my three kids, lol.

on the subject of family... i realized something else. just like my father, i have never been in a "Serious" relationship without sitting down and visualizing marrying the guy i am/was with. i'm not saying that the minute i decide that this will be an exclusive, commited relationship that i'm running to David's Bridal with a plan. nah, it's more like... if i can't see myself with this man for a long-term, then why bother? to have fun? nah... if i'm looking for a partner, i'm looking for just that - a PARTNER. someone whose personality, ideals, and life compliment mine. my ex? ehh... i couldn't see it.. it was really fuzzy... like a play marriage i saw. and, in retrospect, having seen all the things i wrote while i was involved with him, i should've known for a long time that it would be that way. Kevin? hmmm.. i can see it better. i'm not saying that he's going to be the man i marry... but i'm also not saying that he won't be. lol. that'd be kinda cute, though. we'd be a really weird married couple. the kind that you'd hesitate for a few seconds before inviting us to a dinner party, but would invite anyway because we'd liven up the party. the kind of couple that would skip our own wedding reception, only to come back at the end to say goodnight to everyone, lol.

i saw a little boy about 4 years old the other day with his pants halfway down his behind with his momma. smh, that's a hot mess. never in life would my children be dressed like that, ESPECIALLY not in my presence.

i think i'mma watch the last of Black in America, then take a shower and take myself to sleep.

peace.

loveisyou.

2008-07-21T22:00:00.002-05:00

him: so do you think you're in love?
me: [ giggles ]
him: hey, i'm asking you a question...
me: do YOU think you are?
him: i asked you first and that requires an answer.
me: ...if i'm not i'm almost there.
him: hmmm.
me: what about you?
him: i think i'm almost there, too... but i think i'm closer to it than you are.

dark knight was sold out, we went to see Get Smart. good movie in a Beverly Hills Cop kinda way - funny guy in a serious movie. get it? yeah. uhm... don't ask me TOO much about the movie, though... i wasn't completely focused during it.. soo... [coughs] >_> lol, today was fun, though...

him: i got the money for MY ticket.
me: oh... uhm... i'm broke =/
him: =/
me: sorry.
him: it's cool. we'll just get chips instead of going to mcdonalds....

lmao. i love him. a lot. like a LOT a lot. like, you just don't know. [sighs] three effin' weeks and he goes to Alabama. [sits at my window and pouts]

peace.

rewired.

2008-07-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

soooo... i'm going to see The Dark Knight tomorrow? oh HELL yes. Kevin decided he wanted to come down all early and ish... meaning TOMORROW, so i had to wash out a shirt to wear. smh. but MOVIES! :D i haven't been to the movies since... well, since Wanted with Jonnathan. i wouldn't mind just going to the park again, though. we'll see.

anyoldways, i think i wanna download a Seal album, lol. yeah, i was listening to "Kiss From a Rose" and "Love's Divine" the other day and it was like... why don't i listen to more Seal? hmm. [hits up my music resource]

oh, i switched my blog music provider. myflashfetish served its purpose, but i've been using it since i used to frequent CS... geez. so hellloooooo singingbox! :D hello to my little ol' five track playlist, too, lol. it'll get better...

my face decided to break out... ugggghhhhh! JUST WHAT I DON'T NEED!

i've realized that White people only care about race when it becomes an uncomfortable subject for them. they ask stuff like "why are you playing the race card?" and "what does it matter if Jesus was Black or White?" [sighs] they don't understand. White people are never actively thinking about their race unless they're in a situation where they are forced to, like when most of the people around them AREN'T White or something like that. Black people (i can't speak for other races) think about the fact that they're Black actively. when we watch TV, when we go out, we think about the fact that we are Black in some sort of way, so it's more natural for us to bring it up or joke about it or debate it. it's why we make race jokes all the time. White people consider themselves to be "the base race", so they don't have to think about it because they're "normal" and all other races "aren't".

fyi, this applies to MOST but not ALL people of both races mentioned.

bahhh, i don't feel like continuing that thought.
i'mma go hop into bed and wait for Kevin to call me.

night night.

peace.

blam.

2008-07-20T00:18:00.004-05:00

uhm... let's see... we'll do this in point form, i'm not in the mood for paragraphing it up.

i don't give a flying fraggle rock what jayning says, my second walk does not make me walk like i'm going to a bootycall. hmmph.
pictures? sure.
i finally found my camera... exactly where i knew it was, lmao.
my glasses got scratched.
i got attacked with a super soaker at Summer Jam today.
Tymel's been getting more and more obvious with his flirting. but he knows i have a boyfriend? ugh... see, i need to tone down my level of "natural flirting" because rev. jerome's son definitely started mildly hitting on me, too.
i got my socialvibe ball in the mail!
i FINALLY get paid on monday. it's not gonna be too much, but it'll be enough to get over for now.
kevin wants to have another date next week. oh boy. we'll see...
stuff's been changing? like, in the last few days. really fast, too. i'm a little scared, but we'll see what happens.
i've been having really good days lately, but i can feel a downwards trend. i'm probably wrong, though.
lol @ Chris... i'm never playing the uncomfortable game with him again. that's unneeded..
i need to go clothes shopping.
i need to hang out with jaynina more often.
ran into garry, antwon, and james on the bus. good times, made me miss high school... SIKE!

'tis all for now, kiddies. night night.

peace.

[edit]

okay, so we get into this minor spat over some stupid shit? like FB relationship statuses? okay, so call me petty for taking down my status completely because he changed his to "it's complicated" and then told me he just did it because he was bored at work when he CLEARLY did it this morning. w/e. but then he got mad at me and wanted to ignore my calls and shut off his phone... wtf, son? for some reason, he turned it back on and i sent this spewing non-thinking text message of whatever the hell i was feeling... apparently it stopped him. now he's doing all his solitude stuff walking home and is supposed to call me when he gets in. idk... i really hate when we have these arguments and then he shuts down. me? i mean, i want space when i get upset, but i'm never fully okay until i talk about it. and when he shuts down on me like that? i really hate that. because i get upset and then i sit there and overanalyze everything. i overanalyze all the things i've done and all that's gone wrong, both then and before, and i just... i glaze out. like, i'm on autopilot from then on out. ugh. my tummy hurts now.

wornout.

2008-07-17T22:25:00.000-05:00

okay, so this gonna have to be two parts...

part one - 7.17.08, 9 am - 5 pm
so i remembered that we had a trip @ my job to go to Central Park... alright, no big deal. my first mistake? i wore the wrong shoes for it (apparently, my Converse-like Airwalks aren't good for heavy-duty walking). now don't get me wrong; in all my ranting, i absolutely love my job. i wouldn't wanna be anywhere else during the day except with my kids (well... maybe except for being with HIM... more on that some other time... or after this... or in another blog... teehee).... but DAGGONE, man. this trip wore me the heezy out. i'm not upset, i'm just drained, y'know? so we head out, take the C train to 59th and walk to the zoo. the zoo was decent, though. i mean, it's not the Bronx Zoo or anything, but CPZ is pretty good for a short day trip like ours. so we got to see the sea lions get fed and do tricks, saw some polar bears and stuff. then we ate lunch and went to the park. omg, i had to help this little girl use the bathroom... it was probably the weirdest thing, lmao. alright, so she had been playing in the water, so she didn't have any shoes on. so i carry her to the portapotties and she says she needs help, so i go in with her... now... if you know portapotties, they are absolutely DISGUSTING, so i couldn't let that little girl walk in there in her socks. so, by some miracle of God, i managed to hold her in my arms while still being able to get her to get her pants down, use the bathroom and get her pants back up. lmao, right before we got out, we had this conversation:

her: are you a mommy?
me: O_O! no.
her: then what are you? are you a counselor?
me: yes [handing her toilet paper]
her: but most counselors are mommies.
me: oh. well, i'm not a mommy.
her: oh. because mommies do stuff like this...

lmao. she was too cute. oh, and Tashyra decded that i'm her big sister, with her little cute self. Dre'Quan thought he was too manly for kisses on the forehead. Joey got in trouble again and he's not going on the trip tomorrow and neither is Aminata :( ah, well, that's two less kids to worry about.

part two - 7.16.08, 5 pm - 10 pm
surprise, surprise, Kevin showed up yesterday. still had that weird ol' mohawk thing, though, so he had a baseball cap. lmao, it didn't matter to me, i was already nervous as hell because i'd washed my hair the night before, let it air-dry, and then couldn't go flat-iron it, so it was fro'd out... or as fro'd out as my hair can get, as processed as it is, geesh. that reminds me... [fires up my flat-iron] so we stop at McDonald's because he wants to eat before we go to Bryant Park and his friend texts him, telling Kevin that he works at an Abercrombie and Fitch on 56th. soooooo we walk over there and i have NEVER felt so out of my element. i had to wait to the side with my explosive hair while he caught up with his friend so i texted everyone telling them i was uncomfortable because everyone there was tall, skinny, really good-looking, White, or a combination of those. Gerald said that it was like him in Florissant, lol. and then Tymel texted back that i had some of those qualities... namely that i was tall and really good-looking. i had to stop texting him after that. i mean, i was flattered and all, but... i was out with my boyfriend =/ Kevin wanted to see, so i showed him, but he didn't say anything about it except "why is he hitting on you when he knows you have a boyfriend?" good question, but i'm not stressing it. anyway, we went to the park afterwards and hung out for about two hours, talking and stuff. we left when he finally had to go home. i miss him and he wants to come up next week, but... he's slipping back into old habits (which he's admitted... he says he knows he can be inconsiderate). ah well.

Daniel: To love someone, like even when they do something that absolutely pisses you off, there's still gotta be that ray of understanding

i'm trying... [ sighs ]

in other news i'm about to hit the bed. i ran out of NyQuil :( i'm not sick anymore, though. Kevin's asleep, so i can't count on him to help me out unless he calls me when he wakes up... omg, i texted him and i get a text back like "Kevin is sleeping" uhhh... don't you think i know that since my text said "wake up"? UGH... he better have an explanation. [ sighs ] i'm only mildly frustrated, though. i flat-ironed my hair, so i don't feel horrid since i'm going to be looking a MILLION times better tomorrow now that my hair's done.

[ whistles michael jackson's "you rock my world" and skips away ]

peace.

plainandsimple.

2008-07-16T22:21:00.003-05:00

i gotta pull a Drey on this one...

chrisette michele - love is you
anthony hamilton - can't let go
avant - read your mind
eric benet & tamia - spend my life with you
chris brown - i may never find
common ft. mary j. blige - come close to me
chrisette michele - if i have my way
mya - fallen
robin thicke - teach u a lesson
luther vandross - here and now
stevie wonder - as
j. holiday ft. trey songz - bed (remix)
trey songz - kinda lovin'
musiq - dontchange
monica - angel of mine
jimi hendrix - angel (acoustic)
ginuwine - betta half
jill scott - celibacy blues
corinne bailey rae - trouble sleeping
corinne bailey rae - breathless
lupe fiasco - go baby

okay, i'm off to go fall asleep with him :D

peace.

signingoff.

2008-07-15T23:00:00.001-05:00

[ guzzles the rest of my NyQuil ]

good night, y'all.

being awake isn't helping me.

peace.

prepare.

2008-07-14T20:06:00.003-05:00

bought my chain and my earrings. no batteries, though, i'm good on those. wasted $40 on a silver chain that i could've gotten for $25, traded it for 10k earrings and sold them for $10. yuck. also picked up some Cheez-Its for the ride and some hair-ties since most of mine are ruined. so all that's left is laying out my outfit for when i have to leave early tomorrow morning.

urg... i miss Kevin. NO MORE ABOUT THAT... until Wednesday night. btw, did i mention that we made it to six months as of the 11th? good Lord, how did we do that? as much as we argue about everything and get pissed off and everything. gawsh..

oh, my check from the gov't came in. three hunnit smackeroos, which is good because my cash supply was getting low and i don't get paid until the 17th.

ugh. i'm getting pissed off. shower and NyQuil, i'm calling him ONE time and then going about my fuckin' night.

peace.

[edit]

the question, of course, becomes "what do i do?" because there are a million reactions. i could spazz on him and get into another argument. i could ignore it and let it build up until i'm an emotional wreck again. or i could be a bit more Gerald-like and recede into a shell of apathy. yeah, i could just not GIVE A FUCK. go to the movies with a guy friend? why not if he's not there. let Khalid take me out to dinner? sure, it's not like i have a DATE that night or anything. actually entertain flirting with decent guys? maybe! ugh... it's like this horrid path i'm going down... where he comes around just enough to try to be loving, to try to do right... and then he goes through these long periods where he won't even make a half-assed effort. i asked him if he was gonna fall asleep again. his answer? "idk yet".... negro, i haven't been able to talk to you all fucking day and i get that you don't know? thanks alot. and when i told him that his statement wasn't exactly comforting, he goes "oh, i'll make it up to you on Wednesday", which is the night we'll SUPPOSEDLY go out. i don't know anymore... we made it to six months with me carrying so much of the emotional side of this relationship. i don't want to feel like whenever he FEELS like being a boyfriend, that's when i get him. i deserve to be a priority and not an option. i don't want to be worshipped, but i DO want to be respected and given back the same effort that i put out. so from now on? fuck it. if he doesn't text me, i'm not texting him. if he wants to call me, then he has my fuckin' number, my AIM s/n, my Y! s/n, my MySpace AND my Facebook. pick your poison. why should i be the one chasing up behind him? exactly. there's no reason for any of this. so go ahead and prove me wrong homeboy... because i'd hate to see you prove me right.

spit.

2008-07-13T21:08:00.002-05:00

there was a talent competition tonight and i came in second, lol. lost to a chick who sang India.Irie's "The Truth" and did it well, so i ain't mad at all, she did her thing, lol. but i got a lot of networking done... and a lot of flirting? lol, i need to cut this out, it ain't good for my health. this producer named Emjay decided he wanted to try to be cute, talmbout some "hey sexy", lmao gtfoutta here. this dude with a twin brother also was tryna be touchy feely, gave me his number and email address. eesh.

uhm.... Hershey Park on Tuesday! *\o/*
got my outfit picked out, just need my chain, my earrings, and batteries for my camera. i'll get that tomorrow after work, stop on 125th and get everything i need. i gotta go to sleep super early, too, either that or go to sleep late and sleep on the way to the park. i'm guessing i'll be sitting with Tymel on the bus. fun stuff. he keeps texting me about what he should wear, lol.

Kevin's supposed to be coming down this week. he said he's getting tired of not seeing me that often. pffft, welcome to my world. we're supposed to spend either Wednesday or Thursday together after i get off from work. we'll see. he better show up, too.

okay, my baby's on his way home from work, so i'mma take a shower, take my NyQuil, and hit the sheets so i can go to work tomorrow.

g'night!

peace.

ska-doosh.

2008-07-12T19:05:00.004-05:00

happy saturday, yawll :D

i was supposed to go to B-More today to get my hair done w/ Kim, but our hairdresser's on vay-cay until the 24th, so we stayed home.

last night was funny... but not? lmao. so i call Kevin's phone and everything... done took my Nyquil and everything... and a girl picks up the phone...

her: hello?
me: =/ ..... hello?
her: ......who's this?
me: ....naia.
her: oh. Kevin doesn't have his phone right now.
me: oh. okay. thanks.

lmao, so at first i was like... oh, that's probably his sister... but it sounded NOTHING like his sister. so i start getting mad, like, who the fuckness is this chick picking up his phone and why does she have it? so i'm on the phne with Tymel, venting and talking about how his cell is messed up and everything and Kevin texts me back the answer to some text i had sent him like 20 minutes before... so i'm like... call me. he says to give 10 minutes so yadda yadda yadda, he calls back. first thing out his mouth... "my bad, my little cousin had my phone".... lmao, wanna talk about shut down? i was still mad, but i ain't have anything to be mad about anymore. so he spent another 5 minutes trying to figure out if i was mad and why. whatever, it got fixed, but lol, i'm too paranoid about shit. so then he woke me up this morning like "did you call my cell earlier?"... lmao, no, negro, i was sleeping until just now. so his phone got stolen after he fell asleep. lmao, hot damn. it turned out his bro stole it, which always cracks me up. his brother got a phone of his own and keeps stealing his, lmaooooo. this is why i don't have siblings.

really didn't do much today. watched part of Major Payne with my dad. watched Kung Fu Panda online (SOOOOO good!) while eating peanut butter mixed with honey and drinking iced tea. sat around the house in my boxers. lmao, welcome to the good life.

oh, did i mention we're going to Hershey Park on Tuesday? :D helllllll yeah. i got my outfit picked out and everything: denim capris (yeah, i went and bought them... two pairs!), a white short-sleeve blouse-ish shirt, and my black American Eagle ballet flats. i'll finish it off with one of my new purses from Tony... either the Akademiks one (which is good because it can hold more) or my newer XOXO bag (which is good because it's smaller and i'll be able to store it better). either way, i'll be looking right for this trip. oh, that reminds me... i need to buy some mor stuff tomorrow... [ sighs ]... batteries for my camera, silver hoop earrings, and a new chain... or maybe just two of those three... it'll get figured out.

peace.

perhaps.

2008-07-10T13:10:00.002-05:00

lmao, i got screamed on by my stepmoms last night? yeeeaaah. fun times. i'm over it, though, took a dose and half of Nyquil, showered, and hit the sheets. Kevin called at like... 1 AM, and i remember waking up just enough to start babbling, lol. i fell back asleep and when i woke up, it was like 45 minutes later and homeboy was still on the phone, lol. i had to text him to get his atrtention, though. i wasn't as mad by then, but i still did my little venting bit. i told my dad in the morning and at first he was like "well, if you don't wanna get screamed on, handle your business" and i'm like, yeah, i understand, but i don't wanna be insulted. he told me yeah, i had a right to not be insulted and he'll talk to her, but i gotta keep up myend of things. cool by me. my thing is, that if we all supposed to be grown, that don't mean you can swell up on me and scream in my face, make me feel horrible. nah, it can't go down like that.

i'm at my job with my rising 3rd and 4th graders, but their getting disciplined right now, lol. did i mention that i'm going shopping after work? capris, here i come. smexi. second check is for my bras and stuff. after that, it's a free for all. gotta put money to the side, too. being on the broke side is KILLING MEEEEE, lol.

we're not going to the movies, go figure. i'm not surprised.

lmao, i'm like popcorn - hot and fluffy, LMAO. suh-weet. thanks, Gabriel Iglesias.

peace.

boom.

2008-07-08T21:16:00.002-05:00

Wanted was awesome. saw it with Jonnathan. Kevin got mad about it then got over it. no other words on that.

supposed to go with Kev to see Get Smart or Wall-E on Thursday. we'll see how that goes.

i had things to say.
i lost them.

i feel like crying. not too sure why.
it hurt? but... [sighs] idk. whatever.

i might just turn in early. that Nyquil is something serious, i was OUT last night. like, hardbody SNOOZING within about 20 minutes of lying down. hmm. round two for that tonight. LMAO @ me looking over and the Nyquil being on my computer desk. mad loyal, son.

peace.

emotionalrollercoaster.

2008-07-06T18:11:00.005-05:00

so, i'm sick, LMAO. runny nose and stuff, popping Nyquil and Sudafed and Tylenol Cold & Congestion. fun stuff, except that my mind is foggy 80% of the time. not good when i consider that i got work tomorrow. blaaaaaah. oh, so i got this text message this morning before church:

Then don't expect nothing from me then. Bye!

it's like THAT, playboy? daaaaaaamn, and here i thought we were cool. aight, so yeah, maybe i spazzed on you a little but... yo, wtf, i'm not feeling this "i don't hear from you all day" thing. it worked itself out though, somewhat, because i reminded him, hey, i'm only saying shit like this because YOU tell me not to bottle up my feelings. i'm not taking back what i said, but i'm letting you know where i'm coming from. he went into some stuff and it got mini-resolved. all that good ish. he even said later, "but i probably deserved that". no comment on that one.

uhh... i need to buy Nyquil or something? i'mma get some on my way home from work tomorrow, see if i can catch the M102 and take myself to Duane Reade or Rite Aid and pick up some cold medicine. uhm.. my money is almost gone? LMAO, nah, bruh, this cash gotta last to next pay period, meaning the 17th... whaaaaat? gtfouttahere. but my next check is looking like it's gonna be nice, so it might be worth is to put the rest in my account and just wait util next time... OR go shopping and put my whole check in my checking. that might work. i need some new clothes, though... i'm tryna budget like.... $500 for shopping. i might get more if i hurry my ass up and go to my aunt's house for a weekend like i said i would, ugh. don't get me wrong, i love her, but her and me ain't the same type of people.

what else? uhm... oh, Jonnathan is back in town tomorrow, so we're planning to see Wanted on tuesday after i get off of work. then, whenever he figures out when he can get here, Kevin wants to go see Get Smart together... damn, i seen like.... mad movies this summer, lol. i usually don't see movies like that, but i've seen... uhh... Iron Man, You Don't Mess With the Zohan, and Hancock. then, in then next two weeks or so, two more movies. [ checks the weather ] with any luck, we'll schedule something this week after work. that way, i can be all out on the town and stuff, lmao. we'll see. Jonnathan told me i'm not allowed to flake out on him, soooo yeah. HEY MOM AND DAD!

Caitlyn came to church with us today. fun stuff. spent my time with little Chris. he fell asleep on my chest and sweated all over my good camisole, lol. it's alright though, he's still my baby, so i bought him a pack of gum.

me and Khalid are way overdue to go to dinner together. dude, where you at? i miss you :(

LMAO @ my dad.
what does Kevin have to say about you going to the movies with other guys? ....not that i really care.

LMAOOOO. never again. i might tell him.... but then again, he never tells me when he's going to do something like go out until the night of, so.... turnabout is fair play? hmmm... i'll decide later. probably won't tell him until i'm going, though. maybe. ehhh.... [ consults people ]

fireworks? c'mon people, it's the sixth, get it together....

peace.

edit

naia: [ poke ] ^_^
kevin: Hey what's up?,
naia: trying to decide when to take my ass to bed, lol.
kevin: Wow
kevin: Ur stupid
naia: ouch.
naia: thanks a lot.
kevin: Lol
naia: i ain't even know it was like that.
naia: lmao - that like... seriously hurt.
naia: that was like getting sucker-punched int he gut.
kevin: Oh im sry baby I didn't mean anything by it!
naia: damn, had ME fooled. lol, had me ready to cry and shit.
kevin: Oh don't cry baby I meant nothing by it please im so sry!

[ sings ]
breaaaaaakkk up... toooo maaaakke up, that's allllll weee dooooo... first you looooovvvee meee.... then you haaaaattteee meeee... that's a gaaaaaaaammme foooorrr foooollllssss...

youneverknow.

2008-07-04T14:52:00.002-05:00

i ain't no fucking ass-kisser.
i'm just a push-over.

know what?
lmao, let's just leave it all to you, okay?
the calls, the texts, all that good stuff.
you got a phone just like me.
ol' scared of the fucking rain ass. LMAO. anyway...

time to get dressed.

peace.

scream.

2008-06-30T20:56:00.003-05:00

i don't have very good outlets for my anger and frustration. i think i've become so used to keeping it all inside that by now, i do it unconsciously. but it hurts a lot, y'know? to have this frustration and then lack a way to get rid of it all without hurting someone or myself. it's a horrid, choking feeling, and i'm trying to figure out ways to get all of this processed, but i can't really think of it anymore. i can't write like i used to, so that doesn't work. crying is redundant and stupid by now. i can't scream, i can't get away, i can't tell someone all of this... it's a whole lot of brick walls between me and letting all this go.

AND I HOPE YOU'RE FUCKING HAPPY THAT YOU RUINED MY DAY.

hmmph.

[ edit ]

this is exactly why i don't wanna believe that i'm in love. because love means that you trust someone, whole-heartedly. you trust them with your heart. and i'm so fucking scared that he's not gonna be able to take care of it. i don't want to have to be constantly disappointed and frustrated and upset and hurt and all of these things over someone i "love" and end up looking like a pathetic ass-kisser. i make sacrifices for you, okay? i put shit on the line. more than my fucking heart, i lose sleep over you and when i ask you to stay up for me, i can't get a shit's worth of effort. i plan shit and ... i dont even know. i'm really hurting right now. this is more than you not coming because of SOME FUCKING RAIN. this is me feeling like i'm really not worth anything much to you. and maybe i'm not.

hiccup.

2008-06-30T13:17:00.003-05:00

http://i64.photobucket.com/albums/h190/xXbelovedXx/Food/DSCF1785.jpg

that right there > 98% of the ice cream you've ever had. it's amazingly delicious. [ savors it ]

kevin's mom got in a car accident, but he wants to go to the movies tomorrow to see Wanted.... uhhh... okay?

training for my new job at 9:15 tomorrow, so that means i can get up a little later tomorrow. YAY.

this ice cream is really the bomb digity, though.

peace.

allthingsconsidered.

2008-06-29T17:52:00.002-05:00

love's my permission to be who i am
no inhibitions 'cause you understand
freedom to breathe, oh baby
love is you
chrisette michele - love is you

lately, i've been taking into consideration the idea of love, the possibilities, what it implies, and that kind of thing. i realized that one of my biggest goals, besides success, is to have a family. it hit hard two times, especially. one was yesterday at the barbeque when Kevin was leaving. little Chris wouldn't let me leave him alone at all, so i had to carry him with me. and there was a moment when Kevin was hugging me to him while i had Chris in my arms... and it flashed across my mind that this could be (or possibly IS) my future - a husband and a child. and it didn't feel scary like most thoughts about the future. it was really comforting, a feeling of being... where i wanted to be? where i needed to be? satisfaction. maybe that was it. the feeling of peeking into a place later on in life where i'll have accomplished one of my goals. the second moment was today in church. it was a really emotional service and everyone was feeling it. i was crying and i found that i was crying mostly when i saw moments between people and their children. and i had been doing mostly quiet crying... tears just running down my face. but after the prayer and we all went around to hug each other, i picked up little Chris and i broke down. i'm still not sure why, but i cried into that toddler's shirt like he was my own. i realized that i love that little boy with everything in me. i couldn't love him more if he was my own flesh and blood and i've only known him for a few months. i can't deny how much of my heart is into caring for small children. but part of me is trying to figure out how much of that is my gift and/or my calling and how much is me and my passion for the goal of having my own family.

when i talked in high school to my friends about having a family in the future, so many of them said they wanted them later on, that they wanted to be able to "live life" first and travel the world and whatnot. i never really thought that way. yes, i want to travel and see the world and enjoy being a young woman, but i don't see that as a precursor to having a family (or, to put it another way, as having a family being a hinderance to enjoying life and what the world has to offer). in no way am i rushing becoming a mother. i don't intend for that day to come any time soon. but i am looking forward to it. i want to be able to wake my kids up in the morning and feed them cereal while i put together their lunches and other corny, cliche stuff like that.

all this leads me into thinking about love. more than just what you think would hold a boyfriend and girlfriend together (ideally), love to me is the glue in any relationship, be it family, spouses, or friends. so, logically, in order to build the family that i want in my future, i'd need someone that i love to start with. i don't know about anyone else, but in any relationship i'm in with a guy, i try to see if i could end up with them for life. not saying that i'm trying to marry anyone i'm with right off the bat (because that would be scary), but just to see if this is a living, growing relationship with potential rather than something that is momentary and fleeting. simply put, i want to be in a relationship for the long haul, not just to have a short moment of fun. so now i'm getting to that point of thinking with Kevin. it's only been five months, to give this a frame of reality, but, like i said, i want to be in this for the long haul. he's also said that he feels the same way, which is good - we're on the same page with this. so i find myself trying to discern whether this is love or not, and if it IS, whether i'm IN love, which is tricky. i am quick to HAVE LOVE for people - to care about them in a general sense, to want good things for them, etc. my challenge now is to be able to separate that type of love from the type of love that creates marriages and families. i've been examining a lot. i do have that elementary general love for him, but there is more built on that. i mean, we fight like who-knows-what. arguing every month or every other week, getting mad at each other for stuff, getting pissed off... but in the end, both of us still have no problem with saying that we love each other, no problem trying to make amends. also, i grapple with the fact that both of us came into this wary and bruised. we both have self-esteem problems, things that we see in ourselves that feel other people wouldn't be able to accept us for. and we both took this really shaky step to admit it to each other. and nothing happened. nobody got laughed at or tossed to the side or judged. we just were. i take that into consideration as well. we've gone over stuff like this before and i still don't know if i'm in love for sure or whatever.

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/5997/googlethisjl6.png

i wish it were that easy.

peace.

goingon.

2008-06-28T21:37:00.002-05:00

uhm. today was amazing. kevin drove me and juliette and little dante to the church and he hung out at our cookout for a while. lmao, little Chris was mad jealous. he said he didn't like Kevin because he liked me. LMAO, dude, i'm 15 years older than you, it'll never work. kevin only cussed twice and no one heard but me, so kudos to him. and we only kissed in the parking lot when he was leaving and that wasn't too serious. oh, but he's taking me to the movies after work on Monday so YEAH-YUH, lmao.

oh, and what is with people from my past popping up? flipping Martin from like... FOREVER ago decides to IM me...

Martin: Thats great. Wat is the last movie you saw? I ask cause i want to take you to one
Naia: i saw You Don't Mess With the Zohan, but i'm going to the movies on Monday night anyway
Martin: If you don't want to how about this i'll be in the movies if you want you can come
Naia: it's less about you and more about how it doesn't look right if i'm at the movies with you
Martin: Lol (to selfwas that a yes or on) ok thats great
Naia: it's a no because my boyfriend would flip out.
Naia: that better?

which is Naia for GTFO my life. i'm committed, get over it.
i'm still trying to figure out why all these people who don't compare to the boyfriend i have now want back into my life. even ****** keeps making sly remarks that make me think he might be trying to flirt on the low, especially since he's freshly single.

on the happier side of life, everyone seemed to like Kevin so far. Japara was hilarious.

her: that's your friend?
me: that's my boyfriend
her: WHAAAT? come back and tell me that again! and just as handsome as he wanna be! they still make 'em like that?

lmao, yeah, so he's hot :D

UHM.
time to take a shower and watch Food Network while eating raspberry sorbet.

peace.

wakeup.

2008-06-27T10:43:00.000-05:00

from: Kevin Cell

Hey baby I love you. I mean no harm missin out days with you. I can't promise that it will never happen again, but I can make a great effort for it not to happen so much.

received: 6/27/2008
3:11:54 AM

just be at the barbeque, dude.
(and i find it funny that it tells you when your text was received down to the second... how precise and almost unnecessary)

uhh... so last night was semi-cool. i didn't wash my hair like i wanted to, whomp whomp. i'll wash it tonight. but i DID clean my room! GO ME! it was seriously bugging me, tripping over shit every ten seconds. didn't take very much, either. i had to beat Indigo this morning for knocking over my garbage can as soon as he got in my room, stupid bastard cat. ugh, if he gets those chicken bones out my garbage and spreads 'em over my room, i might kill him. and then kim will yell at me, lol.

we didn't really talk last night because it was his momma's birthday, so they were gonna celebrate all family style and ish. he called me to tell me goodnight and he loved me and went to be with his madre. speaking of madre, he gets to meet my family tomorrow [ play shocker/horror music ] lmaoooo. oooh boy, this is gonna be QUITE interesting, figgadeal me? Kimberly was asking me yesterday if Kevin was gonna bring Benjy with him =/ you're asking if my boyfriend is gonna bring his cousin to OUR family's BBQ? really? she was like "yeah, since he's driving. if Benjy comes, i'll ride in the car with y'all, but i'm not gonna ride along if he doesn't bring him because y'all need alone time" (which is probably code for, i don't wanna watch y'all be all couple-y). uhhh, he's not coming to pick me up anyways? he's driving straight from Paterson to Far Rockaway, ain't no "stop in NY" in there. i can't blame her, though, she has a crush on Benjy (even though she's only seen him once?) and she's tryna get a man ASAP anyway. but she's going to Morgan in the fall, so what does it matter to have a man here in NY or NJ? okay, yeah, shut up, i know i did the same thing and went further away, we're not talking about me. he texted me talmbout how he's looking up information for flights from AL to MO so he can come visit me because he doesn't wanna waste time on a bus. uhh, but flights are mad exspensive? you got cash like THAT? aww shucky ducky quack quack!

so i'm at work, half goofing off. between listening to my music, AIMing people, blogging, websurfing, playing games... all the things i shouldn't be doing so i can enter this data on the computer, lol. ahh, well.

peace.

goodmorningbaltimore.

2008-06-26T15:23:00.005-05:00

lmao, so today was like... weird? it started kinda bad. aiight, so last night, i finally get phone time with this sumumabeesh kevin at like 3 am? shiiiit, man. we talked for a good while. i got to do some bitching, so yeeeah. he was talkin about how his cousin is playing at the Rucker tonight... uhh, that's all lollipops and sunshine, but our date? he's asking if i can come down to there. WHAT? alright, first of all, NO. i don't feel like watching a basketball game. secondly, i really don't think my parents will let me go. why? because we're talking about 7 pm at night across the street from Polo Grounds in the summertime, which means it is HIGHLY likely that some shooting will happen because it's hot and people are crazy. eh-eh. not doing it. so this morning i wake up, thinking he's supposed to be calling me to let me know he'll be on the bus. it ends up going like this.

me: [ calling ]
keith (kevin's twin): [ picking up ] hello?
me: [ thinking it's kevin] uh-huh.
keith: this is keith. kevin's asleep right now.
me: ...oh =/
keith: hold on a second. KEVIN! YOUR GIRL'S ON THE PHONE!
me: ....
kevin: [ mumbling ]
me: WAKE UP
kevin: [ still mumbling ]
me: [ presses button in his ear ]
kevin: WHAAAAT
me: WAKE UP, i need to know if you're coming here so i can know whether or not to go to work
kevin: what time is it?
me: 10:08
kevin: [ mumbles some more ] ...nah, i'm coming at night.
me: =/.... i don't even... what the... i can't... ugh, fine. whatever.
kevin: [ hangs up ]

punk ass.

so i scarfed down a bowl of honey nut cheerios and took my behind to go apply for a job as a teacher's aide for the summer. they said they're paying between 12 and 14 an hour, so i put on my application "$12 - $16 / hr" for desired salary. aye, there's no harm in trying. i also put down that i'm available all day (8 am - 8 pm) except on sundays, wednesdays, and fridays. suh-weet. so because of that, i ran late getting to my temp job at MWIRD. V_V ahh, well.

so my parents are talking about moving to Elmont? [ googles it ] ehhh. little ass west bubblefuck type town with one bus, no mall, no shopping centers. they got a CVS... and a Walgreens... and a Western Beef... wtf? i'd be hitch-hiking my ass to the city every chance i get. [ sighs ] but they're talking about how it's a 4-bedroom joint with a basement that i can use for an apartment. the apartment thing is EXTREMELY tempting, but ELMONT?! i mean, gosh, just throw me in the middle of Ohio or some shit, why dontcha. bah. but a four-bedroom house is sounding really nice. we never had a house before. we're going to go see it on Sunday after church before we visit Albert Lee.

note to self: call my aunt so i can visit her and not feel guilty. [ sighs ] i hate visiting my aunt. she's not a bad person, but she's real nitpicky about EVERYthing and i know she's bout to get on me about my weight AGAIN and then probably beat me over my head about having a new boyfriend (well, he's new to her... we're creeping up on six months together). but it should be fine. bah humbug and all that good stuff. maybe i'll show her how i cook okra gumbo. queens just ain't my kinda place, i don't know anyone out there or nothing.

is it just me or is Mamma Mia gonna ruin the trend of musicals-made-movies? i mean, because Chicago was good... so was Dreamgirls... Rent... Hairspray... but Mamma Mia? ugh. my dad says it's because white people love Abba songs, lmao. make a musical full of I Monster or Stevie Wonder and i'm in there like swimwear. didn't they have one of all Earth Wind & Fire songs once? why'd i miss that joint? urg...

[ still looking at the Elmont website ]
oh boy....

peace.

done.

2008-06-25T22:40:00.002-05:00

you know what?
NO.

[ puts the phone down ]

if you can't work on my behalf, i ain't working on yours.
GFTOutta here. call me tomorrow when you got some sense or decide you wanna back out or whatever. i don't even care anymore

MOTHER-EFFIN-PEACE.

chuggachugga.

2008-06-24T11:47:00.002-05:00

went to bed early last night... like 11:30? daaaag. didn't talk to him (of course not). ranted to him this morning on AIM, but he ain't even get it, whomp whomp. so now i gotta go and say it all. good grief. bah humbug and all that shit.

worked in the food pantry this morning, which was cool, except for when i got people who couldn't speak english. then i'm sitting there, struggling to remember the little bit of spanish i know and confusing it with french.

me: tu hablo ingles?
them: ah, no, mami, no een-glish.
me: okay, uhh... ce sont les pommes de terre (french for "these are the apples")
them: HUH!?
me: =/

yeah, it was a mess. everytime they asked a question, i was like "oui... I MEAN, SI!" LMAO. but it all worked out cool. i like this job. we do pantry again tomorrow in the afternoon. oh, and you get to keep some stuff if you want when you work at the pantry, so i got little stuff... peanut butter, teddy grahams, some juice, some stuff to snack on, things like that.

aiight, lunchtime. i'm out.

peace.

unappreciated.

2008-06-23T20:58:00.002-05:00

YOU'RE ON MY SHITLIST, MR. KING

hmmph.

i'm not even making excuses for you anymore. yeah yeah yeah, you texted me this morning, big fucking whoop. you WALKED home from work. which is, what, a 20 minute walk? you couldn't call me for ten minutes of that? BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. you've seriously got me pissed off right now. AND I SWEAR, IF YOU DON'T CALL TONIGHT, I'M FUCKIN' SPAZZING ON YOU.

UGH, he makes me sick.

speaking of sick, i ate a pint of caramel ice cream. lmao, but i'm lactose intolerant? yeeeaaahh. my tummy felt like a balloon. not good. but it was really delicious.

i'm going to bed early tonight - gotta put in another eight or nine hours at work tomorrow, get there at 9 am and leave about 6 pm or so. i'm supposed to put in 100 hours before the 30th, HA, like that'll happen. oh, let that date get cancelled, though, and best believe i'll be at work, cussing him out the whole way and the whole day. can you tell i'm mad at him?

old people (jeff) hitting on me is weird. i'mma wear a sign that reads "I AM 18, LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE"

anyway, i'mma go take my shower now.

peace.

wtf.

2008-06-21T23:24:00.002-05:00

i don't even know what's wrong with me, lmao.

aiight, sooooo, you can fool around with your away message on AIM, but you can't text me back? lmao, that party better be amazing as shit for all this. it's half-past midnight, sucka, i BETTER hear from you or you SHALL make a swift move to my shitlist. we ain't had a problem since... the sixth? around that time. two weeks, that's pretty good, eh? i hope he don't screw up that streak. because honestly, it's not me that's making issues this time, really. the way i see it, i don't really ask much from him. just gimme a call at night so i can talk to you, text me during the day, stuff like that. and shit, he'd been doing damn good thus far. but uhh, homeboy? don't mess that up.

on a lighter note, we're supposed to have another date on thursday to go see Get Smart. his treat (which is great because i'm amazingly broke right now). we would've gone friday and saw Wanted, but i got a rehearsal that day. he's supposed to be coming to our BBQ, too, which would be amazing because everyone could meet him at once (i mean, except for Kimberly since she's been around him a few times).

[ sighs ]

the parents aren't even home yet. UGH, i gotta go to my aunt's house soon, yuck. oh, we're taking a vacation to SC in july, too. okay, i'm going to email this usher's anniversary thing to my dad, take a shower, text or IM this punk once more, and then hit the hay.

peace.

theHOOKUP.

2008-06-20T16:54:00.003-05:00

can we say "open doors"?

[ waits for you to say it ]

because honestly, it's like stuff is happening on this mini-whirlwind/whirlpool kinda path that's both really fun, really cool, and almost scary, lol.

last night shay told me about a rap competition here in NY over the next week. top prize is a $1000 gift card, but there's gonna be some big names in entertainment there, too (shay only told me that diddy was gonna be there, but like him or loathe him, he's still in the music business... there that go). i'm wondering if Tykym or Don or Lamar are going to get into the competition, too... if they are, idk if i wanna participate. they're my big brothers, both spiritually and in music since they're the ones who brought me into gospel rap. competing against them seems... almost wrong. i'm probably still gonna compete, though. btw, the kids at the revival are still loving my raps, but i'm falling back today to let Ty rap. let someone else blaze the stage. besides, i'm running out of rhymes that i remember.

fast forward to today.

so today i came back to work today, late as all get-out because i had to go to the doctor's office for a letter to tell HCZ that i don't have tuberculosis. it took like... 15 minutes to get a letter. but that's besides the point. i get to the B train at 135th street so i can go straight up to 161st and River Ave. we go uptown to 145th... then start moving back downtown... wtf? i ended up getting off at 125th to take the express D train back up to my original destination. blah blah blah, i finally get here. i worked with Junior taking surveys, but i only got one done today. people just weren't tryna hear it today. so we come back to the Muslim Womens Institute to take lunch at 1... but lunch ends up taking like... 2.5, 3 hours! fine, whatever. i asked what i could do around the office instead of sitting around. so iend up organizing invoices and such. not the most fun work, but much better than sitting around, cracking jokes and texting. so, in my time here, i made the acquaintance of a few people. one dude named Tony gave me this amazing Akademiks handbag:

and then this guy Jeff (i was talking to him earlier about the Celtics-Lakers championship game with Junior) was ragging on me because i was screeching, pretending i was singing and he was like "stop, you can't sing"... so i said, "nah, i wasn't trying" and he was like "yeah, okay"... and you know me, if i smell a challenge, i'mma bite it in the jugular, LMAO. so when he came back around...

me: you hurt my feelings...

jeff: huh? why?

me: you said i can't sing

jeff: well, you weren't trying, so go on ahead and try!

me: [ sings the first verse and chorus of "i'd rather" by luther vandross ]

jeff: [ grins ] see, i'mma have you singing over at my job.

heheheheh. hustlenomicsmuch?

between the free bag and the compliments and the fact that i'm like the comedian of the office when i've only been here two days? shoooooot, can't complain, now can i?

oh, btw, i'm almost done with my first song! [ throws a handfull of confetti ] shhhh.... naia might ACTUALLY be trying to make a mixtape? GETOUTTAHEREWITHTHAT,SON! ....maybe? lol, i don't know yet... i still gotta ask Avi if i can record with him during the school year... AND i gotta find out if i can get any guest appearances... i'm thinking Audrey and Gerald (of course)... hmmm... probably Avi himself because he's letting me use his equipment and such anyway. ooooh, maybe Leah and Whitney! to do some singing and such... =] i'm getting ahead of myself. a mixtape is a big project... like a baby.... or a pet. but still... i'm flirting with the idea. [ bats my eyelashes at it ]

peace.

as-salam-alaikum.

2008-06-19T16:55:00.002-05:00

greetings from the BX, yawlls. [ smiles ] i'm kinda loving life right now. let's recap:

so this morning, i'm hanging aroun dthe housem doing all the ish i usualkly do when no one's home - lying around in my PJs, watching TV, making smoothies, making cookies, AIMing my pooka, etc... that kinda thing. i was a little bummed out because i still didn't have a job and HCZ hasn't called me yet... lame. so i get back to my cell and i've got a missed call from the OTHER job i could've gotten. i call back and they basically told me to come in. so i did and worked the last half of the afternoon. and the luck doesn't stop - this lady named Medina and her daughter Jasmine were here and i clicked with Jasmine (since she's six and i love kids and kids love me, lol), so Medina asked me to be her babysitter during nights :D!

me: how late are we talking?
medina: about the time you should be out partying =

LMAO. i love that lady. i told her i was celibate and she bugged out.

medina: WHY?!
me: [ giggles ] it's the way i wanna be right now! besides, my boyfriend's fine with it.
medina: [ scoffs ] one of these days, he's gonna say 'drop your damn panties'. and you're gonna do it.

WTF @ her. but LMAO, she's a trip. so's her daughter. it'd be mad cool to babysit her and get some extra cash in my pocket. so that makes.... three jobs? lol, i feel jamaican. "him have TEN jobs! and i think i love HEEEEM" LMAOOOOOO. so now i'm snacking on this really good raisin walnut bread (it's tough as all get-out, though) and drinking water and waiting for my father to come retrieve me. lol - retrieve me. like a duck or a ball. anyway, yeah. i probably won't be back to blog until sometime later tomorrow - i'm most likely gonna go straight home after revival and fall asleep and then wake up to get back to the BX at 9 (which means i'mma need to be up at 7, ouch) and work until 5. then revival AGAIN tonight. awwww, man, i was supposed to memorize this rhyme for tonight, too. CRUD. i still got some time to to do it, though. alright, daddy's on his way. time to wrap this up...

peace.

YESSIR!

2008-06-18T22:44:00.001-05:00

someone call eric, i'm back to writing again! LMAO.

i'm tryna get together some songs for the cypher that's coming up at my school when i get back in august. i'll probably be doing this a lot of my downtime... meaning all the time, lol. i'd post some of what i have, but it sounds weird if i'm not rapping it out loud because of the rhythm. uhh... yeah. i'm working on the Dipset Anthem beat right now... then i wanna do Get Crunk Musik and Red Bandana (because i love those beats to death).

uhhh... yeah. performed today and got such a great response from the crowd (a small congregation), that i rethought my original plan to stop rapping. plus the pastor gave me some advice and i think i'mma take it.

alright, shower time.

and, srsly, someone tell eric, lol

peace.