balance.

so today has been a mixture of good and bad. i'll start with the good, because it makes me happier. =]

two of my four classes today were cancelled. WOOHOO! i only had to go to race & ethnicity on american television and french lab to take my test [ i didn't even know there was a test =/ i think i did pretty well on it, all things considered ]. it turns out my teacher for (re)writing slavery got sick and sent out an email at around 10:50-something [ i was studying for french outside of lopata house then, how could i have known? ] and then obesity & the history of the american diet was cancelled because of the Jewish holiday. i'm celebrating these things by blogging. i haven't blogged in a while anyway.

umm... i guess the bad part was that i got a little mini-state of sadness/depression right after race & ethnicity on american television. we watched an episode of this old show called "life with luigi" after discussing radio's hand in re-enforcing racial and ethnic stereotypes and i noticed something. well... before i go into that, let me set the stage for the show, which is pretty simple. there's luigi, a italian immigrant, who works in a spaghetti shop. there's his boss, his boss's overweight daughter, rosa, and luigi's blond-haired, blue-eyed, socially-accepted-as-pretty english teacher. so, as we're watching this, i note how everyone's offended or affected by the ethnic and gender jokes that are being tossed around... but that everyone finds the weight jokes about rosa perfectly acceptable to laugh at. example; luigi goes to buy a dress for rosa so she can go to a dance... the sales lady asks, "is she a 12? 14? 16?" and luigi replies, "you'd get there faster if you counted by tens". everyone cracked up... except me. i mean... i'm overweight. and i know what it's like to be the butt of the joke. like being made fun of for anything else, it hurts. so why is it that it's wrong to joke about someone's race, ethnicity, religion, culture, impediments, handicaps, etc.... but not their weight? i mean, when was the last time you saw a heavyset person in ANY SHOW who was desirable? the only one i can think of was "Monique's Fat Chance", the model competition show for plus-size models, and that wasn't a basic-cable show that everyone could watch. and i tried to explain it to everyone as we left class, but no one seemed to get it... it was like... how can you not see this?

[ sighs ]

i'm not tired of me. i'm just tired of knowing that everyone's looking at me a certain way. i'd like to be able to see a cute guy and NOT have my mind automatically think that he's looking at another girl who is skinnier (and therefore, implicitly prettier). it'd be nice to not second guess if someone liked me or was pitying me. i'd like to be able to not have my confidence outweighed by socia stigmas. it's just hard. gosh, man, i mean... i'm black, i'm female, and i'm overweight... three strikes against me based on surface-info alone because of society's stigmas.

i'll tell ya what, though... if i had to trade in a personality trait for a more socially-accepted physical trait... i don't think i could think of anything to trade. i love myself, personality-wise. i really do.

anyway.. i talked to chelsie and renzy. chelsie helped me feel better. =] sometimes i feel alone and other times, i feel so blessed to know great people.

aahh... gotta go do french homework and maybe start on this land of plenty class essay due on the 25th... then i gotta take psych notes. i also wanna finish the second and third verse on this remix i'm writing, then try to see if i can do a self-mix on Windows Movie Maker. it'll be tedious, but it'll probably come out really good afterwards... better than if i tried to record it all at once. i don't have expensive equipment, but it'll be as decent of a home studio as i'm going to get.

okay, time for french homework and music. =] luppeeee. AND WHERE DA HEEZY IS MY GRADUATION CD THAT I ORDERED ON THE 8TH?! GAAAAHHHH!!!! -__-"





pAce.