speechless.

i'm supposed to be reading for class so that i can leave here at 2:25 to go to work study. instead, i'm blogging. why? i don't know... i need to tell the whole story. i wanted to tell chelsie, because she's just about the only one who i could tell the whole thing to... but i haven't been able to get a hold of her.

last night, RJ came back... he had been out of town, he said. and really, i had missed him. so, long story short, the conversation gets to my issues dealing with how i broke up with my ex.... and when we got on the phone, he got into this whole thing about us. so he was like "when i asked you if you missed me and you said yes, you meant that? when you said i was slowly wining you over, did you mean that?" and then... and i gotta say this is my fault.... he was like "before when you said "i love you" to me because i told you that i loved you, did you mean that?" ...and i could've honestly said yes because i meant general love... but he called me out on it, so i had to 'fess up about it. so he got like... really upset because he felt like i was just playing head games with him, and to an extent, i was, just because i initially figured that he was doing the same. i mean, as many girls as it seemed he would be talking to at once, i figured he'd be telling the same thing to them, too. and after last night, it's like... i don't know. i told him stuff i didn't think i COULD tell anyone; issues i had with my family, issues i had with myself, the whole deal about my ex-boyfriend. i just sat there and told him a whole lot... he did the same for me. he was going on at first about how if you feel something, whether it's on the phone or over the computer, that it's valid and you can't just push it away because of the means of communication. then he just started rambling... it was adorable.... about where he lived, what he's doing, what he wants to do, his favorite color (green), his pets (a dog and a kitten named Mojo)... and he even went into his past. he said he didn't usually let people know what he's done because he doesn't want their view of the present him to change... but like... with what my dad's done, prior to me "knowing" him and he's still my best friend, then who am i to judge someone else NOW for what they USED to do? all in all, it was a really interesting night... real deep. i was trying to explain to him that just because it was hard for me to accept him liking me and vice versa because of the short amount of time we'd been seriously talking, but he kept taking it as a rejection. i'm like.. it isn't a rejection, and then i'd try to explain it, but would end up making things worse, so finally i just said "it's just not a rejection" and left it at that.... and he said "...NOW you're getting it". before he hung up, he told me that he still loved me, but he was going to lay off saying it until i felt i could say it back and mean it. he didn't wanna pressure me.

I talked to Chelsie about it.

Naia: and he ended with
Naia: well, i still love you... and i'm gona lay off on saying it because i don't wana pressure you into it, i'm just gonna wait until you can... but there's something special about you... no game intended, just... there's something about you... and i'm gonna find out what it is.. and even if you're never my girlfriend or nothing, i still want you to be able to call me anytime and talk to me... no strings attached
Naia: and like... i want strings! just... not yet.
Chelsie C: :"> How fucking cute.


he's adorable. i really like him. i generally love him. i don't know if i'm IN love with him. i've never been in love. i don't know how it feels.

Chelsie C: you don't have to be in love with someone to be with them. Most, if not all, people fall in love WHILE already in the relationship

i swear i love that girl. she has all the answers. i'll talk to him tonight. hopefully, i can get my work done beforehand. i'm all messed up today... so much on my mind... so much to do. i need sleep. i can't go to my floor's "Monday Funday" with Thai food because i need to do work. i need to reschedule my life. i need La'Ron.


i really just typed that.

i do. he grounds me. he listens... a lot. i ramble on and on and on and he just listens. and he he doesn't just have generic comments back... he gives pretty damn good advice and feedback.

Chelsie C: .. you should really be with him.
Chelsie C: You think that talking for a short time is a problem? Look how much you know about him.
Chelsie C: Personal stuff, too.


maybe she's right.







pAce.