tied.

[ text message received on 10.06.07, 4:05:56 pm ]

".retfa reve ylippah evil dna sdik owt evah lliw ew dna foor emas eht rednu dna etats emas eht ni evil lliw I dna uoy syad eseht fo enO"

even backwards, he's the sweetest thing ever.
=]


i'm trying to deal with this... this idea that someone can be that deeply tied into me. like... a couple of nights ago, i was all set to talk to him... all ready to fall asleep together... and we didn't. it was like... 11 pm, but all wanted to do was go to sleep. i mean, i've gone home early, went to sleep early, rearranged parts of my schedule to talk to him. and it's like... hw does he have this much power. but i like him. a lot. like... more than i knew i could. so why am i scared?

i don't want a repeat of what happened with Marcos.

there.
i said it.


that boy scarred me. i never wanted to admit it, but he's hurt me pretty deep.

and i'll admit, it's not fair to any guy that comes after him that i treat them like they're just like him. it really isn't... but it's hard. it's self-preservation. you get hurt. you say, what can i do to prevent getting hurt again? you avoid that situation. how do you avoid that situation? you put distance between you and anyone who could hurt you like that again. and one day, you let down your guard. you let someone get close. you're happy.... you're content... you're absolutely fantastic.... and you start to worry. things were this way with HIM... happy... content... always want to talk to him... messes up your day if you don't get to.... talk about him all the time. and the little alarm goes off that says GET OUT! GET OUT NOW BEFORE YOU SCREW UP AND FALL INTO THAT SAME TRAP!

i don't know.

i need to get over this. BAD. i never really got a chance to heal, i don't think.

WTF, i sound like a battered woman. WE WENT OUT FOR THREE MONTHS, HE WASN'T THAT SERIOUS.

but he was. he was the first dude you seriously kissed. that means something.

but now he's not. so whatever. you have a new life. one that doesn't include him. YOU EVEN FORGOT HIS PHONE NUMBER, FINALLY!

yeah... but being hurt is being hurt.

i'm not weak like that.

no... but he attacked a vulnerable spot; your heart.

now i just sound like a gotshammed daytime soap or Lifetime movie. ugh.

it's true, though.

whatever.




i can't believe i just really talked that out with myself like that.
=/

i'm too weird.



okay. facts; he did mess up my trust. i DID care about him. it DID matter...
also facts; i CAN get over it. it WASN'T the end of the world. Mikey is NOT him.


[ sighs ]

the world is big and scary.
life, in general, is big and scary.

i can make it. i mean, i know i can. but it's hard.
i don't have all the answers. i have to come to grips with that.
i will be okay.

[ sighs ]

i bought four new t-shirts. i'm SOOO taking pictures when they get here!!!




pAce.