pursuitofhappyness.

yeah, so this is gonna be long.
i'm about 90% sure no one reads this, though, so it'll be fine.

if you don't feel like going through all this, click OLDER POSTS for my ramblings and whatever.
[ part of this is my journal entry... so ehhh. ]


i think i've figured out why i am now happy more of the time. I HAVE A LIFE! it's really amazing that this late in life, i have these things... these abilities that i didn't have before. i had friends, but i didn't have bone friends until late 11th grade to 12 grade when i solidified that me and Khalid were more than just friends, that we were family and something else that didn't have a name, but rather a feeling and a look (i'm sure we were mistaken for boyfriend and girlfriend when we went out to dinner over break until he brought up another time he'd gone out to eat with his girlfriend of four months). friends were the first step to having a life. i'm quite family-oriented which is not at all a bad thing, but my life WAS my family. my father was the center of my world, especially since he was pretty much my only really close family since my mom, one grandmother, and two grandathers were all gone. i was a part of all the ministerial events he took part in, going to the same church as him week after week, taking roles in youth events. i went to the movies almost exclusively when he did (i can only remember three times when i didn't). he was ultimately my best friend and i saw no issue in this, even when i realized that i was living paternocentrically. my father was my father - a man who i saw as powerful and intelligent and human and enough like me and cool (this i was particularly proud of). i didn't leave the house, really, unless i was going to the store. i was a homebody. i spent all my time on the computer or watching TV in my pajamas. so the first tap on the eggshell of my real happiness was venturing out on my own. as the geeky kid i was/am, i made 86th street and Lexington avenue my hangout spot. i wasn't into clothes or shoes then, so that section of manhattan was perfect. Best Buy, Staples, Barnes & Noble, Starbucks, Duane Reade - paradise for a dork like me. i'd spend my time buying CDs and books, drinking frappucinos, and just being out of the house in general. i got WAY better when i started hanging out with other people.. the problem was, other people didn't like just standing around in stores all day. i mean, some did. davia and alejandro were cool with it. most of them liked shopping, though, so i started shopping. that wasn't all that could make me happy, though. i mean, i was happiER, but that was only a step in the right direction. college and kevin were probably what really did it, though. college because i got to be on my own, have friends of my own, go OUT OF NEW YORK. don't get me wrong, i love my city dearly, but i couldn't stay in that bubble forever. st. louis was as good a place as any. so going out when i felt like it, making my own rules, being independent. i really love it. i like being self-governed. i like being able to do things on my own time. i like it a lot. kevin? man... i guess i'm happier in a relationship, corny and horrible as that sounds. yeah, i'll admit it. i like being with someone who likes being with me. i like having another confidante. i like being able to call someone, reach out to someone, tell someone i love them at anytime. i'm half hopeless romantic, so sue me. this relationship moreso, too, because it's a pretty good one thus far. and i'll be honest... i'm having a lot more good days, y'know? i mean, i have bad moments, angry moments, off days... but i'm happy more of the time. even when i had those weird ass breakdowns a few weeks ago, i still got over it pretty well, i think. i'm looking forward with a good feeling. yeah, i've got debt, and yeah, i'm a procrastinator and that fucks messes up my time schedule and how i get my work done, yeah my job sucks sometimes, yeah i don't like my extracurriculars sometimes, yeah i fall behind in my classes.... but i'm still happy.

[ deep breath ]

so yeah.
that's my explanation.
if you read the whole thing, God bless ya.


peace.