mildletterventage?

[ deep sigh ]

alright, so lately stuff about you has been making me upset. i have to admit, last night you did pretty well with defusing the situation. better than any other time that is. i was pissed at my suitemates because just as i was getting out of the shower, one of 'em knocks on the door like "hey, can i blowdry my hair?" and in my mind, i'm like... i KNOW you just heard the water shut off, HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES. but the way i am, i was just like "i'm getting out the shower, i'll be out soon" and this bitch is like "real soon? because i have to meet someone" UGH. so i'm like "yeah, whatever" and it just REALLY pissed me off because i NEVER knock on the bathroom door for ANYTHING when they take showers. showers are private times and should be respected as such. but i'm getting off topic. as i'm telling YOU all this, you made that remark. and you know what? it REALLY pissed me off. seriously. because i know that you were trying to make me laugh, but i was REALLY heated and i didn't feel like joking, i felt like venting. and then it made it worse because when i said "never mind", you thought i was just too pissed at them to talk about it or that one of them was in the room. no, i didn't wanna talk about it because YOU weren't taking it seriously. maybe part of this is my fault. maybe i was just irritated. or maybe when you asked if i was staying quiet because i thought you wouldn't listen, i should've said "it's not about you listening, it's about you taking it seriously". but whatever. that's over now. again, i think you did pretty well AFTER everything. when it got quiet and you were like "i'm not sleeping, i'm still here for you, i just don't know what to say"... alright, cool. i was a litle bit better after that. and maybe the next part was my fault, too? because we were both joking and all of a sudden i wanted to be serious. i don't know, with the whole parents thing... i feel like you should take it as less of a joke. they ARE my parents and i DO love them and they ARE my friends, as well. and because of prior things that went down, i don't want THIS to be a disaster. but again, like i said, that was maybe my fault. and maybe i shouldn't have kept the last thing i said last night bottled up for so long so that it was coming out now. that's bothered me since it happened and it's just now coming out... i guess because i didn't want to seem so whiny. but it really irked me. no lie. but it's whatever now, right? water under the bridge or something.

but i said all of that to get to the point i started out with - lately, i've just been getting really annoyed with you. i'm not saying you're annoying, it's just things that irk me. like if i'm telling you something that happened and you go "hold on", without even listening to hear if i say okay, you just put the phone down and go do what you wanna do. or you talk over me to someone else. i hate being ignored. i really do. you have NO idea. i absolutely HATE feeling like what i'm saying isn't important enough to hold your attention. it makes me not want to tell you anything until at night. and that's why night conversations piss me off, too. since they're pretty much the only time i have your full attention, i like talking to you then, but you're always ready to go to sleep and nothing is more frustrating than telling someone something and when you wait for some feedback or just to know they're listening, you find out they're asleep. and that's why i always say "nevermind, i'll tell you at another time, you're just gonna fall asleep anyway" because you WILL and i'd rather hold what i have to say than get into some stuff (especially some deep stuff) and come to find out, you weren't listening, you were sleeping. that's actually why i stopped saying "i love you" before we went to sleep. because you'd be dead asleep and i wouldn't know it and it just got frustrating, so whatever, i stopped saying it.

in all of this, please don't feel like i think any less of you. in spite of all that rambling i just did, i still love you. and i'm not expecting you to completely change or anything of that nature. that'd be just rude to be like "hey, i want you to switch up how you are completely because of a few things that get on my nerves sometimes". that's not right. all of this is mostly to vent, just get it off my mind. i don't want to sit here and fume over stuff like this that happens. and i don't want it to be where i get mad and you don't get it because i never said anything. and by all means, if there's things that i do that get on your nerves, don't hesitate to tell me.

okay, i really didn't mean for this letter to be this long.

peace.