switch.

i already knew he wasn't coming.
didn't stop me from feeling bad, angry, hurt, sad, defeated, and other emotions that don't have words for them or that have words for them that i can't remember.
it's that feeling like when a parent says something like they'll buy you a puppy or a pony or something, probably just to appease you. and you wait and wait for it... on Christmas, on your birthday, anything that would warrant gift-giving. and you realize after a while that despite their best intentions in making you happy and despite all the great heaps of hoping you had... that puppy or pony isn't gonna be yours. and you kinda knew it because you live in a tiny apartment and no one ever gets puppies or ponies when they live like you, but you held out for that slim chance that it would pull through.

disappointed, that was the word.
but it's like... expected disappointment?

i've only seen him once since i've been home. once. in a month. damn shame. but i end up repressing a lot of this disappointment because the focus always goes to him when stuff like this happens. he'll get in some drama with his family or he'll be mad or he'll be like "you think i'm not pissed off, too?!" and it's about him again. [sighs] i don't mind being about him. i really don't. i just mind it never really being about me... unless i'm like... sick, lmaoo. let me cough or sneeze or say i feel nauseous and it's "are you okay? what happened? what did you eat?" yeah, okay. i'm perishing emotionally, so let's focus on my tummyache...

i don't wanna break up with him over something like "you never come to visit me", but it's beginning to feel like we might as well not be together. yeah, i'll admit that i have my bitchy moments and i have my moody moments, but i bounce back. and i bounce back enough to carry your weight AND mine. [deep breath] let me not get emotional here...

in better news, i found a check for $90 that would've expired in a few weeks. i'm putting that bad boy in the bank today. that'll put me back in the "over $100" range with my checking account. i love finding money. my eyebrows looks scrumdiddlyuptious, if i do say so myself, even though the DOminicans don't know what it means when i say "i don't want them thin, i just want it cleaned up". pfffft, she went to town on my eyebrows. so much came off i was ready to stop her. and she didn't even swab me with alcohol so it wouldn't get razor bumps and shit! i had to go home and do it myself. smh. they look good, though. so did my outfit for today, but we'll shelf that for another time, apparently [rolls eyes]

i was gonna do a blog completely on my favorite clothing brands, complete with description, website, and where to buy it, but some things have to be my own, ya figgadeal me? i like having clothes that i don't see other people with very often. makes me feel special, especially with the underground brands. speaking of underground brands, can we say Nigerian-based streetwear? definitely found a new t-shirt place. the only store it's sold at is in ATL (bah, humbug), but the online store is coming soon. that gives me enough time to get my money up before i go to town on these stores. note to self: need to go back to Elizabeth, NJ to hit up Hot Topic. also promised Daniel i'd pick him up some clothes or at least a hoodie to match mine.

my stomach is killing me. i wanna go visit my grandmother, but this situation is grounding me here. [rolls eyes] caring sucks.


anyway, i need to not sit in this house and be pissed off and shit. toodles.


peace.