perfection.

so, i had to have a talk with one of the kids i work with today... she got into a fight and the fight broke down into her crying about some stuff her cousin had said to her the night before about her weight and such. so Javon was like "can you talk to her? because i'm tryna give her that perspective since i'm heavyset, too, but i don't think i'm getting through since i'm a guy". i was like... yeah, okay. so we're talking and she was like, her cousin told her that it was embarassing to be out with her because a young lady shouldn't be that size - having a bigger shoe size than her mother and whatnot. maaaan, it was like... damn near deja vu. now, Brittany's a really pretty little girl with these big cheeks and giant brown eyes and big, pretty smile. she's adorable. but she was crying really hard and i felt really bad because i know what that's like. she was like, my cousin is older, they know better... pfft, her cousin wasn't but a few months older thanher. i was like, do YOU feel embarassed? do YOU think other people are embarassed to be around you? and she said no. i was like, do YOU like how you are? do YOU think you're pretty? and she said yeah. i was like, well that's all that matters, then. they don't know what they're saying, you're a beautiful girl and if you're happy, then that's what counts. shit, i almost made myself cry talking to her.

that's a hard place to be. i mean, i was almost as tall as my mom when i wasn't too much older than her. had bigger feet than my mom, too. and when you're tall and heavyset, it just makes it too easy for people to make you feel bad. and i mean, there's honestly fat jokes everywhere in EVERYTHING, so it's not like you got too many examples to be like, "that's not true, look at ______" because even Tocarra took herself to Celebrity Fit Club and Fat Joe's looking slimmer these days (check the difference between him now and about 5+ years ago). you really can't escape it. last time i was out with Kevin, this girl gave me this really nasty stinkface like "wtf is he doing with HER?". i swear, i've never wanted to slap a stranger in the mouth so much in my life. and Kevin said the complete WRONG thing like "aww, baby, she's just jealous, she want what you got".... uhh, NOT the damn point, glad you found an opportunity to toot your own horn, but it doesn't stop me from feeling some type of way about it. he doesn't get it, because although he's always on this "i don't care what size you are" thing, he may not be looking at it, but everyone else is. and yeah, i know the deal, "if you wanna lose the weight, then buckle down and do it". but i DO feel like i deserve enough respect to have people not look at me like i deserve less because of my size.


moving right along...

i got paid today :D my check's a bit short, though, because i didn't get a chance to add a day onto my last time sheet, so i need to rectify that immediately so i can get my money. i'm also trying to see how much of my wishlist i can get purchased before i go back to WashU and then how much i'll have leftover to buy the other stuff from Torrid that i want.

i'm procrastinating from cleaning the bathroom -_-"

okay, lemme change into my cleaning clothes and get this done so i can go back to being lazy.


peace.