tooearly.

i'm almost always the therapist, y'know? not complaining, just stating the facts - i'm the therapist. it's what i do. when my friends have problems, i'm the one to hear them. moreover, i WANT to hear them. i like sitting down with people, and taking an edge of their tangled jumprope and slowly helping them straighten it out. even if it doesn't get completely straightened out, there's some progress, or they get to see a way that they could fix it, or they see that this whole tangle isn't something to give up on. i enjoy being that person. i had to do it yesterday for Mandi. Mandi's a complete sweetheart, really nice person with a big heart, i can tell that, but she's guarded and wary and ready to fight. she's scarred, just like anyone else, but she handles it differently. so yesterday, she was completely upset over finding 96 unread text messages from two girls in her boyfriend's phone. shiiiit, man... that's some other stuff. she said call her last night, buit when i did, i didn't get her. ah, well. we'll talk the next time i see her. i hope she ain't fought nobody by then.

now, this morning, Kevin's on some other stuff, too. just.... MAD. and i can tell it's not at me because i ain't done shit, so it's gotta be at someone else or some other situation. his problem is that he thinks he can handle all his shit by himself without opening up to anyone. pffft, i JUST got a text from him like "i can take care of this myself". me? yeah, i'll harbor some things, but after a while, i either let it go or i get it off my chest. i'm not one for holding grudges, honestly. i used to be, but it was counterproductive. i swear, i remember the day i couldn't hold grudges anymore. i was mad at my stepmother... like STEAMING mad. and i was at my desk, being mad and feeling horrible and it was like someone turned on a faucet in my back and all the anger just drained out of me... like my body was physically tired of being mad and just let go. it took me by surprise so much that i was too busy being surprised to be mad. my mind couldn't grip onto a mad thought... idk. it was shocking, but very relaxing. anger uses up a lot of energy, energy that could be better used on other things rather than being pissed at someone who isn't even giving me a second thought. i know he's trying to be strong and whatever, but everybody needs a somebody when they're going through.

speaking of going through.. this is gonna sound weird, but i've felt like God isn't talking to me anymore. not at all like He's turned His back on me or anything, just... i don't know. i feel like i should be hearing from Him more. i'm thinking that maybe i'm just not listening and that's why i don't hear Him. sunday after sunday, though, many of the other people at my church get prophecized to (not really prophecized to, though... more like God speaking through the preacher to give them counsel on their current situation) and nothing happens with me. i feel it, yes. i've been trying to make sure that i take it all more seriously. i used to feel the temptation to text in church, so now i turn my phone off before service. i try to make sure i listen and take part in service. the worst i think i do now is that i like to watch Bryan when Ms. Short lets me. i usually end up preoccupied with him until he falls asleep on me. i guess i should be doing better... personal devotional time, bible study alone, listening to more gospel to set the tone of my day, cutting back on my cursing, things like that. it has to be more about me showing that i really desire a better relationship with God rather than just complaining and then doing whatever it was that i was doing before.

uhm... as for trivial things... i bought myself some clear nail polish at Rite Aid when we were coming out of the buffet yesterday. figured that if i'm gonna start being this new person, then i gotta really commit to that, too. i'm trying to work on budgeting out all the new clothes i want.. currently, the wishlist is this...

• a black vest - preferably one with buttons, not the pull-over sweater dealie. i want it to be that cute kind of thing that i could wear with a nice shortsleeve or 3/4 sleeve white button-up and jeans.... and pumps, lmao.
• new PJs - it would really just be some new wifebeaters and some sleeper shorts or boxers... i'm leaning towards sleeper shorts because i already have my Ralph Lauren boxers and a pair of Calvin Kliens, so that should be good enough). i'm going to try to hit up Torrid before the end of the summer at the Garden State Mall (if Kimberly ever decides to answer her phone), which'll take care of some of that.
• new jeans - i have to either hit up Steve and Barry's for some more $7 jeans (don't hate... they're scrumdiddlyumptious and cheap. in YOUR face) or i'll have to really try to stick with this whole drop a few pounds before school thing. either way...
• more shoes - okay, this part is debatable... i certainly have enough pairs of shoes, but... y'know. you can never have enough :D
• undergarments - yeah, it's time to re-up. besides, Lane Bryant has this REALLY cute bra that i'm about to be all over... it's here. very nice, albeit expensive-ish. it'll be worth it, though, because you canNOT tell me that's not adorable, especially since i love plunge bras rather than full coverage bras. they're just better to me. with a pair of black cheekys, too? pfffft, that's the biz. (google cheekys if you don't know what they are... simply cute).
• t-shirts - yeah, we all know by now that i'm the tee junkie... but i REALLY want some... there's one from Hot Topic that says "My Boyfriend is a Superhero", one that says "Go ♥ Your Own City" and one that says "Rap - Lies = Hip Hop"

yeah, that's about all of my wishlist, though. i've already got my hoodie, so i'm good on that. altogether, it'll probably run me a couple hundred... i'm going to TRY to cap it at $400, but... ehhh. $100 would be the bra and a vest. yeah, let THAT marinate. plus, there's the idea of ordering online versus going to the store, so i'd have to count the costs of getting to the store against shipping costs and wait time. ehhh.

if i DO go to the movies today (still debatable due to the rain), then i'm not gonna be home til about 11... egh. i ain't even sleep last night until somewhere near 2 am because i'm a loser, lol. oh, btw, that UTI thing is pretty much gone now. yay for my body going back to normal. i brought my own lunch today.... oh, hell, i was supposed to stop at the ATM before work, but i was running late. aww, fudge. it'll work itself out.

peace.