justtogetby.

i was in a bit of a dark mood the other night... not sure why, i was just... idk, kinda sad, mad, just feeling down. and while i was in my mood, i realized that we as Americans have taken everything that should be considered a normal occurrence and made them into diseases and disorders. like... while i was upset and trying to figure out why i was upset, i came to the conclusion that i just felt kinda blue. y'know, a time of just being a little sad that would probably pass (which it did). but you can't just be "blue" anymore... you're depressed, or in the "low" phase of bipolar disorder or something of that nature. hyper children or children who are disruptive or whatever have ADHD. even if you feel like you've been sitting your ass in front of the TV too long and wanna get up and walk around, you got "restless legs syndrome".... the fuck? maybe my legs just fell asleep. now, i'm not discounting the seriousness of depression or bipolar disorder or maybe even ADHD (i still think restless legs syndrome is a crock of shit, though), but those things aren't a replacement for things that are as natural as the sun coming up in the morning. it's alright to be sad sometimes. we're turning the ideal into the expected norm and reality into a disorder. we can't all be happy, well-adjusted people all the time. and if we were, we wouldn't have so many other people telling us how to be happy, well-adjusted people when the very last thing THEY are is happy, well-adjusted people. it's not about finding what's wrong with yourself all the time. sometimes it's about making the best out of the circumstances, dealing with what it is and trucking forward instead of blaming it on some disease.

on a totally unrelated note, i've been thinking about family again. i realized that i always had a sort of image of my future family... i mean, except for my husband, of course. but more and more, i can't see the little five-year-old faces of my kids coming home from school. i don't see the baby's sleeping face in the crib after putting them down to sleep for the night. instead, what i keep getting is feelings and actions... the shared fun of reading a bedtime story together, the excitement when they lose their first tooth... the anxiety and pride of dropping them off at the first day of pre-k... that heart-bursting love you feel watching them sleep. then i see me doing all that stereotypical mom stuff... big spaghetti dinners, lmao, planning trips to the Bronx Zoo and the Museum of Natural History... stuff like that. i used to be able to see their faces, though.. actually, i had one boy's face in my mind. he was like... my mother's complexion, kinda light-skinned... big brown doe eyes, glasses, and big, wavy dark brown hair that i'd probably have to learn how to braid =/ oorrrrr, yknow, pull it back in a ponytail, lol. but that face is getting fuzzy... i don't see it as much. i never saw a girl's face, which is a little bit frightening... but only a little. you know who has some pretty daughters, though?

peace.