theinner.

so, the past week has been a bit topsy turvy, y'know? i mean, nothing to much out the ordinary happened, but... eh, let's just tell it how it is.

uhm... so La'Ron came back outta thin air. wordbond, like now you don't see him, now you do kinda shit. and wanna come back all sappy, with a bunch of lovetalk and slipping maybe's into every conversation we have. uhm... no. [ holds out hand ] let's be friends, 'kay? oh no, i forgot, you wana make THAT difficult, too. okay, homie. lemme tell you this, though - ain't gonna be no more i'm up late at night tryna straighten shit out so we can have a normal friendship. i'm just a little too tired of being the one who stitches my friendships back together when i'm not always the one who tore them to begin with. i can admit when i'm wrong, albeit begrudgingly, but i'll admit it, okay? so when it comes time for someone else to 'fess up, i shouldn't be the one busting out the needle and thread, ready to make alterations and repairs. you know how to sew, too. and that doesn't go for just La'Ron...

the middle of this week? lmao, i ain't even gonna go there. straight stupidity...

anyway, so yesterday i get invited to a frat party on the row by my friend Matt. he's part of Tau Kappa Epsilon, so he asked me to come to their party. i was gonna go, but then i found out that the Alphas were throwing a party on campus, too, only it cost $5. alright, cool, that's nothing too big, just i gotta go to rehearsal first. Visions rehearsal was pretty awesome, it's been a little more relaxed since Leah took over for Jude, but we need to try to stay being focused. i had texted Kevin like a good 40 minutes befoe rehearsal began, but i didn't get an answer until about 20 minutes before rehearsal was scheduled to end. i called him afterwards, but it ended up being this big thing where he damn near screamed on me because i was gonna cancel my plans for the night to make sure he was okay. stuff about how needed to handle it by himself and how if i loved him, i'd do whatever i was gonna do that night. like.. that ain't even fair. why would even do that? i don't even know...

so i come back to my dorm from rehearsal, change clothes and all that good stuff and head out with Wanda to go to the APhiA party. we got there maybe 1 half hour into it, so it wasn't good yet. but about another half hour and it picked up. now... eh. i'm not even sure why i went when i know i don't dance. like... maybe if i had a group of friends and we were all dancing together, then yeah. but it was just me and Wanda, and she dances, so what i'm supposed to do? be like 'no, don't go dance, stay with me'? ewww, gtfoutta here. so after about another half hour of standing around, kinda dancing to myself and backing out of dancing with other people twice, i just walked out. i was gonna go text or call someone for a few minutes and then come back, but once i got outside, it was like... if i went back in, would i be doing anything different? would i be having any more fun? so i left. i walked back to my dorm in the dark and called Lennee while i walked, lol. i think she was worried because i sounded kinda out of it, but i just kinda wanted someone sane to talk to, lol. i picked myself up a pint of ice cream (that i have yet to eat) and food for this morning, walked my friend Monica to her dorm, then came back to my own and proceeded to stay up until flippin' 3 am because i'm a loser.

didn't hear from Kevin until this morning and that was brief.

a bunch of my books that i ordered came in, but none of them were the ones i need for this week, whompity whomp whomp.

onto broader topics...
i realized last night that there weren't too many people that i could explain the party situation and why i had gotten uncomfortable to. like... looking through my phoneook and mentally going through people i knew, there were only handful of people that i thought i could explain it to and not get laughed at, or not have them go "you don't make any sense" or something to that effect. i knew Lennee would be cool, even if she didn't get it, because she kinda gets me, but that's something different. i know a lot of people would be like "why did you go if you know you don't party?" or "why waste your money like that?" or whatnot, but it's not just the money and not just that i'm not a dancer, it was a whole bunch of things that contributed to both my going to the party and my leaving. maybe i don't let people be that way. hold 'em out at arm's length and then expect them to know me like they were closer. who knows? it sounds cliche and dumb, but letting people walk in past arm's length is a crapshoot - they can come in and acclimate to everything, try to work with you, or they can spit on the floor, stick gum under the tables, that kinda shit. or you have people who alternate between acclimating and spitting, lol. i don't know if i'm making sense.


peace.