contained.

so my roommate left to go home to Chicago for the weekend. i've had the place to myself since early Friday afternoon. it's kinda cool... i mean, i can play my music when i want and however loud i want... i don't have to worry about waking her up or anything. at the same time, it's almost kinda lonely. i feel even more alone than i usually do on this floor. it's not that i don't like people and i'm pretty sure that no one has anything really against me... but i just don't fit into the social matrix of this floor. most everyone likes to party... i don't. most everyone else is white; i'm not. most everyone else is into The Office... i've never seen an episode. i'm out of my element. and... that's cool, y'know? i need to be taken out of my comfort zone... but i spend a majority of my time in my room or hanging out with the Amoeba [what i call my group of friends now]. i don't hang out with anyone except Dionne on this floor. i don't know. i don't feel like i belong. and i'm here until May. [ sighs ]

RJ and i now unofficially go out... we're play-boyfriend-and-girlfriend, lol. it's not that i don't like him or that i wouldn't want to go out with him... but with the connection i've re-established with Mikey, i don't know anymore. both have told me that they love me. both are great to talk to... funny... supportive... what's the difference? hmmm... Mikey's taller... quieter... a lot more secretive about his past... doesn't ask about mine, either... really sweet... listens... always makes me laugh... hasn't mentioned anything about a relationship outside of one time we were joking around... keeps referring to me as one of his friend, but i think it's more for himself than for me... does cute things for me all the time... texts me at night... used to fall asleep on the phone together. RJ... he' shorter than me, but that's okay... sings... writes poetry, lol... stubborn... argues with me about being sarcastic... listens... comes from my hometown. and they're both really great guys... i just wonder if either of them has any idea about the me that's inside... hell, i barely talk to the inside me because it's always really emotional to do it... would either of them understand? i tried to talk about it to RJ a little bit and he just changed the subject... which is what a lot of people do. i try to let them in, show them how my mind works a little and they shy away. i don't know.

just thinking now, there's so much i have going on... a lot of pain.. a LOT of pain... insecurity... fear... confidence issues... just a lot. and i don't know if anyone wants to deal with it. i don't even wanna deal with it, why would they?

ehhh.

josh called me today to talk about how he felt Cammie was slipping away like Jeanri was. i don't know... how do you advise the same situation you're in with someone? if i don't even know how to get US back to how we used to be, how am i supposed to fix him and other people? and then it got quiet and LIKE ALWAYS he goes "taaalllk" which i still effin' hate. so i told him i had a paper to write, which i did. i finished half of my first essay. once i started writing, it was really easy to get back into the swing of it and then it all started flowing. i have to check it for continuity soon.

why doesn't anyone get me? i mean, i DO open up to people... but it seems like when i do, no one wants to deal with it. everyone's cool with happy-go-lucky, crazy, goofy Naia. pull out a Naia who has the audacity to be upset, to hurt, to have moments where she feels like crying, and they all get weirded out, move away, get afraid, tell me to pull it together.

i don't know. my true friends are few and far between. if you asked which friends i could tell everything or at least near everything.. i could probably only name three.

if Mikey and RJ both asked me out on the same day and both told me to answer them in 24 hours... who would i choose?
[ sighs ]


i need sleep. it became 2 am out of nowhere.
i'mma continue talking to Chels, then go to bed.


Chelsie, you've been a great source of strength lately. i appreciate you. i love you, chelssssssseeerrrrr. lol. =]





pAce.