spill.

if i could have anything in the world right now, it'd be a hug from my birth mom and my dad, together. it'll never happen. that thought alone makes me cry.

sometimes i wish i had died instead of her.
sometimes i'm mad at her for dying.
sometimes i think of her and fall apart.

i need a true friend. not just somebody to hang out with, to go to BD with at midnight, to crack jokes with. sometimes i want someone who i can let my problems out to. i need someone who i'm not afraid to let see me cry. right now, i don't have anyone like that and it's manifesting itself into a physical pain.

sometimes i wish people actually read this thing.


i often wonder why i'm not on drugs or at least heavily medicated.


i'm scared that all i've done and all i do is a big joke and i'm the butt of it.


i'm sick of joking on myself to keep other people from getting to it first, but i can't get over the paranoia that if i stop, they WILL get to it first.


i am not a person. i am a persona.

I EFFIN' WISH MIKEY WAS BACK.


i wish i could believe i was good enough for once.

i'm scared to death of failing.


i feel truly dumb for once in my life. everyone here is a genius and they have like in-depth expertise about at least one thing. this one girl wanda knows like... everything about slavery, both in america and classical/biblical. this kid i met today, chike, he knows so much about biblical history - and he's a quaker. what do i have to offer? i'm kinda funny. i can sing a little. i'm decent in most subjects. i draw minimally. i'm a pretty good writer. i have no concentration of expertise, nothing that i can wax poetic on and impress people with. i'm just not smart like that.


i feel inferior. i feel out-of-place. I FEEL SO DUMB.


i'm embarrassed to be crying at this computer.


i'mma talk to drey.

he's usually good peoples to haul my mental-emotional crap onto without having to worry about him telling me to go away and be emo somewhere else.




pAce.