newthought.

[ sits down ; takes a deep breath ]

so...
i've figured out why i'm scared that i'm so attached to you.
...why i freak out every week or so over how much you mean to me.
...why tana tells me i'm inlove and i want to deny it.
...why i thought kara was right when she told me to get a life.
...why i try to act like it ain't really a big deal.
...why i've been stressing over there being an US rather than a YOU + ME.

it's because i want to know that i'll be okay without you.

that's sad, huh?
heh, as many times as you've said things like "i ain't going nowhere" and "baby, i miss you so much" and "i will deal with whatever that comes" and "i like being here with you... and i like you being here with me" and "thank you for being you" and "i have faith that God brought you my way for a reason" and "when i wake up, you're on my mind and when i fall asleep, you're on my mind still" and "baby, i love you".... times you've alluded to us being together in the future, damn, to us being married... times you've OPENLY said things about me (and in front of your boys, too, like serious?)... times you wanted to have me talk to your mom... daaaaamn, really? and i'm still paranoid.

not saying i don't think this will last.
on the contrary, i think it has serious potential to be a good long-term relationship, since that's what both of us want. i... well, i guess i'm trying to be realistic, if you want to call it that. and the truth is that couples break up. people don't last forever. love don't always hold. and for various reasons, too. i've seen it, and on more occasions than once. i've seen people who were already acting married when they weren't but 18, 19 years old, stop having a relationship to be "friends" (it was real strained after that, though... and you can tell one of 'em still wants to be together, smh). i've seen people who fit together real well fall apart over some real bullshit, even though they'd been through worse together. i've seen two people who should've been a real great match together simply go separate ways on bad terms and then spend so much time just trying to be cool with each other again. and honestly... the logical part of me is going "well, if it can happen to them, it can happen to me".

so i prepare.
wanda said that i need to be sure that i won't fall apart if you leave me. damn, man... i can't/don't want to even imagine that. you leaving me, that is. despite distance, you're so much of my life. i mean, daggone, to the point where one of the main goals when i came home was to see you? and i know i'm not feeling this head-over-heels feeling by myself. you took me to meet your family AND your boys... damn, and we weren't even official then, either, still just "talking". spent all day in traffic with your cousin to come see me, kissed me even though i'd been sick for a week and had my cold by the time i was back in Missouri. call me everyday, every night, too, if you can. telling me you don't miss people like this... man. yeah, i KNOW i'm not in this by myself. and that's what keeps fighting the part of me that's trying to make sure that i'll be okay without you.

this is self-preservation vs. a relationship, kinda.
the part of me that's all about keping me safe, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, is telling me that i need to not be crying like a baby if we (God forbid) break up. i need to be able to go to class and do homework, hang out with my friends, get good grades and all that good stuff even if you're not around. that doesn't mean that part of me doesn't love you. it's just looking out for me first. the other part of me is saying LET GO, which is something i'm still struggling with. not to say that i'd be powerless, just that i'd be giving up control of something... and i'm a little bit of a control freak. but that part keeps telling me "don't worry where it's going, enjoy this, don't panic, don't worry, just be"... which, of course, goes against EVERYTHING the self-presrvation side wants.

i think i'm just falling for you real hard.
we been together only, what, two months and some change? going on three months on April 11th? if we make it to three months and a week, we'll officially be longer than my last relationship. we're already stronger than any one i've been in (especially if you count sorry-ass whatshisface who got locked up and decided not to tell me... LMAO, yo, i really can't remember his name, either! WOOOOWW! anyway, that's a WHOOOLLEE other blog). shit, saying i was "in love" in any past relationship was something i KNEW i couldn't say. i was with them because they wanted to be with me. why not? i was even seriously doubting being with ****** within two months. my father said two things that switched up my whole perspective and it REALLY shouldn't be that easy, y'know? but dag... with as much as people have said about you and why i shouldn't go into this and why it's wrong and how it's not "the best thing to do"... i'm still here. with you. and nah, it ain't been that long, but whatever time it's been is still time that it's been, figgadeal me?

i guess i needed to get this all off my chest.

[ second deep breath ]



peace.