changes.

i've spent a lot of my life just waiting for people.

waiting for my father to make time for us to hang out.
waiting for my friends to have free time so we could chill.
waiting for my boyfriend to have time ANYTIME.

and because of all this waiting, i spend a lot of time not doing anything. sit in front of the TV, sit in front of the computer, sleep, cook, stay in the house... i'm not doing much. because i'm convinced "as soon as they're done with this, they'll have time for me", "as soon as they get out of that, they'll have time for me", "as soon as..."

it's a very lonely, very humiliating way to live.

and honestly, i'm sick of it.
more than you could possibly know.
as in, i'm crying just thinking about it.

so you know what?
FUCK THAT.

i'm not waiting for people anymore. AT ALL. not my father, not my friends, not my boyfriend. if i wanna do something, if i wanna go somewhere, i'll go by myself. you wanna tag along? go ahead. but i'm not gonna wait for you to have time for me anymore.

i'm really about to get myself a metrocard and ride out of the neighborhood for a while. maybe go all the way downtown and walk, find some random ass used book store.

i want to go somewhere. anywhere out of this house. this house depresses me.
i have nowhere to go, except maybe my grandma's house and i don't feel like going there.

in other related news, i've downed almost a gallon of orange juice. chug a lug, chug a lug. let's see what else i can get.


peace.