introspection.

i'm bouncing between these two.. extremes? i guess. i don't know what you wanna call 'em. but one day, i'm here, bugging out. no, like STRAIGHT BUGGING OUT. like, "what is he doing? where is he? why haven't i heard from him hours? why can't i get in touch with him?" on a constant basis. to the point where i'm stressing myself out, second guessing myself, second guessing me because of him. smh, damn shame... but it's how it is sometimes, y'know? and it made it worse the night before i straight out blacked on him. that night, i just... i really wanted to talk to him. i needed to vent to him. and i couldn't find him. and all i could think of was the day when i had this like... two hour crying session over my mother. and i called him and he said "are you okay?" and i'm like "no" and it was taking me a while to build up strength to tell him and he's like "i gotta drive, i'mma call you back". man, i'm tearing up thinking about it. that was a really bad time for him to be around. and all i could think was "why can't you be there for me?" it hurt something awful. i still never told him that. i need to.

and then there are days when i really wanna be like, y'know what? fuck it all. if he's cheating then, shit, it's whatever. i'm eighteen, i'm smart, i've got a good personality, i'm talented, and i'm decent-looking. if i don't mean that much to you, then whatthefuckEVER, i can find somebody else. my librarian said "if he's a date, then let him be a date" and my stepmom said "he's 23 and he's in another state.. you don't know what he's doing". and that's all good and shit, but firstly, i'm not really the kind of person who likes casual dating. i'm like my father - if we're in an exclusive relationship, then i'm looking to be in it for the longhaul. secondly, yeah, i know that i don't know what he's doing all the time, but there'd be the same stresses if he was in Brooklyn or the Bronx or whatever. at the same time, i can see their points of view - don't get caught up in something that can potentially damage you.

and me? my thoughts?
i'm still figuring them out. i hold my tongue too much around him. i have issues with talkin about things that bother me because i always feel like i'm whining and i've had it practically beaten out of me because everyone hates whiners. and especially because of whatever damn schedule he's been holding, i can't get him on the phone long enough to seriously discuss things. i don't even know. what am i supposed to say? "hey, kevin, you know, when i can't get in touch with you for long periods of time, it makes me question your fidelity. oh no, not that i don't trust you, i'm just still emotionally scarred from a previous relationship and, on top of that, i still think that the age gap makes me vulnerable =]". yeah, that would work. or how about "hey, you remember a few months back when i called you crying and you had to drive to Philly so you hung up? well, i never really got over that and i've neglected telling you that until now!" [ sighs ] my sense of humor is not helping my dilemma at this moment.

i need to hang out with my friends. my good, blood-close friends.
where's Donavan at? i need to spend a day with him, just walking around town and acting stupid and talking. i miss him. and i also need to call Khalid and decide when we're gonna have our "date" to IHOP, lol. i miss him something fierce. both of them. those are my closest boys and a good talk with each of them is long overdue. that's what i need.


peace.