you know your problem is?
lol, i've heard people say that, but only on TV and in movies. someone will say something hurtful or do something mean and the other person will go into a frustrated rage and go, "you know what your problem is?!" and then go into something like "you're afraid to let go" or some other TV drama BS like that. no one corrects themselves, though, because if characters could figure themselves out, they wouldn't need other people to play off of. and also because they want these people to be healed by people around them or whatever. but that's just TV.
you know what MY problem is?
my problem is me, lol. you ever stopped and thought about things that you'd correct about yourself? i have and the things i want to change are weird because i like them, but they don't technically benefit me. like being funny. being funny is cool and all, but then when a joke flops or someone else is funnier or you just get tired of cracking jokes, everyone's mad. but it helps in making friends and having conversations and helping people feel better. every once in a while, i flirt with the idea of wishing that i wasn't so empathetic. when people close to me hurt, i hurt with them. like... to the point where it might as well be me. i call it hyperempathy (it's a word i "borrowed" from an Octavia Butler book). the problem is that you can be the most empathetic so-and-so this side of the rio grande - don't mean people will let you struggle with them. so you end up struggling with them... but alone? lol. it's like.... being a doctor. and everyday, you come into work. and everyday, sick people walk by the door of your hospital, suffering and moaning in pain. and you feel it because you remember when YOU were sick like that, so you come to the door and you tell people to please come in. almost BEG them. it doesn't matter if they have money for it or anything, you'll treat them free of charge if they want. but they just look at you, mumble that they'll take a Tylenol or some Robitussin, and shuffle off. so what do you do? do you keep the doors of the hospital open day after day, never having a patient, but sure that one day, someone will take up your offer and come in? or do you wait for a little bit, then sigh and shut down the hospital? that's what it's like.
my problem is that no matter how many times i tell myself i'll shut that hospital down, i come into work. i wait, because i'm just positive that one day, someone will come in and say that Tylenol and Robitussin aren't working and they want my help. no one really has, though.
i hate that feeling, though. i mean, right now Kevin's upset about... something or the other. i don't know, i haven't spoken to him all day. i just hate how he'll get upset and shut everyone out, including me. let him get mad and he might as well be a brick wall. there's no talking to him and he's sure not talking back. and i understand the need for alone time, for privacy, for reflection. but... i don't know. it just hurts a lot to see him in pain and act like he has to do it alone. he really doesn't. i don't know about other people, but to me, a relationship means agreeing to help support someone emotionally. i personally couldn't date anyone that i couldn't be friends with. if i don't feel like i can call you up when i'm having a horrible day and just vent, or ask you for advice, then either we're probably acquaintances, not friends, and CERTAINLY not in a relationship. my thing is that just like i enjoy having people for me when i'm mad or hurt or tired or worn-out, i also enjoy being the person that someone can come to when they're mad or hurt or tired or worn-out. this does NOT mean that that's ALL i'm good for. not by a long shot. friendship and relationships entail more than that. BUT, i do like to offer that. problem is that the people i feel need it most don't even try. i don't want you to force down how you feel and come at me with a smile like it's all okay when it's not. sometimes people need to cry or be angry or just bitch about something. hell, if i don't wanna see you at a low point, why bother letting me see your good days? i don't know... part of me still wants to shut that old hospital down. i don't see the doors closing anytime soon, but nights like these always make me think about it.
"Henceforth there will be such a oneness between us that when one weeps the other will taste salt."
- author unknown
i might as well have stuffed my mouth with Adobo.
peace.
*edit
i forgot how poignant this song was to what i've been talking about...
"i know you haven't made your mind up yet
but i would never do you wrong
i've known it from the moment that we met
no doubt in my mind where you belong
i'd go hungry, i'd go black and blue
i'd go crawling down the avenue
no, there's nothing that i wouldn't do
to make you feel my love."
adele - make you feel my love
Friday, September 12, 2008
autopsychoanalytical.
naia said knock you ooouuutt @
11:27 PM
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1 comment:
"Henceforth there will be such a oneness between us that when one weeps the other will taste salt."
i digress. love is trivial in itself.
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