you know what sucks about love? you can't control it. by no means can you say "i'm not going to be in love" or "i choose not to love you anymore" or anything like that. you love because love wants you too. don't get me wrong - i still think it's a beautiful thing and i treasure it immensely. i just wish i had some sort of bridle on it.
i used to not wanna say it, lol. like... nah, i'm not gonna say it because it'll make it too real, it'll make it too... too true, i guess. if i say that i love him, then it'll be a slippery slope because something could happen... like it wouldn't be real love and i'd be sitting there wit a full heart and no one to empty it out to. that's no fun. but there's really no point in sitting here holding my breath about it.
i love him.
there's so much that makes me sick or sad or mad about him. how sometimes i can't get in touch with him at all, how he's always weird with planning, how sometimes his joking goes too far, how i miss him and can't do anything about it, how he can be inconsiderate.... idk, there's probably another maybe 10 things i could list before i just got nitpicky and redundant... but those are like pop-ups. they hide what i'm really after and they annoy me to no end, but i just carefully close them and move on to what i want/was getting at.
him.
like, wtf. what do you do when you think about someone and it makes you want to laugh and cry in the same breath? how do you deal with days when all you want to do is be with them and you can't? i don't know... when my mind is occupied, i have nothing to really worry about. i can focus on homework, on writing, on blogging, on conversations, on TV and not on him. but when there's downtime? it's like the perfect time for me to become a Murphy's Law machine... i start thinking on all that COULD go wrong since i'm over-analytical. Gerald told me about this girl on campus who was talking to this dude when both of them were pre-froshes. they talked for months into freshman year and she gave up her virginity to him and he just BOOM left her. and i told Gerald that it was fucked up that he would invest so much time into her and then do that and he said "oh no, he was messing with other girls, too". and shit, if that wasn't a bomb on my night. Murphy's Law, here we come.
on the flipside, i hate dwelling on the "could be" because you can imagine things into being real and that's one of the last things i wanna wish into existence. but i end up dwelling anyway. it sucks.
i try to dwell on what i know and experience. last time we talked, i was falling asleep (he, for once, was wide awake) and he told me to hold on for a while and i damn near drifted off before he got back. i basically just mumbled when he came back like "hello?" and he goes "how you gonna fall asleep on me? see, how's this gonna work when we're married?" which is relatively small shit, anyone could talk of it. but trust me - boys refuse to plant explicit ideas in girls' heads unless they want them there. that could always work reversely, though. bah.
i stand by my original statement - i love him.
easier said than done, but always worth it.
peace.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
sittingwaitingwishing.
naia said knock you ooouuutt @
11:55 PM
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1 comment:
love can be such a difficult thing, ugh.
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