haddawaytellum.

we might be unfortunate enough to be the beginning of a generation without a true understanding of love as a whole.



this is really scary to me, personally. over the summer, i'd come to the conclusion that the only two things i know, when i get down to the nitty gritty of it all, is faith and love, so for people to lack a knowledge of what love is would probably be akin to people not understanding how music is a portal to the soul and treating as less than that (wait, that's already happening, isn't it, Soulja Boy?) but i digress. i think i've mentioned before that when i was in high school, i was the only girl in my circle of female friends that wanted to have a traditional family and soon. i thought that by the time i was about 25, i'd have at least a Master's degree (hopefully a phD, too) and i'd be ready to start my family - get married, have two or three kids, and be the same kind of mother that my mom was, taking her kids to museums and zoos and on picnics, cooking pancake breakfasts and setting up tents with card tables and sheets for them in the living room. i know it sounds real Leave It to Beaver, but it's really what i want. now, of course, since i'm a PK and all things have to be done in decency and order, in order to have that family, i'd have to have a husband, which is also in line with my plans. i don't think there was a single time in my life where i planned to not get married. i always saw it in my future. and now that i'm older, i kinda want the marriage my father and stepmother have. they're clearly in love, put each other above all else except God (and me, teehee), and they're goofy as all hell together. they fight and they argue and they tease each other and they make each other mad and they don't speak and they apologize and they meet at the middle and they compromise and they work it out.



i say all that to say that i think a lot of people, especially my age range and lower, are losing the sense of waht love is about. i get the feeling that many people don't want to argue, don't want to have differences or problems. to them, love is supposed to be easy. you love someone and you spend days and nights looking into each others' eyes and writing poems and expressing how much you love each other and going on dates. don't get me wrong, i have no problems with these things - they're all beautiful things. to be able to sit with someone and look them in their eyes and just see how their eyes go soft because they're looking both at you and into you? it's amazing. but it's not ALL that love is about. sometimes love is about crying, worrying, fighting. it's about being up at 3 am staring into space. my good friend Brandi gave me a really great piece of relationship advice when i got my first real boyfriend. she said "well, be careful. you're responsible for another heart besides your own now". i thought a LOOOONNNNNNG time about that whole idea of being responsible for another heart besides your own. you have to realize that the things you do and say, how you act, now has a direct effect on another person. perfect example - Kevin came home from Alabama upset, but when i spoke to him, he just sounded tired. so he asked me to go ahead and get ready for bed so i could talk to him and i just kinda bantered with him for a while. so he got a little frustrated and asked me again... well, more like almost demanded. and i laughed and made a smart remark about it. i thought he'd play along. he got mad and hung up on me. now, i thought we were just playing around since we'd played around like that before. but he took real offense to it and when i called him back, he sounded genuinely hurt. i had to remember that even though i was all ready to joke and play, he was tired, weary and just wanted comfort and here i was poking fun at him. i had to be aware that i wasn't dealing with just my wants-needs-thoughts-and-feelings, i was also dealing with HIS wants-needs-thoughts-and-feelings. it's something you have to deal with.


now, there are a lot of people who will go "i don't need to deal with that - i need to deal with ME. they can handle themselves and i shouldn't have to adjust for them or anything like that". that's an unfortunate side effect of having a society that is pushing more and more for individualism. "i just need to do me" - that view is a little dangerous. yes, be primarily concerned with your own well-being, but do not ONLY be concerned with your own well-being. when you are in love, or at least in a relationship, you can't have that mindset. you almost HAVE to be concerned with the other person or else you end up hurting yourself through them. it's a two-way street, as so many people like to say, so you can't just go parading down your side and not take a stroll on the other. it's give and take - i know you go to sleep early because you have class, so maybe some days you go to sleep a little earlier so you can spend some time talking before bed. you live a little far away from each other, so some days you go out there and some days they come to you. it's not all about you and your stuff. it's about creating an us to be concerned about.


okay, i'm sleepy and this blog is hella long.


peace.