clout.

lifestyles of the broke & famous
...and collegiate, lol

aye, so apparently, i'm no longer eligible for work-study. this is good and bad. it's good because that means, for a while, i no longer have to bust my behind time wise. we're talking eighteen credits, assistant director of the gospel choir, AND a job working about eight or nine hours a week (which isn't much, technically, but when you factor in all the rest i do...)? c'mon, i need to catch a break the bad news is not being able to see my kids anymore :( i really wanted to see Armon and Asa and Jaelynn and Justus and Gabriel and all my other wonderful little shrimp-faces. i also think that this might mean i need an ACTUAL job. now, my school is kind enough to have a jobs listing for work outside of the school, but a lot of the jobs i want (like babysitting) require me to have a car or my own mode of transportation, which i don't have (my UPass is somewhere in purgatory). sooooo, now i'm trying to figure out what has to be done... i mean, i'm receiving this scholarship called the Sanford Loewentheil Scholarship (details here.. scroll down until you see his last name in bold print), so i think that should cover everything, but i'm not sure. if it does, that would be amazing... but i'd also want to work. i'd call my dad and see if he can hook me back up with that graphic design job that i had when i was young and dumb (aka, about 16) that i never got paid for. eek, that reminds me that i need to do my father's MCBC 100th anniversary logo... eek. i'll get to it. anyway, i'd still want to work, y'know, to have some cash in my pocket. i'm steady depleting my funds, so a constant cash flow, even a small one, would be nice. i'm actually looking into working at the Medical School here. they apparently have this pediatric medicine - newborn program that i could work in, even though i'd be working with mice and not babies. i can deal with that.

so anyway, as i'm contemplating all of this, i'm also struggling to make sure that i keep my head above the water academically. my psych stats exam grade was dismal and i ended up panicking about EVERYTHING. i really felt like i had started drowning, there was so much to do! i got it all done yesterday, though, so i'm quite proud of myself, but i'm not in the clear yet. i still have a lot to get through.

oh! so i'm sitting in the DUC today eating chocolate ganache cake (which is scrumdiddlyumptious, by the way) and who comes up and taps my shoulder but the dean of the College Arts and Sciences? you wanna talk about bowled over?! i didn't even know that the man remembered my face, let alone my name! i really feel honored, though, because there are thousands of students in A&S and it means a lot that he woud actually remember me. i haven't felt this special since Jeff Nelson called to me across the village, lol... or when that freshman came up and randomly hugged me like i was all cool. [ puts on Fonz shades ] ayyyyyyeee.

uhmm... [ scratches the back of my neck ] a couple of times a school year, i end up hitting a snag. like... a BIG snag. one of those snags that makes me freak out and either think i'm going to fail school/life or a big emotional freakout/breakdown/whatever you care to call it. and during at least one out of these, i can't contact ANYONE. like... my father will be extraordinarily busy. my stepmom won't answer her phone. Kevin either won't pick up the phone or will be busy (this happened freshman year and it devastated me, but that's a whole other story) and i'm left feeling really bad with no one close to talk about it with. i mean, i could always talk to Wanda now that she's my roommate, but sometimes i want my family or my boyfriend there for me. it's a different feeling, y'know? but i always end up somewhere alone in those moments. for a while, i thought it was really cruel - why have someone be alone at these moments when they want nothing more than to lean on someone else? but, you know me - i try to be theologically rational about things. so, i thought why WOULD it happen? so far, i'm trying to convince myself that it's because sometimes, you can't look to other people to be your comfort. sometimes, it's gotta be between you and God to find the comfort. other people are great, but if you can't find it within yourself, you might be in a bad way.

then again, that's just what i'm telling myself...

ah well, time for ANTM.


peace.