leaf.

"so are you still feeling neglected?"


i've been too worried about school, which, btw, i'm failing horribly at. i shouldn't have taken eighteen credits, but you live and you learn, right? i'll go to fifteen next semester, because this is a problem. i spent all weekend writing this one paper that could've been done by friday night, but ehh... i was a procrastinator. so i negleted to do any other work this weekend, which resulted in a day of epic failure, lol. i didn't read for my food and lit class, but that was interrupted for a fire drill. then i went to psych of adolescence and got my test score back. i thought i had done well - i got a 74, lmaooo. then i went to education, childhood, and society and realized i hadn't written a FRICKING ONE-PAGE PAPER for that class, nor had i done the reading, so i ended up PHAILING the in-class quiz. when they told me about the paper i had missed, i seriously damn near cried outside of class. then after bombing the quiz, i spent about fifteen more minutes trying not to burst into tears, lol. then i went to my african-americans and children's lit class and got ANOTHER quiz that i thought i was totally prepared for. i wasn't. lol. so i spent the whole day feeling horrible.

"i promise on everything, baby, i'm changing my ways"

Kevin told me on... Wednesday that he was going to change up. that there wouldn't be all of the problems where i never speak to him and all that junk because he was almost done with all the crazy stuff on his plate. that was cool... i mean, i was tryna tell him how i wasn't tryna stop him from doing what he had to do, i just didn't wanna feel like he never wanted to talk to me or anything like that... but, of course, i couldn't get in contact with him all thursday and all friday morning/afternoon. then he texted me Friday afternoon about how everything was gonna go back to normal and how i wasn't gona feel neglected anymore, which... y'know, that's great. i love that he's trying harder, that we're supposed to be talking more and all that. i just can't stand feeling so far away from everyone. it's really taking a toll on me, especially when paired with the fact that i can feel my academic life drowning.

i mean... you have no idea, so much of my life centered around the idea that i was smart. my good grades were the only thing that defined me for a very long time, except for maybe my singing abilities. i was "the smart kid". people came to me for homework help. for Christ's sake, my best friend used to hold my hand before math tests to "absorb" whatever intelligence he thought i had. i was teaching my tenth grade bio class. if there was something that no one could tell me, it was that i was dumb. i KNEW i was smart. i had the tests and essays and GPA to prove it. now? i don't even know... i'm gtting grades in the seventies at every turn, C's and 60's and other grades i practically never saw throughout middle school and high school. and i feel DUMB. like... ugh. the idea of failing? it's killing me. and i can't tell my parents that i'm failing like this, because they expect 90's and 100's from me and anything less means that i'm not trying hard enough or i'm too distracted or i'm not putting my all into it since i got all A's in high school. i don't know what to do! if i'm not "the smart kid", then... then i don't know. i had sooooo much pride on being smart. i felt good. even if i thought i wasn't pretty or creative or talented, i knew, KNEW, i was smart. and now that's pulled out from under me and i don't know how to handle it anymore.

[sighs]

he's asleep, so i can't tell him this. and he'll probably think i'm stupid for crying. ugh. there's no telling my parents because they'll only say to work harder. can't tell my friends because they'll only say "how do you think WE feel?" ... but their lives weren't centered around being smart. they had other activities and whatnot.

BAAAAHHH.

i need a vacation from this. i'll get that next weekend at Fall conference, i'm OUTTA HERE.


peace.