almostalmost.

what am i doing?

i've had these dreams of fame for as long as i can remember, starting when i was six and i had this stupid-ass vision of me being the lead in a music video doing the running man in a purple hoodie in a courtyard. i've wanted to be seen. i like to be seen. i like to think that my ideas have worth, that i have worth, that my existence here will be more than just to make a few people laugh and then die.

i have constantly tried to fool myself into thinking that my existence is meant to just love... and that's partially true. i do love. but still, i'm not doing what i love and i'm not working towards it.

i had that fashion design thing going on, and school made me and Daniel leave it behind. I still want it. i really do. i still want to hold on to the possibility that something out there is for me, something that might not make me some kind of international superstar, but something that puts me in the circles of people that i see and know i should be there... maybe i shouldn't, but it sure FEELS like i should be there. why am i so tired of my routine? why am i so unmotivated to do what it feels like i've been working my ass off for? psychology is what i'm interested in because of it's practicality and how interesting it is, how it makes me think about the world. but so much of me is invested in music, in art, in (somehow, i'm sure how... or even why) fashion, in all these things that are just not where i'm headed.

i have no idea.