robertfrost.

it's cool being the only one, but it's lonely
i could've fallen in love a thousand times before
if only someone had known me
Gnarls Barkley - Surprise

heh.
so i was watching The Dark Knight online, right? because let's be real - i done missed ii in IMAX, by the time i get back to NY, it won't be in theaters.... i might as well. so i was watching it in the dark with a hoodie on, door closed, speakers on, cold iced tea to my right, life is GOOD, right? i mean, it was significantly better than moping around, which is what i had been doing before. well, Wanda came home and had to finish her test, so the lights came on, the speakers went on mute and the movie was finito... though i could technically watch it now since she's asleep... hmmm... after i blog and shower, then i'll watch again. anyway, so i realized i was just gonna get upset over stuff again, so i packed up and walked out my dorm. walked across campus to my friend's room, plopped down in a chair and read for about 20 minutes, then put my hoodie over my head and laid back. she caught on that i wasn't feeling my best and asked what was wrong and i told her i wanted to go home started crying under my hoodie (though i don't think she heard). she asked why and i said i didn't know and just laid there until i felt myself going to sleep. once i did, i got up and left out her room. sat in her common room and watched The Color Purple for a few. left there. ran into Grant and hugged him because i didn't feel good. went back across campus and thought i'd head back and hit the sheets, but i ran into Gerald, lol. followed him back to Gregg and hung out with him, Cheeks, Kesley, and D-Mac for a while, cracking jokes and catching up. then they played Super Smash Bros. and i watched for a while, then left out. went to the study room to joke with Scottie(!!!, lol, like no joke i LOOOVVVEEE Scottie, he's like the mascot to my life) and Zack. left out and came home.


in all that, though, the one thing that made me realize why i was upset and why i wanted to go home was Grant hugging me. man... that was a good hug. and i realized that i wanted to go home because i didn't feel a closeness with anyone. all the people i feel close with are hundreds of miles aay on the east coast and i'm missing being physically close to them... not just Kevin, but really my father. i'm realizing that he's seriously my very best friend (if only he had time for me, he's gonna look up and i'll be 20, yikes) and not being around him, not hugging him is getting to me. oh, i can hug other people, but no one hugs with feeling here. maybe Grant, but that just may be that he's taller than me and i feel safer in hugs where the other person is taller than me, but no one else gives that kinda "i love you and i got you" kinda feeling when they hug me. that paired with the fact that i'm lacking the kind of bestfriendship that i want to keep going, i'm feeling a bit alone. i mean, i have a series of people that i can talk to about my problems and i can tell all of them varying amounts of things on varying topics, but there's no one i can tell EVERYTHING to. i can't even do my end-of-the-day rant-and-release like usual because Kevin's off doing... whatever. i'm just accepting that no one is going to have time for me like that anymore. everyone's got their own lives and will come find me when it's convenient. no big, right? lol, so why am i tearing up? fuck this, i'm about to shower and watch the rest of the Dark Knight.


over and out, y'all.

peace.